AIBU to find 11 yr DS really demanding...and frustrated how he can't entertain himself?

[Pantonecolour]

Namechanged for this.

Love DS (Yr 6, 11yrs) to bits. Light of our lives. Brilliant personality, caring and kind.

But my god, he has a strong sense of injustice. Often misplaced, too. He complains and demands sooooo much.

His main thing is that we don't let him have unlimited gaming or screen time and we also don't let him go to the shop every day for sweets - this, it would seem, puts us part from almost every other parent.

It feels like a constant battle, every day, whatever approach we take. we try to listen and accommodate. We apologise if we're wrong. We take it all in if he thinks we're unfair and I think he does well - but the moment he has whatever it he wants - more screen, more sweets - he's back on the old complaining horse.

And then, in between the above, when we say go and do something - he literally doesn't know what to do. It's such an effort to get him to go and draw or play with something - the many things - in his room. He just wants screen. And I really think the screen and Minecraft makes him disinterested in anything else.

I don't even know what I expect from posting. Just need to vent, I guess. But if anyone has any advice on how to approach this successfully, I'm all ears

My children are pretty screen obsessed. It's inevitable. DD3 (12) does Army Cadets twice per week, plus drama club after school once or twice per week. She needs time to just decompress. So I'm not overly bothered as long as her attitude is good.

I judge most things on attitude. If she's grumpy and moany, I pull bed time back a bit. If she's co-operative and 'herself' then I'm a bit more relaxed about it.

Sweets are never guaranteed, but we have a limit of 60g. They can choose any sweets from their tubs, but they have to stick to the limit. That way, there are no arguments about one chew being worth two chocolates, etc.

My dd is same age and similar. She has an hour max a day. She has to join in dog walking and we go on lots of trips out. Also she is in guides and horse rides. But at home she just wants to lie on the sofa watching mindless rubbish on YouTube. When the hour is up there’s no more.

I wish she was better at self stimulating as she’ll then want to do stuff together like baking, learning a dance, karaoke but I figure that’s partly being an only child so no siblings to play with.

Thanks for all the replies. Good to know I'm not alone!

For the person who said I'm a 'permissive soft touch,' - I'm really not. I'm harsh. We stick to the rules but it's just he's a major campaigner.

He is very sporty and does one particular sport several times a week, plus another sport and a music lesson - but there are still a lot of hours in the day. And if he could, he'd fill it with screen.

What is hard is knowing if you are making it the forbidden fruit or whether you are doing him a massive favour.

If he's doing that sport etc I'd not worry.

I have simple rules such as no screen time until you're ready. If ds uses his iPad etc before getting ready and forgets something I don't bail him out and tell him straight if he had time for screens he had time to organise himself (his usual excuse is lack of time ).

I also have a rule when we come to mealtimes that there is 30 minutes away from screens minimum. So he doesn't scoff to run back and helps tidy away afterwards.

the moment he has whatever it he wants - more screen, more sweets - he's back on the old complaining horse.

Well, yes: he can see it works.

@Ellmau

the moment he has whatever it he wants - more screen, more sweets - he's back on the old complaining horse.

Well, yes: he can see it works.

No, it doesn't work. We don't give in. We might try to have a conversation about it, so he feels heard, but we haven't changed our rules

I 'think' your parenting might be like my friends. She does everything right technically, tries really hard to follow all the 'rules'. Has read all the books. But...she's (they are) too involved. Its too much attention. It's so difficult to articulate why, it just doesn't work. You don't need to listen to him so he feels heard when you've already told him the deal. 'No'.

Why does he need to be 'heard' not everything is a problem he needs to learn some things are just a him problem and he needs to shut up about it.

Yes, I'm sure there's truth in I listen too much. I should just cut it off

Congratulations on having a Kevin the Teenager

Can't help re the complaining, but we have rule in our house - if you use the word "bored" you get given a bin to wash out. Only had to do it once, all three quite now quite good at not complaining about nothing to do!

I think this depends so much on the personality of the child - some are just born negotiators and are relentless, I totally get it OP!! My eldest has always been like this, he is now 14 and I have got to the stage where I have said as long as he does his lessons, homework, exercise and other chores/necessities then he can have as much screen time as he wants. I guess he probably has “too much”, but he doesn’t just sit playing games, he designs things, creates and edits videos, watches news etc. Giving his this freedom has transformed our lives - the constant moans and fights and tantrums were horrendous (he has ASD and screens are his main coping mechanism). We had many years of taking screens away for bad behaviour, sometimes for months at a time. But now this works for us. My middle two have strict screen time which is enforced daily and although they would like more they stick to the rules and don’t moan. My youngest doesn’t have any restrictions as he will play for a bit on his iPad then run off to play football, so he self-regulates. It’s not a “one size fits all” thing with screens. I often wish we didn’t have them at all for many reasons, but as others have said it’s the way the world is going…

"It feels like a constant battle, every day, whatever approach we take. we try to listen and accommodate. We apologise if we're wrong. We take it all in if he thinks we're unfair and I think he does well - but the moment he has whatever it he wants - more screen, more sweets - he's back on the old complaining horse."
On the basis of 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got' - I think you should reconsider your 'listen and accommodate' approach. You're the adult, he's the child. Try a straight no, maybe 'I've told you no already' at a push - and stop presenting it to him as a negotiation. The decision has been made. The answer is no. He's 11, he's always going to think you're unfair. The answer's still no, now go to your room and give me peace.

"And then, in between the above, when we say go and do something - he literally doesn't know what to do. It's such an effort to get him to go and draw or play with something - the many things - in his room."
Then he'll get bored. And he'll learn to draw, read, play because there's nothing else to do. Or stare out the window. Whatever. Boredom is not fatal, it's actually quite a good prompt. Just don't expect it to work first time, it might take months of boredom before he finds some initiative. But he'll never find it until you allow him to get bored.