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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Caring for aging parents.

44 replies

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 09:16

Recently I've had to admit that I am at the limit of what I can cope with. My life is complex and that is not going to change. I don't readily admit that I am struggling so stating I am means something.

At the same time, my parents have decided to locate overseas. Not just that, but to a very remote location. They are both in their early 70s and my father has recently had to give up driving for medical reasons. Any services available to them where they are will not be regular, if they can get them at all.

Before they did this, I talked to them about my concerns and encouraged them to stay close so I could support them in their older age. It's their choice, obviously, but I worry for when they need more support and care. There is no family anywhere near their new location to do it.

I can't afford to be flying to them too often. It is reasonable to just tell them I can't provide care for the sake of self-preservation and that of my family?

OP posts:

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 10:26

@Indicatrice

YANBU at all, they’re being rash. How often are you expected to visit them?

Tell them clearly you won’t be able to visit (maybe once a year at most).

And what happens when they want to visit the UK, will they expect to stay with you for long periods? Make it clear now there is no space for long visits.

Who are these other local family members you are caring for?

I have two children who had complex medical conditions emerge later in life. They are later teens now but I will be caring for them for the foreseeable future. Part of that is making sure I take care of my own finances for their sake. They are the priority.

I believe I'm expected to visit at least three times a year, plus emergencies. I can call regularly by phone at least.

OP posts:

nonevernotever · 02/04/2022 10:28

Nope not unreasonable at all. We (me, DH,sister and her adult daughter) share care of our elderly mother following a stroke in lockdown. She has paid help twice a week and is still able to get herself up and dressed, do bits of shopping and cook light meals.We all live close by, and it is STILL fucking hard .

nonevernotever · 02/04/2022 10:30

Cross post. That makes it even more unreasonable of them. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

HeddaGarbled · 02/04/2022 10:35

I don’t think you need to have any confrontation, just don’t go unless you have the emotional, financial and time capacity.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/04/2022 10:42

@WildCoasts

I think I really just need to hear if it's okay to say to them that they made their choices so now have to live with them. That I can let go of the guilt I feel when I am stretched to the limit already caring for local family members. I know there might be different feelings about that.

I really do think itsokay to say this.

In your shoes I would offer would I couldwithout significant hardship ( visit but less regularly provide emotional support... help arrange local paid for support)

NorthSouthcatlady · 02/04/2022 10:53

What have they said to you exactly? I wouldn’t be entertaining this, no one made them move abroad and you’re allowed to have your own life. Rather than spending annual leave and money going to see them, l doubt it will even be relaxing when you go. They sound entitled and thoughtless

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 11:01

@NorthSouthcatlady

trigger warning for this post

Basically it's all about how they'll be just fine. I'll inherit so that money I lay out in caring for them will eventually come back. If it gets bad enough they can just go to a home (I expect that to eat any inheritance, not that I care if I do inherit a cent). That maybe they can put aside some money in future to help with costs of visiting at that stage. My mother said that if things get bad enough, she might just decide she's lived long enough. I know what she means by that. I promise now I will never say that to my kids. I expect them to be okay for a good few years yet but they aren't getting any younger.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 02/04/2022 11:01

My DGM tried it on with me. Just assumed I would be there. She was local.

Your DPs have moved so as a consequence you cannot support them. I would be clear that when you visit you are visiting and nothing else.

Pegsmum · 02/04/2022 11:06

No, you aren’t obliged to care for them and they are almost blackmailing you with the mention of you receiving their money when they’ve gone. That said, I don’t think a few visits each year is unreasonable, as long as it’s on your terms. You cannot be expected to drop everything in an emergency and they need to learn the hard way that that won’t happen.
I cared for my elderly mother and it was horrendous. Don’t do it.

billy1966 · 02/04/2022 11:59

@GeneLovesJezebel

No, you do not have to care for them even if they live next door. This is not your problem, let it go from your mind. Visit as often as you want to, not as often as you are expected to.

Absolutely this.

They are adults and have made their decision.

That is it.

Who else are you caring for?

billy1966 · 02/04/2022 12:03

You have enough responsibilities going on.

You need to look after yourself.

No need for any arguments, just a simple " I can't visit, I have responsibilities here"., on a loop.

StripeyDeckchair · 02/04/2022 12:28

Put it in writing and state your position very clearly now before the move is made.

Dear Mum & Dad
I've been reflecting on your announcement that you are planning to move to X location and feel that I need to state a few things now.

due to the cost of travel distance & my existing commitments I will only be able to visit you there once a year for a max of 1 week.
I will not be able to support you in day to day living activities such as shopping, medical appointments, organising work on the house, travel for yourselves etc.
other points

I respect your decision and hope that you enjoy the life you are planning but felt it was important I made it clear how much support I would be able to offer as part of the life.

If necessary resend whenever comments are made about support/assistance reminding them that you were very clear from the outset as to how much support you could provide in the circumstances.
Under rather than over estimate the contact / support you'll be able to provide.

Good luck.

DisneyD8 · 02/04/2022 14:07

Your responsibility is to yourself & your children first

Your parents have chosen to move abroad, so they need to find their own local network & friends

Do you have power of attorney for your parents ?
They should have put this in place before they moved abroad

Carpediem15 · 02/04/2022 14:20

Do you speak the language of their chosen Country ? We have lived out of UK for 25 years (in different countries) and have come back to the UK as it was getting too difficult to get care and not as many Care Homes available. Hospitals abroad are just as busy as UK.
We continued to pay our taxes etc, kept our property in UK so we were able to do this if needed.
Don't think they have thought this through as most of the people we knew over the years did what they are doing, in reverse. How can you just drop everything and head over to where they are especially as what has happened over the last couple of years. We have had friends trapped in Europe and in UK when they wanted to be in the opposite country and we not allowed to travel.

Carpediem15 · 02/04/2022 14:22

Plus inheritance laws etc are different to UK and they (you) may have to pay tax in both countries.

countrygirl99 · 02/04/2022 14:27

They are entitled to chose where and how they live, even if their choices seem barking mad to anyone else, but they aren't entitled to make choices for you.

Original poster

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 22:28

To answer the question about power of attorney. They intend to put this in place at some stage in the future. They don't see the need yet. I am going to talk to them about this as me and DH have recently decided to take care for this for each other, before anything can happen that could make it too late.

At the moment the plan of my parents seems to be that "people are helpful and I'm sure someone in the surrounding area will take [us] shopping if we need that." There is a population of about 300 in the area so people do tend to know what goes on with who.

Thank you for the support. It helps to be reassured that I'm not an awful daughter for being firm with them about their choices and what that means for support I can provide.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 02/04/2022 22:34

@WildCoasts

OK. I’ll tell you that. I looked after mine to the end because I could. Yours have made it impossible for you to do that. You shouldn’t feel a vestige of guilt. As the saying goes, they’ve made their bed …

iheartmybeachhut · 02/04/2022 22:49

@Idonea

My grandparents emigrated. Ultimately their daughter worried about them but there was fuck all she could do. She missed her mum terribly, felt deeply upset she couldn't care for her as she got older and more infirm. Now the elderly mother rings her up from a sunny beach and yells at her for not looking after her, completely oblivious to the fact people don't just follow you across the world.

They've gone. Their choice. You have to try and let go of the guilt.

If someone was yelling down the phone at me in that scenario, I'd be hanging up pronto.

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