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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

When you intensely dislike someone at work...

64 replies

PinkAndViolet · 01/04/2022 18:59

Aibu to ask what on earth can you do? We have a new team leader. She is extremely bossy, unapproachable and all of us dislike her and feel on edge when she is around. It's actually ruining my time off as I start worrying about going back to work and dealing with her. How do you handle a situation like this?

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FollowtheLizards · 01/04/2022 23:29

Normally these people act like this because they are aware on some level that they are somewhat shit at their job (imposter syndrome but with just enough balls to fake it until they hopefully make it). If you like your role, other than twatty TL, you could try the previously suggested route of collective grievance. Otherwise, I would (and have in previous circumstances) looked for a new job.

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 23:36

I fire them if I can
Befriend them
Move departments
Get promoted
Get another job

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/04/2022 23:42

@PinkAndViolet

She is incredibly bossy and demanding. She always looks at us disapprovingly as if we are young kids not meeting her expectations. She speaks rudely and snaps at us. Very critical and never praises or supports. She has alienated everybody in the team. Some are very angry. Others like me are very upset and on edge. Our department has been struggling for a while so she has been brought in to help improve things but her presence is making everything worse. A leader cannot lead and change things for the better if people are scared of them or find them intimidating and rude. No people skills at all and the thought of going back on Monday is making me feel sick. I know it will be on my mind all this weekend and I will not be able to unwind.
So she's been brought in specifically to sort out huge problems, not make friends or be all fluffy bunny with what she's been told is the source of the problem - the staff.

Was there anybody from the team approaching management with ideas for how to resolve the problems beforehand, or is it a very passive and negative atmosphere with everybody declaring that nothing will ever get better and no changes can ever be made?

I've been inflicted with New Shiny Things with Big Ideas from outside before now many, many times. The way to cope with it is generally to grit your teeth and do whatever it is they tell you to do, because that's what you're being paid for. At the same time, you look for an alternative role whilst keeping your head down where the boss is concerned.

Usually, once they're past the initial make a good impression on management stage, they chill out a bit, especially if they've realised the staff aren't actually as useless as they initially appeared to be. But not all. For those, the best attitude is to think 'I'm being paid to have her tell me what to do, not to like it' and that takes some of her power away, as you're then doing something because you want the wages, not having things done to you.

Notjustanymum · 02/04/2022 00:43

I had a new manager like this. She wanted people to volunteer to cover a year-end system change. In a meeting where she was berating people for not volunteering, I (new team member) asked her exactly what cover she needed, explaining that people needed to know the extent of the effort required, so that people could volunteer a fair amount of hours to ensure the cover was adequate. She suddenly realised that she had to work out what cover was actually required, and everyone suddenly stepped up once they saw that they also needed to volunteer for only 10% of the holiday!
People like this need to be challenged: What are you trying to achieve? How do you think we can best help you to achieve this? Etc. are the questions you need to be asking them. Put them on the spot and get them to tell you what they need done. Be the people that are trying to support them. It will unnerve a bully and make them try to work with, instead of against, a team!

blueshoes · 02/04/2022 01:08

I agree with NeverDrop. It is the best way to look after your own interests. Look for another job but keep it professional and strictly business in the meantime. Who knows, once she realises you are competent, you might actually end up liking each other.

But look for another job in the meantime. No rush.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 02/04/2022 01:11

If you enjoy the type of work you do and usually your place of work, and this person is upsetting a lot of people, why are you not considering a collective grievance?

If my job was convenient, good money, good pension etc., and 1 person was pissing a number of people off, I would be looking to how I could get rid of them, before I thought about losing my job.

PinkAndViolet · 02/04/2022 12:44

People are too scared to do that as we feel management won't take us seriously

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FinallyHere · 02/04/2022 14:08

Agree with PP that you grit your teeth, do what you are told and keep your head down, while looking for a new job.

Consider whether it's bad enough for you to be signed off from work with stress.

We once had one of these, at one point all direct reports were signed off with stress. He was given executive coaching and managed to be more open when he was challenging us.

Eventually, a director level person who was approached to fill a new role refused to join until was let go. It took a good few years during which time lots of good people had found new jobs.

Management will react, just maybe take longer than might suit you. Good luck.

Lwren · 02/04/2022 14:26

Many many years ago as a young woman and single mother I despite being excellent at my job role was treated very poorly by a woman thrice my age. The company I worked at was entrenched with bullying and it made my life absolutely hell.
I look back now and even though life is great I'm still bitter and angry I was treated like that as an adult for years.
I wish to be honest, I'd have asked "I'm sorry who are you talking to? I sincerely hope it isn't me".
She was a bully. Like this megatwat you're describing.
Anyway I ended up being told lots about her, being told how miserable her homelife was and her husband was a cheat. Just like playground bullies, workplace ones aren't happy.
But that's not anyone else's problem, my regret is I didn't stand up for myself but that place of work would have sacked me.
Nobody every backs up the person that doesn't tolerate being spoken too like a dickhead, do they?
But don't end up angry and bitter because of one miserable bully.
Complain, kick off, leave, but get a plan in place, so you're not dealing with some horrendous snot manager for the next years of your life

PinkAndViolet · 02/04/2022 18:59

Thanks all. Even today has been ruined. Just thinking about going back on Monday.

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Rosebel · 02/04/2022 21:06

I totally get you. I'm the same and not back until Wednesday.
Where I work management stick together and cover for each other. I am not joking when I say on this woman's first day she made 2 people cry and another lad walked out.
As I said I can't really offer any advice except to either look for something else or if everything else is fine then just crack on and avoid her.
As I dislike the woman so much I'm leaving. Is it worth getting signed off with work related stress and using the time to apply for new jobs?

tokyo1 · 02/04/2022 21:07

I did eventually leave the job. Funnily enough she then also left 6 months later. Spent many many years there being miserable due to her behaviour. Except when she was off maternity leave. That was bliss.

Saltyquiche · 02/04/2022 21:10

On mass speak to her manager

PinkAndViolet · 02/04/2022 22:38

@Rosebel Very similar to our scenario. Upset and angry, all of us are. I'm really surprised none of us have walked out. Something needs to change and fast.

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bananaboats · 02/04/2022 23:25

I'd start looking for a new job ASAP, speaking from experience it won't get better!

TooOldToBeAGoth · 03/04/2022 14:41

From experience, this will only get worse and worse. It’s not worth it. Start looking for a new job now while you are still in a good frame of mind. Don’t leave it 6 months hoping it will get better, it won’t and you’ll be desperate to leave by then and may make a bad move….. good luck. And try to enjoy the rest of your weekend x

PinkAndViolet · 03/04/2022 18:25

Feel sick with anxiety tonight.

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Muchtoomuchtodo · 03/04/2022 18:32

I found myself in the same position 3 years ago. One person turned a job that I’d loved into one that I dreaded going to. She was never going to change so I had to do something.

Start looking for a new job before it ruins even more of your weekends.

Rosebel · 03/04/2022 19:52

I honestly would and have myself go sick with work related stress. Get signed off for a fortnight if you can and spend a couple of days calming down and relaxing. Then apply for any job going that suits your circumstances and skills. There is a high possibility you could get another job to coincide with the end of your sick leave. Then just work your notice or use A/L and leave.

deste · 03/04/2022 20:23

We had a nightmare boss, what we did was three of us handed in our notice on the same day. That left her with one member of staff covering a massive area. Her response was to go on long term sick leave. The following week she had a heart attack.

SilverSifa · 03/04/2022 20:57

If you can go on sick I’d probably do that. It will give you some breathing space and you can then look for something else. Is there anyone higher you could perhaps approach about her attitude problem?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2022 21:08

I'm really surprised none of us have walked out

That's why "group complaints" aren't always the best solution; some may back out, others may go to her behind everyone else's back, and before you know it you've got a complete mess on your hands

Complain by all means but do it individually - apart from anything else, having multiple people to deal with instead of just one spokeswoman may prod management into doing something

And if they don't have the sense to do so, leave

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2022 21:16

Would also suggest you avoid the inevitable, knee jerk advice to go off sick (unless of course you really are)

If there's a chance that management will be silly enough to side with her, these are the people who you'll need a reference from - and contrary to what so many insist, references can contain a whole range of things providing they're factual

Rosebel · 03/04/2022 21:45

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Would also suggest you avoid the inevitable, knee jerk advice to go off sick (unless of course you really are)

If there's a chance that management will be silly enough to side with her, these are the people who you'll need a reference from - and contrary to what so many insist, references can contain a whole range of things providing they're factual

They can but its pretty unusual. Most references just confirm your start and end dates.
PinkAndViolet · 03/04/2022 22:28

I think I will attempt to go in tomorrow but go home if it gets too much. Been looking for new jobs all day.

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