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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this way about my ex-husband moving in with his girlfriend?

52 replies

NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 09:48

Hi everyone, NCed for this as it could be identifying with the rest of my posting history. I am a regular here.

My ex-husband (together 16 years, separated 3 years, divorced a year ago) has just told me he is moving in with his girlfriend of 2 years. I am really sad about it, because this is so unfair.

In our marriage I was the main provider, did everything for the DC and him, run the house, organized our social life, managed our money. He was essentially a passenger in our life, a funny manchild who never bothered to grow up properly. He used drugs, jumped from job to job (with periods of unemployment in between) and spent our money freely, while I was working my arse off to provide our DC with a good life. Eventually he announced he wanted to separate to "find himself" and left. We now share the DC 50/50, which still breaks my heart as I am missing out so much of their childhood. Upon divorce I had to give him half of everything we had, in spite of the fact that he did very little to contribute during the marriage beside spending our money on gadgets and drugs.

3 years later, he is in a happy relationship with a seemingly great woman who is 15 years younger than him (he is 47 and she is 32), smart, successful and beautiful. I have dated someone for a year but it didn't work out and we recently broke up, which probably contributes to making me feel so down about my ex moving in with his gf. The dating options for me as a 45 years old single woman don't seem great, based on what I see around me and the apps.

How is it fair that he gets to have a second chance at happiness with a great woman, maybe even have more DC and another family, when I am sad and alone after carrying him through life for so long? Why do certain men always seem to land on their feet no matter how little effort they put?

Please be kind with me, I know he has a right to move on but this feels so unfair

OP posts:

HeDidWhattt · 31/03/2022 09:52

That’s because it is unfair. It’s shit for you and you don’t deserve this.

It’s ok to be angry about it and feel shafted. As long as you don’t dwell on it or start letting those feelings affect your life.

But of course anyone would be angry and fucking pissed off in your situation.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 31/03/2022 09:54

He sounds like an absolute loser and you are well rid.

His new partner will get fed up of him too I'm sure. Who wants to date a 42 year old with such an unstable background.

He's set up his new life after sponging off yours.

I can see how it smarts, but don't concentrate on what he has and what you don't.

You're a strong woman and you will meet someone who deserves you and more importantly, respects you.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 31/03/2022 09:57

It's not fair, but she's now lumbered with a draggy manchild and you're free.

I'm absolutely sure you'll meet someone great in the future, but for now just enjoy getting rid and knowing he is someone else's problem.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 31/03/2022 09:58

*druggy

Darhon · 31/03/2022 10:00

I always worry about those age gaps. They often go much younger as older women will be wise to them. She’s also not had kids with him or him with her. So actually when the responsibility bites again, I wonder what she will think. I’m assuming you have slightly older kids and week on, week off? She’s also going to have a much older partner and this can also start to bite.

Anyway, get yourself back out there. Be good for your age, enjoy your week off from the kids and there will be someone else out there for you. Loads of older guys would prefer someone at the same life stage as them and most people are with people who are aged within 1-10 years of themselves because most people want commonality of life experiences and cultural reference points.

Also be proud that you provided for your kids and built a life.

Mindymomo · 31/03/2022 10:02

Life is cruel sometimes, but at least you are not having to support him anymore. No other advice from me, but sorry it must be hard knowing he’s moved on, I wonder if the new gf knows how lazy he is and whether she’s happy as she’s probably financially supporting him.

Original poster

NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 10:04

@Darhon

Also be proud that you provided for your kids and built a life.

She is childless and our DC are 10 and 12, week on/ week off. I wonder if at some point she will want her own DC with him and the potential emotional impact of that on my DC

OP posts:

crepesncream · 31/03/2022 10:05

You're well shut of him. It's understandable to feel sad but the new woman in his life will soon tire of him too. He's going to drift through life without purpose, because he won't suddenly change for his new girlfriend.

She'll soon tire of his lazy feckless ways. Where as you could easily meet a lovely man who's deserving of you. Don't be sad, be hopeful of a brighter future.

Original poster

NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 10:07

@Mindymomo

I can totally see why she would fall for him. At first he seems like a charming, well-traveled, adventurous, happy-go-lucky guy. He is so good at telling stories and charming people. I know it all too well!

It will take time for her to realise that there is very little substance behind the facade and by then she might be too invested to think rationally. I know that was the case for me many years ago.

OP posts:

muppamup · 31/03/2022 10:07

poor you OP. But you are well rid! Imagine he will treat her the same. Enjoy your new life without the sponger!!

MrsSpooner · 31/03/2022 10:12

Just wait until he’s parenting a toddler and a newborn in his early 50s….. rather him than me

Eachdaygoesby · 31/03/2022 10:16

Yeah, it's really hard but hold your head up high op, keep your own counsel and bide your time. Play the long game. Put your energy in to supporting your dc through this transition. It will be hard if your ex goes on to have DC with his new wife but that will also be the point at which she realises she has married a tosspot. Does he still take drugs? He might be able to behave and change his behaviour for a while but I doubt he'll be able to sustain it. Keep strong

Pinkpigs · 31/03/2022 10:19

Let him get on with it she will see his real side soon so all good let her have him you just need to look forward to getting on with what you can do for your self if they have or want children who cares they have to take care of them plus when your kids are grown up and doing There own thing his kids if they have any will still be around his feet feel blessed about your self

Shostaklovhich · 31/03/2022 10:21

It may seem unfair, and I totally see where you’re coming from, but he’s someone else’s man child to look after now. His new gf is going to find out for herself soon enough just how immature he is. You deserve better op. If anything you would have learned lots about yourself over the last 2 or 3 years and know what you are prepared to put up with in a man and in life in general. I’m the same age as you, been through a divorce a few years ago now and am loving single life at the moment. Not necessarily what I want forever but I know from my own experience marriage / partnerships are definitely not all they’re cracked up to be.

Pyewhacket · 31/03/2022 10:32

His new gf is going to find out for herself soon enough just how immature he is

..... she's been with him 2 years !.

maddening · 31/03/2022 10:41

Yes, but now she will be expected to carry out the childcare duties every other week, expect he has partied one week on one week off and she has her own place to carry on her own early 30s child free life, reality bites when that is curtailed and if he has not changed his spots (unlikely) he will gleefully have her doing a share of the childcare, and 50/50 is very different to eow.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/03/2022 10:44

It is unfair.

Men do seem to get to move on to new relationships more easily after a marriage, especially with kids, breaks down. Seems to be a pretty well established fact, and yes it is unfair. It’s not reflection on you as compared to him, it’s the way our patriarchal society works.

Don’t compare yourself to him. Compare your happiness now without having to carry a man who spent your money freely to how miserable you must have been with him.

Also, you should congratulate yourself for not having allowed another deadbeat scum into your life once you were rid of the last one. You aren’t desperate for any man at any price, you can be happy on your own.

The other unfortunate, unfair but realistic fact is that it’s much more dangerous for a woman to allow a new man into her children’s home that it is for a man to allow a new woman in. I would be very careful before moving a new man in at any stage before your children leave home. Again that’s unfair but that’s just facts.

VampireMoney · 31/03/2022 10:56

It is unfair OP, I totally get where you're coming from. I know I'm well rid of exh but seeing him now 2 years into a relationship and he's everything to her that he never was to me.. it hurts. I deserved that so why couldn't he give me it but he can give her it?

People also said oh he'll be just the same with her as he was with you or she'll soon find out what he's like, but it doesn't appear to be the case. It didn't help when someone also blithely told me well people change for the people they love! Well he was supposed to love me! We married, had DC, I was (I think) a pretty standard, normal, nice wife. And for that he cheated on me, and was abusive.

You ARE well rid, OP, but you're also allowed to hurt. Just as don't let it wreck your peace of mind.

blobby10 · 31/03/2022 11:09

@NameChangingCat I totally understand your feelings. I split with my H of 20 years in 2015 - divorced pretty quickly as it was all amicable. We even wrote the list of 'unreasonable behaviours' out together! He was my fourth child in a lot of ways although he did have a good job and did his best to share household chores. We both worked full time but he worked shifts so had loads of time on his own

He remarried in October 2019 and it totally floored me. He actually phoned me in the January to tell me he was engaged - which knocked me for six. I spend a lot of time wondering how I need to change to be good enough for someone new. When I'm not hormonal I can rationalise things and thank the heavens that his new wife has him to put up with his idiocy and not me!

Brefugee · 31/03/2022 11:18

Life is unfair, unfortunately, but you are well rid of him.

Upon divorce I had to give him half of everything we had, in spite of the fact that he did very little to contribute during the marriage beside spending our money on gadgets and drugs.

TBH, it's usually the other way round, but i don't think - in general - that sharing the marital assets is a bad thing. Are pre-nups legal in UK?

SartresSoul · 31/03/2022 11:21

He sounds like a total loser tbh so I wouldn’t be sad about losing him, I’d pity the new GF who now has to put up with him.

VampireMoney · 31/03/2022 11:21

I spend a lot of time wondering how I need to change to be good enough for someone new.

I did this for long enough after the split, kept myself awake at night wondering why I hadn't been good enough and what was so bad about me (he did a real number on my confidence and self esteem).

Took a couple of years but I came to the conclusion that whilst I'm far from perfect, I was a decent loving wife, a decent person in general, and I hadn't deserved any of what he put me through. And whilst there's always room for improvement, I really don't need to change to be deserving of a good man.

And then I decided I'd rather be on my own than start tying myself in knots again for a partner. It might not be like that again, but I'd rather not take the risk.

Original poster

NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 11:28

@Brefugee

Life is unfair, unfortunately, but you are well rid of him.

Upon divorce I had to give him half of everything we had, in spite of the fact that he did very little to contribute during the marriage beside spending our money on gadgets and drugs.

TBH, it's usually the other way round, but i don't think - in general - that sharing the marital assets is a bad thing. Are pre-nups legal in UK?

Of course in principle sharing marital assets is not a bad thing, but in our case he made minimum wage while fucking around easy jobs because he had no ambition, while I made 5 times his income. He certainly enjoyed the lifestyle that my job could provide, including au pairs, holidays, nice things, gadgets, expensive hobbies for him, while doing very little childcare.

In this specific situation, I resented giving him half of everything. However, the law is the law of course.

OP posts:

Jumperlark · 31/03/2022 11:30

Men like this always end up in age gap relationships as they've stalled at a younger age. His new GF may match him well now but she is going to continue growing and maturing and wanting more and that might be an issue.

I know it's hard but you can't compare yourselves now as the story hasn't been written yet. You don't know how he'll end up, it seems unlikely he will suddenly get his act together. Your focus can only be on making your own life look how you want it to, and you have greater skills to make that happen than he does as you are controlling your own life and he is probably acting the same way he always has.

SleeplessInEngland · 31/03/2022 11:30

Given the age gap I'm curious what she sees in him, though I suppose the OP also found him attractive once upon a time.

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