AIBU to find 11 yr DS really demanding...and frustrated how he can't entertain himself?

[Pantonecolour]

Namechanged for this.

Love DS (Yr 6, 11yrs) to bits. Light of our lives. Brilliant personality, caring and kind.

But my god, he has a strong sense of injustice. Often misplaced, too. He complains and demands sooooo much.

His main thing is that we don't let him have unlimited gaming or screen time and we also don't let him go to the shop every day for sweets - this, it would seem, puts us part from almost every other parent.

It feels like a constant battle, every day, whatever approach we take. we try to listen and accommodate. We apologise if we're wrong. We take it all in if he thinks we're unfair and I think he does well - but the moment he has whatever it he wants - more screen, more sweets - he's back on the old complaining horse.

And then, in between the above, when we say go and do something - he literally doesn't know what to do. It's such an effort to get him to go and draw or play with something - the many things - in his room. He just wants screen. And I really think the screen and Minecraft makes him disinterested in anything else.

I don't even know what I expect from posting. Just need to vent, I guess. But if anyone has any advice on how to approach this successfully, I'm all ears

Does he do any clubs?

Does he have interest in any sports? Bike riding?

My ds is also completely a screen boy for entertainment (he's autistic and finds it hard to engages in anything he's not interested in). But at that age he'd go to a park, to the beach and did swimming lessons.

His swimming has increased over the years and he's now national level. So his life is basically screen when at home but he also trains 20 hours a week so I stress about it less.

I also,wouldn't worry about the sweets thing. I'd give him a weekly allowance for sweets etc and once it's gone it's gone.

We have very strict limits which we stick to no matter what. So there's no "but the other day..."
during the weekends and holidays the maximum gaming time allowed is 2 hours a day, and it is based on his school marks. Low marks, the time limit lowers. No gaming on a school day. The rules are written down, so all I need to say is "not discussing it, you know the rules."

DS is also not allowed to the shop every day. He also complains he hasn't enough sweets. We have started giving him pocket money. He can buy his own. I have stopped stocking the snack cupboard. Strangely, after one week, he is not asking as often for sweets, neither is he willing to spend his own money on them.

When he moans he's bored, I offer him a choice: jigsaw puzzle, drawing, play with Lego, clean the windows, fold the laundry... he usually finds something to occupy himself with and if he truly is bored, then I have one less job to do

Very easy to solve if you are evil. Each time he complains he doesnt know what to do, give him a chore to do. My ds2 was similar but became remarkably creative about what to do with himself if the alternative was emptying the dishwasher. Try it. Every time he complains tell him you're glad he's free because you need X doing. Then explain why it's only fair that everyone shared the work of running a household equally and how unjust it is that you have to do so much of it.

How strict are you?

I say this as a parent of a 10 year old and a 19 year old - if you’re too strict with screens you’re fighting a losing battle. Whether we like it or not screens become more and more important to them as they get older - socialising and gaming etc it’s all linked now. I think you have to be realistic about how much time is reasonable - and an hour for example just isn’t really enough.

Ds aged 10 doesn’t actually have restrictions on screen time except that it goes off and stays off at bedtime and during the day we go out for at least 2/3 hours for a walk or some sort of outing somewhere. He reads before bed - no gadgets allowed in his room. (The main console we have is in the main living room so he’s always around us, then he has an iPad and a switch). I think because we are laid back he chooses to do other stuff too because the forbidden fruit thing isn’t there - he loves drawing and will draw for hours or play with lego too. I appreciate not all children will self regulate like this. But I do wonder if you’re being too strict overall.

I had a rule with mine that any demands/whinging/sulks that I heard when I said no..(no explanation, no debate, no reasoning..Just no. ) resulted in a ban for the rest of the day..Sometimes if the weather turned or an activity was cancelled etc I let them have screen time as a treat..But under my terms.
My youngest could debate for England and verbally run rings around me so I soon learnt not to get into the debate..! I just said NO! Repeatedly.. He'd follow me whinging, telling me how unfair I was, etc etc etc..I just said NO..
He's 25 now and still says how annoying he must have been but has grown into a lovely adult. (who still has outside interests that we pushed for even though all he wanted to do was play video games)
Just look at some of the posts on here by women complaining about their DH, DP and boyfriends completely addicted to screens (gaming, TV, mobiles) and know that by restricting his screen time you are hopefully teaching him a valuable lesson..
It is hard I know but you are doing the right thing..

I agree with @itsgettingweird, make sure he has plenty of hobbies/ outdoor time so when he is home you can just be relaxed about the screens.

My DS is also 11 (August born Y7). He loves gaming. However, he's at school until 5pm every day and sometimes he sleeps over there as he likes to stay with his friends. One night a week he goes to academic enrichment at school and several nights a week we go to the gym together. Many weekends he is out all weekend in the fresh air training or competing at his sport.

So when he is home, I'm really not bothered about him being on screens as I know he has plenty else in his life.

Hmm I don't have a similar child but do have a Minecraft fan who has limited screen time. He plans his builds in a journal and designs his next worlds on a3 paper. To be fair he does have a wide range of interests but maybe if your son is encouraged in an activity that relates to his passion it might spark something?

we try to listen and accommodate. We apologise if we're wrong. We take it all in if he thinks we're unfair and I think he does well - but the moment he has whatever it he wants

Try a different approach. Tell him to shut up and stop moaning all the time or you'll give him something to moan about.

Worked for me

I have the same with my DS8. It's a battle every weekend. We can't afford clubs anymore so I'm trying to think of other interesting things for him to do but quite understandably he'd rather have fun playing games with friends. His friends are mostly busy or away during weekends so playdates are not often an option either.

He needs an extra-curricular. It doesn’t have to be sport if he’s not into that but I think kids benefit from doing something that they enjoy outside of school.

Stop discussing it with him. No means no or he can go to his room and talk to the wall. You're the adult, he's the kid. What you say, goes.

I sympathise greatly - I get the same whining on a daily basis. I’m a strict bugger though and say no regularly.

They soon find something else to do - which is beating the literal shit out of each other.

I’m not sure which annoys me more…

When I get them to leave the house they tend to go to a friend who’s got the latest game. It’s insane. Last weekend the weather was incredible and they were talking to their friends with headphones despite the fact we can see their houses and they could’ve all gone to the beach to play. 🤷‍♀️

I would step back massively here. He's 11. I would decide the screen time allowance and then have no interest in what he does otherwise. For example, no screen at 10am and I'd have gone out for a run or something. Wouldn't even hear his whinging. Or, if I'd decided to stay in and say do some yoga
'I'm bored, I've got nothing to do'
'Marvellous. Go and do nothing somewhere else, I'm doing yoga.'

I agree with the pp who said set the rules and then just say you know what the rules are. Takes a lot of the agonising out of it.

Ds who is lovely was at his least lovely between 11 and 13. It's not an easy stage imo. They are tackling much more demanding things at school and becoming aware of external threats. However, they are still incredibly immature so react by behaving like arseholes

I do think though that they really seem to need a lot of interaction with adults at this time. For those of us with onlies, that's just how it is. Cooking/baking was something I could do harmoniously with ds at this stage - he responded quite well to supported success. My mother always has children chopping wood supervised from 8 and would probably have sent ds out to chop a load of firewood unsupervised at 11. I was not so brave.

I became a Woodcraft Folk leader when ds was 10 and did it for 3 years. It's a good age for that sort of group - Scouts obviously good too, depends on the leader though and really you should be prepared to get stuck in too if you can - at least a couple of sessions a term maybe. I can't honestly say I enjoyed it but it was satisfying and I saw another side to ds during those sessions.

I also totally agree with extra curricular. I know this is finance dependent, so if you can. With school, walk home, plus at least one hour of extra curricular sport per day, plus dinner, bedtime at 8-9 (reading) for my 11yo, there's only about 2 hours left per day. I'm happy for her to spend that on a screen if she wishes. This way i don't need to set limits.

You are doing a great job and you are not alone in bearing these frustrations. Tech and screen time has specific impacts on brain development and on emotional regulation and your 'holding' of his frustration is a) helping him to learn that frustration is human b) it will pass c) his tolerance for frustration has now improved. He is also now practing self-control and delayed gratification which is important for effective development of his pre-frontal cortex (that's the bit of the brain that went off-line for Will Smith at the Oscars) He won't as an adult be using maladaptive ways to displace frustration b/c he is unable to contain it. We have this with our 14 year old when boundaries are enforced but I appreciate, it is not easy and very tiring. All very well to day do other hobbies and of course, developing interests is important but the problem arises when any time spent away from these activities is spent engaging with screens; there is no down time for the brain. The down time is where creativity (to draw, to imagine , to create) resides. His pushing against the boundary is his confirmation that he is safe, even though on a superficial level that's not how he will present it to you. It's all about finding the right balance and sometimes this can take time.

Stop all the listening and allowing him to mke his point and all that gubbins.

You’re the parents.

No. That’s it.

And if he moans then he doesn’t get his sweets, screen time or whatever tomorrow. And then follow it through.

Tell him you’ll play with him at x time and do y thing, but until then he needs to entertain himself. And send him off to do it. No. I’m not playing with you now. No. If you won’t go and find something to do I won’t play with you later.

Etc etc etc.

Set the boundaries.
Maintain them.

@DenholmElliot

we try to listen and accommodate. We apologise if we're wrong. We take it all in if he thinks we're unfair and I think he does well - but the moment he has whatever it he wants

Try a different approach. Tell him to shut up and stop moaning all the time or you'll give him something to moan about.

Worked for me

This! You sound like a permissive soft touch. No wonder he's a tantrumming brat. Where are his consequences?

My kids know the times they can play games. Outside these times they do other things. Nobody complains or whinges, and if there is bad behaviour the privileges are taken away. With clear boundaries and obvious consequences, behaviour is really good.

Punish his whinging to teach him better manners, before he grows up and gets his arse kicked in a pub or loses a job for being rude. Book him into a sport class. Try and remember your job isn't too be his friend and make him happy at all costs, but to prepare him for a world that won't tolerate pathetic tantrums or his claims that life isn't fair.

It’s a crap age, my sons 11, 12 in June. My god he’s draining sometimes. He moans about sweets, fizzy juice, being hungry all the time. I’m looking at clubs for him, something active. He goes to a band twice weekly, but needs something else. If I hear I’m bored again, I’ll scream! I’m trying to get him to keep in touch with his friends also, start organising to meet up. Being a bit more sociable and thinking for himself.

Don't entertain your dc saying they're bored to you @Lovemyheathershimmer
How dare they? It's not your job to entertain them.
I think my dc's said it once, can't remember when, say around 5. They received a full on rant from me with all the usual stuff 'not my job to entertain you. You can do chores if you're bored. Only boring people get bored' etc etc and have never said it again.

arethereanyleftatall
That’s the thing I was born in 1972 and we had to find our own entertainment. All through the summer holidays, we were hardly ever taken to days out. Maybe the odd beach trip. We were expected to go out to play and come back at lunch and dinner lol. None of this I’m bored. Lol we were told to get out and play and that was it.

@Porcupineintherough

Very easy to solve if you are evil. Each time he complains he doesnt know what to do, give him a chore to do. My ds2 was similar but became remarkably creative about what to do with himself if the alternative was emptying the dishwasher. Try it. Every time he complains tell him you're glad he's free because you need X doing. Then explain why it's only fair that everyone shared the work of running a household equally and how unjust it is that you have to do so much of it.

I have done this and also walked DS into his room and asked if he wants me to gut it all and take it to the charity shop for him.

After his distressed response I acted bewildered and asked how he could have nothing to do with so many toys and games? And if he didn't find them worth his time why he wanted to keep them.

I hate to say this but my ds was pretty screen obsessed from about age 12. Before then he read voraciously but that stopped once he started gaming. He did plenty of extra curricular activities so I satisfied myself with that (choir, scouts, swimming). Now age 22 and seems to be permanently on a screen if not at work or uni. So disheartening but if all their friends socialise like that, what can you do? He goes out out probably twice a week.

@Porcupineintherough

Very easy to solve if you are evil. Each time he complains he doesnt know what to do, give him a chore to do. My ds2 was similar but became remarkably creative about what to do with himself if the alternative was emptying the dishwasher. Try it. Every time he complains tell him you're glad he's free because you need X doing. Then explain why it's only fair that everyone shared the work of running a household equally and how unjust it is that you have to do so much of it.

This was my mothers tactic 🤣🤣 we never complained we were bored because there would be hoovering , polishing, washing up etc to be done!

It’s good for kids to be bored, with my two if they’re moaning about being bored I’ll tell them to find something to do amidst the many toys, games, craft supplies, books etc or I’ll find something to do for them - I have an endless supply of small chores that need done. They’ll still complain about being bored (meaning they want a screen) but will also go and do something else after a few minutes. I don’t tend to negotiate too much with them, they know the deal with screen time so they know once it’s done they need to find something else. They also know that I’m not really bothered that they’re bored, so I’m not going to rush around finding ways to fill their time for them.