Does this sound right? Therapy

[shadows26]

I’ve posted already about how I am suffering from anxiety and relationship OCD. Long story I’ve begun behaviours that I’m ashamed of, and that aren’t like me - for example I seek constant reassurance asking if he still loves me. I overanalyse everything, I constantly read old texts and compare them to to now.
I have spoken to him a lot about this and he said that, in all honesty, he has used a lot of energy making sure I’m okay. But he said it doesn’t change his feelings for me, that he will always be there for me. I just spend so much time ruminating and comparing. I worry that my anxiety has had an effect that’ll make him resent me in the long run.

Anyway last night I had my first private therapy session. I spoke about this in detail and he was quite frank, saying I’ll lose him if I carry on, and that it’ll become a scenario where I’ll look like a bit of a mug always being available and pining over him. Fair enough, I thought.

He then said about being mean, keeping them keen - he said not in a game playing way but sometimes I should shock him by saying I’m not free, or finishing some plans early. I agreed with this in the sense that I should have my own space sometimes, but I explained that I understand but I worry a lot when I’m not with him and I don’t know how to stop it.

We then went through a technique (can’t remember the name) where I had to repeat some things to change the “files” in my brain. For example I’d repeat things like “I will see him on Saturday, I will have a really nice time. He will offer to come round after, I will say I’ll have an evening to myself but I’ll see you Monday. I will feel good about it” various times.

Now I’ve woken up feeling confused and feeling like I need to distance myself and I’m struggling. Does this sound about right for therapy?

Bump

No. This guy sounds pretty unprofessional tbh. It's the bit about treating them mean that makes me think that. It's not a good idea to play games with people like that and any therapist who is qualified should know this.

I'd find someone else, honestly. I really can't imagine my therapist saying anything like that. Or telling me what to do in such a way either.

Sounds like you have a lot to process and some dysfunctional thinking to learn about and reprogram. Therapists are like shoes, if they don't fit you are not going to walk far. However, usually when you decide to see a therapist you are bravely , and in a safe space , going to open a can of worms, It can make you feel uncomfortable before you start feeling better.
So, I would say give this therapist a few more sessions, feel free to discuss with him the directions you want to go in and what you are trying to achieve, and well done you for going!

He said he didn’t mean it in terms of playing games and I actually did understand the point about not being available 24/7, I thought this myself and thought to step back a little bit.

But me and my boyfriend have always just seen each other when we wanted to, he’s very loving etc. I just felt a bit uncomfortable feeling like I should distance myself and I don’t want things to go wrong if he feels I’m distancing myself/we’re growing apart etc

No. What kind of therapy is he supposed to be offering? Who is he registered with?

I would personally say (after seeing many therapists over the course of my life) that if it doesn't feel like a good match after the first session, it's probably not a good match. There's no need to try to stick it out just for the sake of, unless he is your only option right now. It's true that therapy can (and probably should) make you uncomfortable at times and to question your own thoughts and actions, but imo that should come as you get down to the work - not at your initial meet up with a therapist.

I don’t think that sounds like good therapy. The fact that you’ve woken up confused shows that your awareness and strategies aren’t aligned.
The awareness has to come first and it needs to come through your own exploration of the issues. He shouldn’t be telling you anything like he has done and especially not in the first session.

I think that's good advice

I think he phrased what he was trying to do really badly. Being always available means that you put your life on hold. Your partner will pick up on this and the relationship becomes imbalanced. What your therapist is trying to do is give you practical ways to manage this so that you can continue to enjoy your life without constantly overanalysing every word and phrase.

I went to a hypnotherapist for something very similar and she was amazing and it really helped. But the big thing is...why have you started to think and feel this way? Has this been a pattern in previous relationships (in which case it is something you need to work on) or is it just this relationship, in which case, why? Do you feel like he is "the one" or is it his behaviour? Is he .... subtly or not....the one "treating you mean to keep you keen" as some sort of power trip or neediness on his part?
Relationships can be hard work at times but it shouldn't be all the time. Your therapist shouldn't be telling you what to do when in the way that he did, but start building up your confidence in yourself so that you can stop obsessing over the details and start enjoying your life as you and your partner should embrace that...and when you feel that you can say "sorry want am early night tonight/ have plans with friends tonight" etc he will accept that and you will be calm about it. It takes time and don't be hard on yourself.

No that's not right. Those are the sort of bullshit games teenage girls play, they are not techniques that should be promoted by professional therapists.

You say this is "private therapy" - does this mean a private healthcare provider like BUPA, or have you just Googled "cheap therapist" and picked someone? I would urge you to be very careful about whether you see this "therapist" again, and you should certainly demand to see his qualifications and find out which professional bodies he is a member of.

We then went through a technique (can’t remember the name) where I had to repeat some things to change the “files” in my brain. For example I’d repeat things like “I will see him on Saturday, I will have a really nice time. He will offer to come round after, I will say I’ll have an evening to myself but I’ll see you Monday. I will feel good about it” various times.

The technique of reaffirming something is a valid one, it takes positive action over several months to unlearn a bad habit and replace it with a good one, but the actual example he's given you is a terrible one. It's very much "game playing" territory, feigning indifference in the belief that your unavailability will make you more appealing. It's really terrible advice.

What a good therapist would focus on is changing you. You can't necessarily alter other people and how they behave towards you, but you can alter your own behaviour and beliefs so that in time others will perceive you more positively. A good therapist would help you get to the bottom of your struggles and find strategies that help you to deal with them positively.

I can't stress this enough, your therapist sounds unprofessional and unqualified.

I wonder if it was based on your own anxiety?
It's common to ask people within therapy to push out of their comfort zones

This might be something I can see being recommend if for example you said that you get anxious that if you don't seem him, then he won't love you and will leave you or that you struggle with boundaries or being left alone. It might be about challenging your beliefs rather than to do with "keeping him keen"

It's common in ocd for example to ask people to delay to engaging in a compulsion to see how it feels, and to challenge the thinking of "this consequence (usually something drastic) will happen if I don't do this act"

I agree with the above though that if it doesn't feel like a good fit then it'd okay to see someone different

Doesn’t sound right because he’s somehow made it all about your partner. Rather than about your OCD and unpicking that. I’d look for a new one.

In your opening post you mention "finishing plans early". Does that mean that if you are doing something else & your boyfriend wants to see you, you drop the other things and go along with him? Do you feel that you always have to be available?

Honestly, it sounds like he's trying to help you rewire your brain to see that if you aren't the perfect, always available girlfriend, it doesn't mean that your boyfriend won't care about you. I had a similar issue with crippling fear of getting things wrong at work. It got to the point that I would spend 2 hours doing tasks that should take 5 minutes because I was so afraid. One thing my therapist encouraged me to do was to deliberately make a couple of small errors so that I could learn that the world doesn't end. I think he is trying a similar approach, although he hasn't explained it well.

We spoke through my past relationships and my parents damaged relationship too. I understand why I have such a “needy” tendency.

In all honestly, my boyfriend is amazing. He’s so patient with me, and he always supports me if I ever said I need a night in to myself eg “you deserve a rest hope you have a great night can’t wait to see you tomorrow” etc etc. I’ve never once felt like he tries to gain power if that makes sense.

He’s quite big on having our own time but also has never cancelled on me and sees me because he wants to. I understand I need to enjoy my own time and not rely on him but I just feel uncomfortable purposely distancing myself and “shocking” him? I feel I just need strategies to worry less when I’m not with him?

This doesn't sound helpful at all. He should be helping you to focus on where these feelings of insecurity and anxiety are coming from, rather than forcing you to behave in this very choreographed way.

Have you thought about seeing a couples therapist? Working on communication and having some validation about what you're doing well might be really reassuring for you and good for your partner as well.

@witheringrowan by that he meant I don’t always have to say yes to staying round after we go out for dinner, for example

Therapy does tend to churn you up to start with, so I wouldn’t worry about it on that score.

I can see where he’s coming from, that if you aren’t 100% available at his beck and call, you’ll see that he’s still interested in you, which might hopefully in time help you feel less anxious. I think this is a fair enough way to go about it, as long as he’s also working with you on getting to the bottom of why you feel anxious.

I think you should give him another few weeks, see where it goes. Truthfully, if you give up every therapist because a session makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably won’t get further than the first session with anybody worth seeing.

He's creepy and bonkers. YOU should be the focus of therapy!

You: I feel insecure and unlovable.

Therapist: Lie to your boyfriend in order to gain control.

You: Yeah um, don't really want to play games.

Therapist: It's not about playing games it's about KEEPING YOUR MAN.

What? No. Trust your instincts.

I think it totally depends on wether he suggested it as either

A) You need to treat them mean keep them keen in order to keep your boyfriend interested, and as a way of giving crappy dating advice

Or

B) discussions about how to build some boundaries, feel comfortable implement them, challenge feelings of abandonment by not automatically doing the soothing behaviour (spending time with boyfriend), build some self soothing skills, build independence and challenge irrational thoughts eg. If I don't go round then he won't love me

It totally depends on if it was about treating your thought process or giving you magazine dating advice

I've certainly had therapy where they've encouraged me to be unavailable

I had a dodgy relationship with my mum where I spent a lot of time seeking reassurance and being at her beck and call

We did a lot of work on encouraging me to not always respond to calls instantly because I'd get a lot of anxiety that if I didn't I would be letting her down, be a bad daughter etc and she'd hate me

I was also encouraged to see what it felt like if I said no to helping in certain tasks(even in circumstances where I could have said yes), so I could see that nothing awful happened and see how I reacted

I hadn't really realised how anxious I was about responding perfectly, being available etc

I have OCD and I would say, therapy can come in many forms. From my therapy experience - therapists never tell me what to do. The idea is they are retraining your brain. They ask you questions and you come up with the answers and the ideas for different behaviours - and because its done this way you have more motivation and ownership.
BUT and its a big BUT.
The only exception to this is CBT. I have never heard of relationship OCD; but if you are having bog standard CBT for your OCD then then the idea of CBT in general is you make a list and challenge your behaviours on that list. Have you and the therapist made a list of relationship behaviours you want to challenge? Maybe that is why he is giving you the advice he is giving you.
I would have one more session with him and then decide.

I understand the point of not always being available. But it that should be about increasing your stress tolerance and for you to realise that it’s not the end of the world if you’re not with him for a few hours. It should absolutely not be about shocking him or treat em mean bollocks. And also, suggestions like that should really come from you.

I'm a therapist. No this sounds inappropriate and unprofessional. It this person accredited with an organisation like the HCPC/BACP/BABCP? I wouldn't return. Please find yourself an accredited therapist.

If you are doubting the therapist then I'd say it's not a good fit for you.
I don't think he sounds very professional, it's a worry how many bad therapists there are out there.

Sounds a bit like NLP or something. I wouldn’t recommend it.

If it’s OCD then you should be seeing a CBT therapist, you can approach your local IAPT service for this which will be free but with waiting lists.

If you want private look for someone who is BABCP accredited.