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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joint party dilemma.

35 replies

Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 17:49

Dd and her closest friend have birthdays pretty close together. Her friends mum suggested a joint party because of it being so close together (matter of a few days), to spread out the cost. Seemed like a good idea.

But now I'm not sure. She wants to keep it as a surprise party but honestly I don't think it'll work. Her kids go bed early and she has a lot of time to herself to prepare things, I don't. I will have to prepare things with my dc around, it will not be a surprise as Dd is not stupid and she'll see my preparing things!

I hate surprises as do my dc (one is autistic, but not the birthday child so surprises are not good!)

Sounds like a trivial thing but aibu to say it cannot be a surprise or we will have to do a joint party?

Dd is desperate for a party after the last 2 years. If it's kept a surprise she'll think she won't be having one. I know that's the whole point of a surprise party but would be nice for Dd to look forward to it.

Plus her children have quite severe food allergies and honestly my limit would be buying frozen sausages and sausage rolls and cooking them because I'm a shit cook. Plus cake has to be homemade due to their allergies. Surely dd could have her own cake and they just don't eat it? I'm shit at baking too!!

Plus I honestly don't think a surprise party will work. Invitations will be given out at school, therefore other kids will know about it anyway!

Wwyd?

With all the crap going on in the world, this is causing me a lot of stress - a bloody kids party.

OP posts:
Cherryflavouranything · 01/04/2022 17:55

NOBODY has surprise parties for kids, specifically for the reasons you mention. Just say that you can't do a surprise one. Let her attempt her own one if she insists on it, but just do separate parties.

Bdhntbis · 01/04/2022 17:57

I just can’t see how that would work for all the reasons you’ve said; I’d politely say that you’d rather not do a surprise party so it’d be better to do separate celebrations for them

inkyfingers · 01/04/2022 18:04

Just say you’ve changed your mind and that it’s not going to work. Hopefully your friendship will survive, but there will be a bigger fallout if you don’t and party goes ahead. Sounds a nightmare

Clymene · 01/04/2022 18:07

Surprise parties are generally a shit idea and for children they're absolutely idiotic.

Also a joint party should mean that you agree between you how it works, not that one person calls the shots and the other pays half.

Tell her you don't think it's going to work

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/04/2022 18:08

Kids surprise parties can't be a thing surely? I agree it wouldn't work for all the reasons you already said. Just tell her you don't want to do a surprise one as it really wouldn't suit your kids so if that is what she really wants to do you can both just have your own parties.

Pyri · 01/04/2022 18:08

Tell her that you already told DD before it was suggested it was a surprise so very sorry, she knows anyway so can’t be a surprise

RonObvious · 01/04/2022 18:09

My daughter’s autistic. A surprise party would be her idea of hell.

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/04/2022 18:12

Tell her it seemed like a good idea on the face of it, but it's not going to work. You'll be doing your own thing for your DD. The end.

Original poster
Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 18:14

@RonObvious

My daughter’s autistic. A surprise party would be her idea of hell.
100 percent. Dd is not autistic, although has some degree of sen. Her older brother does though and even for him his sisters surprise party would be hell, he'll be fine if he knows but if it was a surprise he would tell her for sure.

I'll be saying no surprise or do our own thing!

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 01/04/2022 18:15

Honestly just say no. You clearly don't want to have a joint party, so say so. It shouldn't be too hard to say that your dd would like a party of her own or you'd like to throw her one since covid has meant she hasn't been able to have one for a while. I'd ask her when she wanted to do hers so that the parties don't overlap but otherwise do your own thing.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:17

I would suggest that the party isn't a surprise because the girls will find out about it from the invited children long before.

Perhaps compromise with a surprise element? Something they both like that would be fun and exciting?

I would also warn that if you dd is not the alpha then take care she isn't left out. We had two birthday parties with a friend of dds that shared a birthday and on both occasions the other girl took over. So watch out for that!

Merryoldgoat · 01/04/2022 18:19

I just wouldn't engage with this.

'Thanks, that's a really nice idea but it's not suitable for us'.

You'll end up pissed off and with someone else dominating your child's party.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:23

The third year I mentioned that we would be doing our own thing, and her dd found out the date and invited everyone on the same day before we had even confirmed and made things very awkward.

If you are going to separate the birthdays, be clear about the dates and support each other in agreeing no overlaps of themes or activity! Also depending on the character of the other child, be provided for it to become very competitive. God I don't miss kids parties!!! Mine are teen now and slouch off to wagamamas!

lanthanum · 01/04/2022 18:28

Surprise parties are silly with kids - half the fun is in the anticipation, and some kids are really disappointed if they're not having one (even if they stifle that because they know mum's said it's because they can't afford it this year).

Joint parties are a really good idea when it's something like soft play, because it splits the cost and the deal is pretty fixed. (I also liked the one where the invites said "just bring one present and we'll divvy them up".) For a party-at-home, I think you probably have to be fairly united on what you want to do, and it may be easier to do things separately and just coordinate dates.

Aprilx · 01/04/2022 18:33

I have never heard of a surprise birthday party for a child before. It makes it easy for you, you say you don’t want to do it like that and best do your own thing.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:38

You definitely have the excuse of no parties for two years so you have been looking forward to it angle if you are looking for an escape route.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:39

The other mother does already sound like hard work to me.

Gilly12345 · 01/04/2022 18:43

Adults may have surprise parties but not children, does the other Mum really think it will stay a surprise with the other children around her child.

What a shit idea.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:45

What a shit idea.

Why don't you cut the chase and just tell her that Grin

JustLyra · 01/04/2022 18:45

I would just say to her that because of the last 2 years you think it would be better for the girls to have the exact parties they want and maybe you can consider a joint party in future years.

Original poster
Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 18:48

@Swayingpalmtrees

I would suggest that the party isn't a surprise because the girls will find out about it from the invited children long before.

Perhaps compromise with a surprise element? Something they both like that would be fun and exciting?

I would also warn that if you dd is not the alpha then take care she isn't left out. We had two birthday parties with a friend of dds that shared a birthday and on both occasions the other girl took over. So watch out for that!

DD's friend is very much the alpha and quite demanding (like her mum it seems!). This would concerned me and so good point, never thought of that. Also her friend has a lot of similar age cousins that she would probably invite which is fine to an extent but I'd rather it was just their class mates as cousins go to different school and Dd does not have any cousins or any other kids in the family to invite!
OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 18:48

Surprise parties for children are not great.
Dd will keep asking about a party and will get upset thinking nothing is happening.
I would just speak to the other parent and explain everything like you have here.
If she wants to organise a surprise party then politely say you’ll need to back out and arrange something different for your dd but make sure they’re not on the same days

Original poster
Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 18:49

@Sceptre86

Honestly just say no. You clearly don't want to have a joint party, so say so. It shouldn't be too hard to say that your dd would like a party of her own or you'd like to throw her one since covid has meant she hasn't been able to have one for a while. I'd ask her when she wanted to do hers so that the parties don't overlap but otherwise do your own thing.
It's not that j don't want to. Seemed like a good idea at first but now I'm not sure!
OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/04/2022 18:51

Where would this party be? If at friends house your Dd won’t feel it is her party.

I would just say your Dd had her own ideas for her party (largely sausage roll based Wink ) and as they couldn’t have parties last year why not let them have as many as possible this year and reconsider next year?

girlmom21 · 01/04/2022 18:51

I'd just tell her you don't want to do a surprise party as DD will think she's not having one and she'd be really excited to help plan it.