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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caring for aging parents.

44 replies

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:16

Recently I've had to admit that I am at the limit of what I can cope with. My life is complex and that is not going to change. I don't readily admit that I am struggling so stating I am means something.

At the same time, my parents have decided to locate overseas. Not just that, but to a very remote location. They are both in their early 70s and my father has recently had to give up driving for medical reasons. Any services available to them where they are will not be regular, if they can get them at all.

Before they did this, I talked to them about my concerns and encouraged them to stay close so I could support them in their older age. It's their choice, obviously, but I worry for when they need more support and care. There is no family anywhere near their new location to do it.

I can't afford to be flying to them too often. It is reasonable to just tell them I can't provide care for the sake of self-preservation and that of my family?

OP posts:

Igotchills · 02/04/2022 09:19

Maybe they are moving so the burden of care doesn’t fall to you?

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:23

@Igotchills

Maybe they are moving so the burden of care doesn’t fall to you?

They are moving because they want to. I am still expected to be caring for them.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 02/04/2022 09:39

Well how can you care for them in any practical way if they are living abroad, surely they can see this? So no popping in to clean or getting shopping for them.
Have you sat down with them and asked them how they think it will work given that it will take you X hours to get to them?
At the end of the day they are adults and can make their own decisions. You just explain what is feasible for you, say one visit per year and ask how they will cope in between visits.
Good luck op, my parents are awkward old buggers too!

DenholmElliot · 02/04/2022 09:45

It seems very obvious reading the OP that you ARE NOT expected to care for them.

I think, really, you just don't want them to move abroad, which is understandable.

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:46

@Fairyliz

Well how can you care for them in any practical way if they are living abroad, surely they can see this? So no popping in to clean or getting shopping for them. Have you sat down with them and asked them how they think it will work given that it will take you X hours to get to them? At the end of the day they are adults and can make their own decisions. You just explain what is feasible for you, say one visit per year and ask how they will cope in between visits. Good luck op, my parents are awkward old buggers too!

I'm supposed to fly to visit. I told them there is no way I can do that very regularly. They told me that when they die I'll get the money from their house so that should make up for it. There isn't any guarantee there will be any money in that house anyway. They have no practical plan that is sensible and assume someone local will be helpful if they need to go shopping. No-one particular in mind, just someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:49

@DenholmElliot

It seems very obvious reading the OP that you ARE NOT expected to care for them.

I think, really, you just don't want them to move abroad, which is understandable.

They are already abroad.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 02/04/2022 09:51

No, you do not have to care for them even if they live next door.
This is not your problem, let it go from your mind. Visit as often as you want to, not as often as you are expected to.

DenholmElliot · 02/04/2022 09:51

Oh ok they are already abroad.

Well your question was "It is reasonable to just tell them I can't provide care for the sake of self-preservation and that of my family?" and in my opinion, the answer is yes, thats reasonable.

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:52

I think I really just need to hear if it's okay to say to them that they made their choices so now have to live with them. That I can let go of the guilt I feel when I am stretched to the limit already caring for local family members. I know there might be different feelings about that.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:53

@GeneLovesJezebel

No, you do not have to care for them even if they live next door. This is not your problem, let it go from your mind. Visit as often as you want to, not as often as you are expected to.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:53

@DenholmElliot

Oh ok they are already abroad.

Well your question was "It is reasonable to just tell them I can't provide care for the sake of self-preservation and that of my family?" and in my opinion, the answer is yes, thats reasonable.

Thank you.

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 02/04/2022 10:03

Of course it's OK to tell them that. They are adults, they have made their choice and now have to live with the consequences. Let them struggle, they'll eventually move back closer to you. You have to treat them like teenagers, unless they are about to break the law, let them make their own mistakes.

SolasAnla · 02/04/2022 10:05

@WildCoasts

They are adults who made the choice to move. I am going to presume that neither have any deterioration of their mental health? You cant be expected to fly over and manage their lives when they decided to move.

I would recomemd that you ask your parents to give permission to their new local doctor to speak with you. Get emergency numbers the doctors, the local police station, nearest hospital, a friendly neighbour etc. and have a rough emergency plan for if you need to fly out as short notice.

But apart from that your visits should be to spend time being social.

Mercurial123 · 02/04/2022 10:06

Just tell them when they need help you will help them find a local person to meet their needs and they pay for the service. It's not your responsibility.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/04/2022 10:08

I'd be playing hardball here...

If course it is their CHOICE...

They have also chosen to move somewhere that makes it much more difficult for you to have a proper role in terms of helping them.

I'd keep it light at this stage...

Saying mum & dad - you do realise that by moving to outer he brides.... Makes it virtually impossible for me to visit regularly /or in an emergency?

Wombat98 · 02/04/2022 10:09

My in-laws did this, just as there was a sharp decline in their health. They have moved back now. It wasn't much fun for them & has made things worse.

However, they are adults & their lack of planning should not be your emergency.

Hard tho.

cansu · 02/04/2022 10:09

I think you have one clear conversation with them. Tell them it is of course their choice but
You will not be able to help them todo x y z
It may be difficult to find someone locally to do xyz
If one of them becomes ill you will not be able to help with xyz

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/04/2022 10:11

If you're happy to do this-crack on!

My sympathies OP- I care for elderly relative... And it's hellish... He wants to do what he wants to do... And stuff the consequences all the impact it has on my health sorting out his many many issues

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 10:18

No, there is no deterioration of their mental health. If it did get to the stage where they weren't coping I would call elder care services in to do an evaluation.

They won't be moving back here. They can't afford to now. The value of their home doesn't allow them to consider moving anywhere now. They sold their local home, bought a cheap place (because remote is generally cheaper) and have spent a lot on renovations. So the gap in house prices is too big now. They are stuck there.

OP posts:

Indicatrice · 02/04/2022 10:20

YANBU at all, they’re being rash. How often are you expected to visit them?

Tell them clearly you won’t be able to visit (maybe once a year at most).

And what happens when they want to visit the UK, will they expect to stay with you for long periods? Make it clear now there is no space for long visits.

Who are these other local family members you are caring for?

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 10:21

@IamtheDevilsAvocado

If you're happy to do this-crack on!

I hear you loud and clear. I've just started on anti-depressants and the situation with my parents has nothing to do with that. So I have to admit that this is a sign I just can't take on anything else. Yet it goes against my nature to let them suffer/not do all I can. As I was typing that I realised that I can't let myself suffer either and 'all I can' might be very little. Funny how we catch these things sometimes when we put it all down.

OP posts:

Idonea · 02/04/2022 10:22

My grandparents emigrated. Ultimately their daughter worried about them but there was fuck all she could do. She missed her mum terribly, felt deeply upset she couldn't care for her as she got older and more infirm. Now the elderly mother rings her up from a sunny beach and yells at her for not looking after her, completely oblivious to the fact people don't just follow you across the world.

They've gone. Their choice. You have to try and let go of the guilt.

ISmellBurnings · 02/04/2022 10:22

You aren’t responsible for their choices.

PermanentTemporary · 02/04/2022 10:25

No of course it's not unreasonable to recognise real limits in what you can do. You can't and shouldn't half kill yourself to service the choices of your parents.

Try to stay involved emotionally with phone calls, preferably to both of them individually.

Chely · 02/04/2022 10:25

Well they have shit it haven't they.

If they wanted more help they should have stayed closer to you.

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