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Original poster

To feel this way about my ex-husband moving in with his girlfriend?

52 replies

NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 09:48

Hi everyone, NCed for this as it could be identifying with the rest of my posting history. I am a regular here.

My ex-husband (together 16 years, separated 3 years, divorced a year ago) has just told me he is moving in with his girlfriend of 2 years. I am really sad about it, because this is so unfair.

In our marriage I was the main provider, did everything for the DC and him, run the house, organized our social life, managed our money. He was essentially a passenger in our life, a funny manchild who never bothered to grow up properly. He used drugs, jumped from job to job (with periods of unemployment in between) and spent our money freely, while I was working my arse off to provide our DC with a good life. Eventually he announced he wanted to separate to "find himself" and left. We now share the DC 50/50, which still breaks my heart as I am missing out so much of their childhood. Upon divorce I had to give him half of everything we had, in spite of the fact that he did very little to contribute during the marriage beside spending our money on gadgets and drugs.

3 years later, he is in a happy relationship with a seemingly great woman who is 15 years younger than him (he is 47 and she is 32), smart, successful and beautiful. I have dated someone for a year but it didn't work out and we recently broke up, which probably contributes to making me feel so down about my ex moving in with his gf. The dating options for me as a 45 years old single woman don't seem great, based on what I see around me and the apps.

How is it fair that he gets to have a second chance at happiness with a great woman, maybe even have more DC and another family, when I am sad and alone after carrying him through life for so long? Why do certain men always seem to land on their feet no matter how little effort they put?

Please be kind with me, I know he has a right to move on but this feels so unfair Sad

OP posts:
crabbitmaw · 31/03/2022 11:38

My ex is very similar - goes from relationship to relationship. Its always golden to start with but once they move in together, it doesn't last much longer. That's when the shine starts to rub off and they learn that what was considered a quirk is actually just an annoying habit. Its when they start to see that actually he's a man child and they're taking on a maternal role rather than a partnership.

In one of my ex's relationship they got as far as having a child together. So thats another child in the world that he doesnt see or support.

Honestly, you need to breathe a sigh of relief that this is no longer your circus. Truth will out and by that time, you will be further along the path of healing and in a much better place.

They can only keep this pattern up for so long btw; their charm is not nearly as effective when they start to get old, grey, a bit chubby round the middle and a little bit skint. What once was considered charming and flirtatious becomes sleazy and smarmy to women in the age bracket that they prefer (because older women are wise to the tricks so younger is an easier target)

Londono · 31/03/2022 11:38

If it is any consolation, OP, I was the second wife of a man like that and we did go on to have two DC. We are now divorced and after the first flush of love I should have left him when the lovely charm wore off, but I didn't. His first wife is a lovely woman who has remarried and is very happy with her adult DC, meanwhile I cannot even get him to pay his way with even the basics such as school dinners.

These men do not change. And believe me, life will not be a bed of roses for her behind the scenes soon enough.

Pigsears · 31/03/2022 11:41

Yup.... the 50/50 thing money thing sucks.

Brefugee · 31/03/2022 11:49

In this specific situation, I resented giving him half of everything. However, the law is the law of course.

gosh yes, i completely agree.

Yup.... the 50/50 thing money thing sucks

but in general it protects women (on average the lower earner) especially those who have been a SAHM etc. So changes to the 50/50 rule shouldn't be taken lightly.

Natty13 · 31/03/2022 11:55

IMO people like that (lots of women too) do well because they put themselves first.

There's a huuuuuuge gap between being an absolute doormat martyr who can't say no to anyone and never puts herself first, and a selfish wanker who gets by in life walking over others. Everyone should be somewhere in the middle and that is where happiness will be found.

Far, far, far too many women on here are happy to be total doormats to crappy men. It's better to be single forever than with someone who is happy to sit back and watch you do 100% of the housework, childcare, organising and running the family life.

NdefH81 · 31/03/2022 11:59

Who instigated the separation?

NdefH81 · 31/03/2022 12:01

Sorry he did

On the basis of how terrible he was, why didn’t you? What were his redeeming features?

Momijin · 31/03/2022 12:03

Realistically though, he'll do the same to her as she did to you. Message her and warn her not to waste her childbearing years on him. He'll have fed her a pack of lies.

Original poster
NameChangingCat · 31/03/2022 12:05

@NdefH81

Sorry he did

On the basis of how terrible he was, why didn’t you? What were his redeeming features?

To be fair we had been talking about potentially separating for a while, but we kept deciding to try again and put more effort into the marriage. Until one day, seemingly out of the blue, he said he didn't want to try anymore and he was done.

I was unhappy with him but I would have tried anything to keep my DC's family together.

OP posts:
Puppyseahorse · 31/03/2022 12:10

Just because he’s in a relationship, doesn’t mean things are going perfectly for him.

I don’t mean this in a cruel way, but why did you let him behave in this way during your marriage?

NdefH81 · 31/03/2022 12:11

The divorce was completely the best thing for your children

Ipadflowers · 31/03/2022 12:11

I think you’re not over the fact it’s over to be honest, your comments on how it was, how you’d have done anything to stay with him etc indicates you are still struggling to accept it and him moving in with her I think shows it’s over for good and it’s harder to accept as you are single.

It’s been over for three years now, so I think maybe some therapy might help as his relationships are actually irrelevant. What’s relevant is your ability to move on, not focus on him and not compare your life to his.

redandyellowbits · 31/03/2022 12:23

@Londono

If it is any consolation, OP, I was the second wife of a man like that and we did go on to have two DC. We are now divorced and after the first flush of love I should have left him when the lovely charm wore off, but I didn't. His first wife is a lovely woman who has remarried and is very happy with her adult DC, meanwhile I cannot even get him to pay his way with even the basics such as school dinners.

These men do not change. And believe me, life will not be a bed of roses for her behind the scenes soon enough.

I was also the second wife of a man like this, and I had 3 DC with him, who all live with me and see through their feckless dad.

I am a similar age to you (47), exH is 48 and his new wife is possibly mid-late 20's (he won't tell us/DDs how old she is, and she doesn't speak any English)

Wife number 3 is now pregnant, and DC tell me they argue all the time, he talks down to her and treats her like crap. The cycle just continues no matter who these people are partnered up with, they are still intrinsically themselves.

I also feel angry that he gets to start a new family and welcome a beautiful new baby into his life, whilst I take care of the 3 he casually discards along the way. But I am so, so happy to no longer be the wife in that relationship.

It is a tough time for sure.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/03/2022 12:47

I'm sure it hurts op, but think about the long game here. She's smart, successful and beautiful you say. But quite young. Give her five years op, the scales will fall off and she'll be running for the hills.

I'm 46 and dating. No, I'm not remotely interested in 61 year old men. She won't be either.

ProudAlly · 31/03/2022 15:43

Yup, when she's 45 he'll be 60, with a rubbish pension and not much of a contribution to offer. The prospect of carrying the responsibility for that for the next 20 years will be quite grim.

You, on the other hand will be settled with a nice chap of your own age with an income that matches your own, and be contemplating where to travel to during your comfortable retirement.

And I'm someone in exactly that position who thought my life was over when H left me for a younger model in my 40s. Hang in there OP, karma is real.

2DogsOnMySofa · 31/03/2022 15:47

At the moment he'll be great fun. Got lots of money (off the back of your hard work), probably spending it at will, nice meals out, maybe holidays, the money will eventually run out and he'll become the lazy loser again that you know and don't love. Hopefully she'll get wise to it before she ties herself to him with a child or marriage.

He may seem like he's got it all sorted and happy, but he's still the same loser you divorced.

Drag0nFru2t · 31/03/2022 15:50

Stop wasting time & energy thinking about your ex

Spend time on yourself & your children

BoredZelda · 31/03/2022 16:14

... she's been with him 2 years !

OP married him and had kids with him. I’m sure if his issues were immediate apparent, she wouldn’t have done that.

KarmaStar · 31/03/2022 16:16

Op,she will soon see him for the cock lodger he is.
If you think you're going to remain alone,you probably will,if you think you'll meet the right person for you,you probably will.
Forget what you think he's enjoying and concentrate on your life and finding the happiness you so deserve.💐

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 31/03/2022 16:20

I really hope this doesn't come across wrong because I genuinely don't mean it to but your heart was huge and you obviously loved him but at the same time you wasted life on him, so of course its not fair on you but now you need to live for you ! I think it's reasonable to be pissed but it also sounds like you aren’t allowing yourself to live or hope and I think this is where the real problem is. Don't write your life off sit down and work out what you want and build it!!

dottydodah · 31/03/2022 17:19

I think you are hurting still .Maybe some Counselling may help ? Mum always used to say "Lifes not Fair, thats how it is" and its sadly true,I dont know why but some men seem to be like your DH, Cruising along with you ,getting half of what they dont deserve and then checking out with a younger woman! I think his young GF will tire of him in time .However whether she does or not ,you need to be looking ahead .A Partner is not the be all and end all .Concentrate on yourself and DC for now .If you meet someone all well and good, if not still have a good time .Make plans for your week with DC and on child free weeks see friends ,take up a hobby whatever .At least you are free of the manchild!

Momicrone · 31/03/2022 17:26

Life isn't fair? new girl has the shitty end of the deal, you just can't see it yet, but one day you will

NdefH81 · 31/03/2022 17:37

* was unhappy with him but I would have tried anything to keep my DC's family together.*

As a single parent
Sentiments like this genuinely baffle me
You thought it was better to stay with a man who took drugs, spent money without thought and neither of you were happy

For your children?

Original poster
NameChangingCat · 01/04/2022 11:12

@NdefH81

* was unhappy with him but I would have tried anything to keep my DC's family together.*

As a single parent
Sentiments like this genuinely baffle me
You thought it was better to stay with a man who took drugs, spent money without thought and neither of you were happy

For your children?

It is easy to look back now and analyze things, hindsight is 20/20 but at the time I couldn't see things this clearly.

He used drugs recreationally every once in a while and never when the kids were around, so I convinced myself that it didn't matter that much.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangingCat · 01/04/2022 11:13

@dottydodah

I think you are hurting still .Maybe some Counselling may help ? Mum always used to say "Lifes not Fair, thats how it is" and its sadly true,I dont know why but some men seem to be like your DH, Cruising along with you ,getting half of what they dont deserve and then checking out with a younger woman! I think his young GF will tire of him in time .However whether she does or not ,you need to be looking ahead .A Partner is not the be all and end all .Concentrate on yourself and DC for now .If you meet someone all well and good, if not still have a good time .Make plans for your week with DC and on child free weeks see friends ,take up a hobby whatever .At least you are free of the manchild!
I have done a lot of counseling which has helped a lot, but some days I still feel down about the loss of my family unit and all the hopes I had for the future.
OP posts:
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