To feel like I'm being gaslit about my own DC

[BeMyFriend90]

My DC is nearly 3. And to me, his behaviour is extreme. Tantrums all day over nothing. Shouts. Takes off all his clothes. Throws anything and everything.

He's also very loving and funny and so so affectionate. He's got this new obsession with very strange things...the ITV logo, he insists on watching anything with an ITV logo in the corner (we just watched the Corrie Omnibus at 7am rather than cartoons)

When we take him to stuff he's definitely the most challenging toddler in the room. By a mile.

But everyone around me keeps telling me nothing is wrong. My DH gets so annoyed at me and says its just behaviour and we are being weak by not disciplining. Nursery also say he's totally fine - quiet and gets a bit upset sometimes but never naughty. I took him to a speech therapist (it's delayed) and she basically said she couldn't diagnosis him but suspected ASD (she witnessed a meltdown).

My friends and family tell me they can't see anything unusual. Just normal terrible twos

I feel totally done in. I've got a 11 month baby who literally won't leave my side for more than a minute. My toddler seems to think I'm the enemy. I am the main earner in the house. Everyone around me keeps telling me to get support...but how?? I feell like a failure. And am I being horrible to my DS1 for thinking something else is going on. I feel like I'm being gaslit...my DS is hitting me, screaming, not talking and lying on the floor and everyone's like "all normal". Maybe it is all normal and I'm just a shitty mum because I don't know how to handle this

Thanks so much all. I wouldn't say people are unsupportive. I think they genuinely don't see any issue and are trying to make me feel better. When I contacted the nursery to say I was speaking to SALT - the nursery person said "I don't understand why you've contacted them, DS is golden" and it made me feel awful. Like disloyal. SALT is private so DH says they're just saying stuff to keep me coming back. I think the latest obsession with logos is worrying me...honestly he looks for the ITV logo everywhere. My in laws think it's hilarious but I find it upsetting.

I haven't read all the replies but I have friends with older teens now who didn't act on suspicions at pre school age but the issues are still there and manifesting themselves in young adults so they are now pursuing diagnoses.
In short, I'd say if you have concerns, read up to educate yourself and act upon them.

I had this with my dd. Friends, family, hv, gp and school telling me everything was fine and i just needed to discipline more. Even my dh. She was diagnosed aged 16. Probably would have been diagnosed earlier if someone had listened to me!

Another reply saying to speak to HV and/or GP and ask for a referral. Many people who don't know what they are looking for or only buy into the stereotypes of asd won't see it yet. The supports matter more than the diagnosis right now so try to read things/listen to podcasts/join fb groups or forums to help you to arm yourself with all the information you can. It was a speech therapist who triggered all our referrals but i suppose this may differ depending on where you are. She was fab and knew DH and I knew what we were talking about. Best of luck OP.

Another voice to say seek a referral OP.

From, upthread, Toddler/pre-school tantrums/meltdowns are normal

No. There is a vast difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. the terms are not interchangeable.

A tantrum is caused by a child being denied an object and when given the object, the tantrum immediately stops.

A meltdown is often triggered by a number of sensory inputs until overwhelm occurs, one may be the final straw. The child is out of control and cannot process anything until they have had time to let it all go in their own way and reset.

OP, this website will help you to understand many of your son's behaviours.
www.theottoolbox.com/

I also second reading Dr Greene's book The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance.

I feel you. My son is nearly four now and it’s calming down a bit. He was naked until about six months ago all the time at home. Still having huge meltdowns and is obsessive about weird stuff. Nursery and speech therapy all agree with me about ASD and the assessment process is underway. Family however all think wearing ear defenders all the time, being obsessively clean, not speaking at three are all perfectly normal and I’m being dramatic.

Definitely speak to your GP and insist on a Paediatrician appointment. My son almost 10 has only had his first ASD assessment last week after years of me fighting for it. He also received a statement of educational needs this year so is finally getting support. I too have many family saying hes fine, just spoilt and demanding, but his behaviour has never been like that of his peers, he also has dyslexia and DLD

Not normal. You are the expert on your child and if you see things aren’t normal then people should listen to you! But they won’t, your husband cos he’s in denial about SEN possibly and teachers / other professionals will minimise this because assessing a child for adhd (which sounds like this issue) costs money and the nurseries etc have v lkmited budget for that sort of thing.

Theee of my friends have adhd children and they followed the behaviour pattern you describe. It’s very hard I know. They didn’t get siagonsed til ages 7-8 because no one would listen 😐 in each case the mum had to organise and pay for the psychologist.

@BeMyFriend90

Thanks so much all. I wouldn't say people are unsupportive. I think they genuinely don't see any issue and are trying to make me feel better. When I contacted the nursery to say I was speaking to SALT - the nursery person said "I don't understand why you've contacted them, DS is golden" and it made me feel awful. Like disloyal. SALT is private so DH says they're just saying stuff to keep me coming back. I think the latest obsession with logos is worrying me...honestly he looks for the ITV logo everywhere. My in laws think it's hilarious but I find it upsetting.

Regardless of being private, a professional like a SALT would be very cautious about suggesting a diagnosis unless they were pretty sure.

My DD went to a private SALT by the way and just had a few sessions for a fairly minor issue and I never felt like they were trying to make me come back.

I really really really know what you mean. It's my 6 year old in my case - he gets so angry he hits and kicks and bites me, scratches his face, bits his own arms, breaks things if I don't stop him...

But no, 'he's fine'. The GP said he needs more discipline, school say he's fine there so they won't help.

Listen to your instincts. Push for help and keep pushing. Don't end up another three years down the line, with your marriage hanging by a thread and your nerves in tatters because you believed everyone when they said he would 'grow out of it'.

Oh OP, I had this with DS. I knew that there was something going on and I was dismissed for ages. By the school, by a private therapist, by DH who even said I was looking for excuses to explain our inability to parent. In the face of all this, I didn't have enough self belief to continue to advocate for him. We wasted years until he was diagnosed at the age of eight. Years where we could have been getting help and support. Years where we could have put in place measures to make his life easier. I'm so cross about it and if I could go back I'd be much more bloody minded. It does sound like there's something going on. I'd encourage you to keep going no matter what resistance you face. Good luck

Definitely speak to GP. I wouldn't say that people are trying to gaslight you as they are telling you honestly how things seem to them, but you're the one who see the whole picture, not your friends or family or nursery.

I was struck by the fact you're doing literally everything, where is your DH? Just getting annoyed at you isn't helping. If you're the main earner can he take a bit mor eof the load? At the very least he should be supporting you not making you feel wors.

I've been there. I spoke to the HV, eventually they sent someone out to see us. This person said she was unable to help as my DS behaviour was so extreme she was not qualified to advise. After years of being brushed off, behaviour minimised etc it was a shock.

@BlankTimes I didn't say they were one and the same, I mean both tantrums and emotional meltdowns are common in very young children. Sometimes small children tantrum because they want something, sometimes they just become completely emotionally overwhelmed. I know meltdown is a word some feel shouldn't be used with NT children but I'm referring to very young children becoming overwhelmed by their developing emotions, rather than simply throwing themselves on the floor because they can't have a toy.

And that is not to minimise your concern OP. Whilst it can be common for young children to tantrum or to become overwhelmed and distressed about things, it isn't common for that to be happening all day, every day