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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Joint party dilemma.

35 replies

Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 17:49

Dd and her closest friend have birthdays pretty close together. Her friends mum suggested a joint party because of it being so close together (matter of a few days), to spread out the cost. Seemed like a good idea.

But now I'm not sure. She wants to keep it as a surprise party but honestly I don't think it'll work. Her kids go bed early and she has a lot of time to herself to prepare things, I don't. I will have to prepare things with my dc around, it will not be a surprise as Dd is not stupid and she'll see my preparing things!

I hate surprises as do my dc (one is autistic, but not the birthday child so surprises are not good!)

Sounds like a trivial thing but aibu to say it cannot be a surprise or we will have to do a joint party?

Dd is desperate for a party after the last 2 years. If it's kept a surprise she'll think she won't be having one. I know that's the whole point of a surprise party but would be nice for Dd to look forward to it.

Plus her children have quite severe food allergies and honestly my limit would be buying frozen sausages and sausage rolls and cooking them because I'm a shit cook. Plus cake has to be homemade due to their allergies. Surely dd could have her own cake and they just don't eat it? I'm shit at baking too!!

Plus I honestly don't think a surprise party will work. Invitations will be given out at school, therefore other kids will know about it anyway!

Wwyd?

With all the crap going on in the world, this is causing me a lot of stress - a bloody kids party.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 18:53

@HomeHomeInTheRange

Where would this party be? If at friends house your Dd won’t feel it is her party.

I would just say your Dd had her own ideas for her party (largely sausage roll based ) and as they couldn’t have parties last year why not let them have as many as possible this year and reconsider next year?

Village hall would be rented! Most kids here have their parties there at some point! But yeah good idea!

OP posts:

BeautifulDragon · 01/04/2022 18:54

Sounds like a nightmare!

Just my opinion, but I think it's nice for children to have their own day. Cake/ theme/ location of their choice, not having to compromise with a friend.

Original poster

Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 18:55

From another POV last year a mum from their class was handing out invites outside the school gates to her sons surprise garden party without him seeing. It was also a bloody surprise for all the kids as no one could tell their kids in fear their 5/6 year old mouths would blab! 😅 nightmare and not my thing!

OP posts:

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 18:56

Please don't do this to yourself (weeks or months of stress) or your dd (this will not be about her) you will be paying for their extended relative party list which will be huge, thanks to the costs being offset and you WILL end up doing everything dd's friend dreams of/wishes. Your dd will be relegated as an observer and the second rate party girl.

I am still cross with myself for allowing this to happen to us twice! First time I gave her the benefit of the doubt, second time....nope.
In my case the other mother was so busy with her own life and holidays this was an easy fix for her and she did next to nothing and was hungover on the day and drinking more wine in the kitchen to get through it. My dd hated it esp the second one which was worse than the first. You are also setting yourself up with the same problem for YEARS not just this one, extracting yourself from this kind of arrangement is very hard without ruffling feathers.

Let your dd design and enjoy her own party.
She won't have them forever. Try to keep them as far apart as possible to avoid comparisons.

Clymene · 01/04/2022 19:17

@Kabsy30

That's just bizarre. So many children won't want a party sprung on them as a last minute surprise.

It's obviously a thing where you live though - it's really not where I am. There's no way my autistic child could have coped with that

viques · 01/04/2022 19:22

And shared party, surprise party whatever party , each birthday child should have their own cake, because that’s the law. How else will there be left over birthday cake for a frazzled mother to take home and eat at half past ten……..

But I hope you have decided to keep the celebrations separate.

notanothertakeaway · 01/04/2022 19:31

Not a big fan of surprise parties for adults, but can't understand why anyone would suggest a surprise party for kids?!

Just say yes or no. And if it's a no, discus dates / themes and agree not to overlap/ compete

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2022 19:37

I think you have already listed so many reasons why this is not going to work, it would be better to cut your losses and just have a proper party for your DD just the way she likes it.

I gave up on joint parties when once I'd paid our share of an activity party, we ended up doing all the work and our DC wasn't mentioned on the invitations or thankyous she sent out. A lot of the parents didn't even realise it was my DC' s party to and yes. I was the mug who did the party bags.
So we basically facilitated and paid for her child's party.
Unless you really trust the other parent and everyone knows its a joint party I think you should go your own way.

Original poster

Kabsy30 · 01/04/2022 19:39

@Clymene thankfully not too much of a thing. Dd has had 4 parties this month and none were a surprise! But yes my son wouldn't either, he's autistic too and likes to plan or know everything until the last detail!

OP posts:

StatisticalDream · 01/04/2022 20:48

It sounds very complicated. It would stress me out. Just say you can't do a surprise party (or DD has requested a party of her own in case you don't want any joint party at all). I wouldn't like a surprise party either. Looking forward to their party is part of the fun for kids!!

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