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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ffs I lost my cool!

37 replies

Roui · 02/04/2022 03:29

So i stupidly got into a relationship that went too quickly. Within 8 months we were living together and he was a bloody nightmare, and I ended up on anti depressants for the hell of being there.

Long story short, he started screaming at my 12 year old son, then kicked us out.
I ended up being in a refuge.
Anyway 5 weeks later he’s begging for me back, hundreds of texts and phone calls, all saying he was an idiot here realised he was in the wrong, come home i want to marry you, your my world blah blah blah.
Of course being the dickhead I am I thought he was genuine. I went over, slept with him, talked and then the next day he’s like right you coming back home now?
I was saying I’m not ready, kids to think off, trust to rebuild and I needed to see the change not just hear the words. He said he couldn’t wait for me it wasn’t what he wanted he wanted family life.

Anyway tonight I went past his rd and a car was on the front, there was another woman, in my house (still joint tenant) on my sofa.
I lost my shit and knocked on the door, he was a pussy and came to the window, saying go away l’ve told you we are over, I said you slept with me two days ago, I have all these texts to prove you were begging me to come home.
He basically made me look mental and to be fair I was just so angry l did over react by banging on the door and shouting that he was a cheat and using her as much as he had used me!

Anyway I’m just so angry with myself. He’s like all i need to move to on and I’m not actually arsed about him, he’s not all that. But I’m homeless and he’s there in a house I should be in and have put money into (social housing) I feel like blowing his world apart and ending the tenancy! But he has a 5 year old 6 days a fortnight and he basically says I would ruin her life doing that… despite my child living with me in a refuge due to him!

Absolute bell end, but can I have some woman power to make me feel better?

OP posts:
Moody123 · 02/04/2022 03:45

Ohhh love! I don't have any advice but your better off without him, the moment he shouted at your DS that would have been it !
I would just let it all go and never think of him again (although I know that's easy for me to say)
You do however need to speak to the council to try and get somewhere to live.

Theunamedcat · 02/04/2022 03:55

End the tenancy his new girlfriend can look after him you owe him nothing and you don't need to feel responsible for his actions

Philisophigal · 02/04/2022 04:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

SD1978 · 02/04/2022 04:50

Did he have the tenancy initially? If so I'd remove your name, but that's all. If you had it initially, I'd be finding a way to get back into your house.

custardbear · 02/04/2022 06:01

Your priority is your child, the ex needs to remain ex and keep away from them. What kind of man would allow a woman and child to leave with no place to go, he should have gone and sofa surfed if necessary.
Future, don't get into relationships so deep with a child in your care, just keep their world safe for them

HollowTalk · 02/04/2022 06:11

Is the tenancy in your name or both names?

Haveatakeaway · 02/04/2022 07:27

I don't know anything about tenancies sorry. Does the refuge help you to find somewhere new to live? Do this if you can. Please be kind to yourself here, you're not the first person to believe someone has genuine interest and love for you. And if anyone's a dickhead it's certainly not you! Has your depression been any better since you've been living apart? He doesn't care about your son living in a refuge, a child who has no say over anything. He's a dick.

Original poster
Roui · 02/04/2022 09:36

Thank you for all all your kind words.

He had another house before, but this is a new joint on a different house. Technically i could do three things, say i am in more need of the house and make him have to move out, or I could be really awful and just quit the tenancy full stop which means it ends for both parties.
Or I sign it over to him and walk away.
I am waiting to be rehoused but could take months.

I’m just so annoyed that he did this to me and just gets to start again… she’s obviously already sucked in by his lies as she just didn’t look at me, if she had any sense she would run a mile!

I just need to get my furniture and stuff out of that house, it pains me that she was sat on my bloody sofa! Petty I know but I have to live with that in my head every time I look at it and it’s new and not even bloody paid for yet!

He won’t let my older sons come to the house to get my stuff either, just me or a removal company. I just want this absolute nightmare over.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 02/04/2022 09:45

So if it’s joint tenancy just move back in and he can go

If he won’t I would end the tenancy. I wouldn’t care about his child, not my problem

As to your stuff just rock up with your sons and collect it

FelicityPike · 02/04/2022 09:47

@Chloemol

So if it’s joint tenancy just move back in and he can go

If he won’t I would end the tenancy. I wouldn’t care about his child, not my problem

As to your stuff just rock up with your sons and collect it

This.
Cocomarine · 02/04/2022 09:48

Having made a whole heap of bad decisions, why not make this the day you make a good decision - and find out about transferring the tenancy to your name as most in need?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 02/04/2022 09:54

Why on earth wouldn't you end the tenancy? Surely the council won't give you another place while you're named on there? Why do you care about his 6 day a fitbit kid when yours is homeless???

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 02/04/2022 09:54

Fortnight not fitbit sorry!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/04/2022 10:00

If you're in a refuge then you will have evidence of domestic abuse and you can apply for an occupation order for the house. Ask the refuge staff to support you. I'd be very surprised if they haven't discussed this with you already when they go through your options.

dogsonrollerskates · 02/04/2022 10:04

You are in more need of the house, whether you say it or not. His child presumably has somewhere decent to live when not with him, so the child would not be homeless if your ex had to leave the house.

Yoyokitten · 02/04/2022 10:07

Oh no.
So you're still paying half the rent, meanwhile living in a refuge?
That seems silly and so unfair on you.
You do realise he's blackmailing you saying about ruining his daighter's life. What about your son? He's no catch by the sound of it, but you've done nothing. Good luck 💐

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/04/2022 10:17

i am surprised you have a joint tenancy
that wasnt the best idea
even i was persuaded to have a tenancy in my own name 26 years ago

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/04/2022 10:18

anyway - wishing you good luck - be strong!

Idonea · 02/04/2022 10:19

You need to look into doing the Freedom Project or something, speak to Women's Aid. It's a course that helps women stop making poor choices when it comes to abusive men.

Nidan2Sandan · 02/04/2022 10:24

You need to terminate the tenancy, you wont be able to get a tenancy elsewhere otherwise.

FloralsForSpring · 02/04/2022 10:26

Sort the tenancy out for the sake of your child.

Mangogogogo · 02/04/2022 10:27

To be clear op you are not the first woman to do this and you won’t be the last so please don’t beat yourself up. Is the house council? Your refuge should be able to advise you better as they know your story, talk to them and accept all the help they offer because they have the power to get things done. If it’s private rented or agency I would ask them to help you get in touch and arrange the housing.

Livebythecoast · 02/04/2022 10:55

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. What's done is done now - What's important is what you do next. I agree with others, don't sign over the tenancy to him. Tell him you're moving back in as it's a joint tenancy (and he's got your furniture ffs while you're living in a refuge?!) Or end the tenancy. His child isn't your problem and they have a house presumably with their mother?.
Be strong, don't take any crap - wishing you all the very best Flowers

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 02/04/2022 11:34

Sending powerful hugs your way.. what a twat he is

Original poster
Roui · 04/04/2022 02:51

Thanks for all the replies…

Quick update… so on Saturday morning I arranged a van and went over to get my stuff with my 17 year old son.
She was there, he was bloody awful to us. Threatening to call the police to which I said do it.
Anyway in the end she left and my removal man loaded the van up.

Later I realised he had purposefully left some things of mine in the house. As I had written an Instagram post (not mentioning his name or any identifiable info) sharing what he’d done to me, he said until I took it down I wasn’t having me stuff, I just hung up on him. He then left voicemails telling me the police were coming to speak to him about my anti social behaviour.
I said great that’s fine because i would like to report him for psychological abuse of a child. And I had evidence (I recorded the incident when he kicked us out and screamed at my son!)

He soon piped down.

House is social housing. So I know I could fight for it or just give notice and it would mean he would have to move out in 4 weeks.
They have said I can sign end of tenancy on the day I sign a new one for myself. Could be months yet though.
I don’t wanna be a bitch, but if he tries to threaten me in anyway again I will unleash hell.
I know I have him by the balls now, and I think he’s realised he needs to lay low.

OP posts: