Does this sound right? Therapy

[shadows26]

I’ve posted already about how I am suffering from anxiety and relationship OCD. Long story I’ve begun behaviours that I’m ashamed of, and that aren’t like me - for example I seek constant reassurance asking if he still loves me. I overanalyse everything, I constantly read old texts and compare them to to now.
I have spoken to him a lot about this and he said that, in all honesty, he has used a lot of energy making sure I’m okay. But he said it doesn’t change his feelings for me, that he will always be there for me. I just spend so much time ruminating and comparing. I worry that my anxiety has had an effect that’ll make him resent me in the long run.

Anyway last night I had my first private therapy session. I spoke about this in detail and he was quite frank, saying I’ll lose him if I carry on, and that it’ll become a scenario where I’ll look like a bit of a mug always being available and pining over him. Fair enough, I thought.

He then said about being mean, keeping them keen - he said not in a game playing way but sometimes I should shock him by saying I’m not free, or finishing some plans early. I agreed with this in the sense that I should have my own space sometimes, but I explained that I understand but I worry a lot when I’m not with him and I don’t know how to stop it.

We then went through a technique (can’t remember the name) where I had to repeat some things to change the “files” in my brain. For example I’d repeat things like “I will see him on Saturday, I will have a really nice time. He will offer to come round after, I will say I’ll have an evening to myself but I’ll see you Monday. I will feel good about it” various times.

Now I’ve woken up feeling confused and feeling like I need to distance myself and I’m struggling. Does this sound about right for therapy?

He sounds unprofessional. Now, I'm not a professional therapist but I am a life coach (I know, very different). I would never tell you what I think you should be doing. Instead, I'll listen, ask questions, do a few exercises and let you find the answers yourself instead. Don't go back to him op.

Find a new therapist. I'm a therapist and this is sending up a huge red flag for me.

He gave an anecdote about another client who was thinking about splitting up with his gf because she was needy and it was draining (fair enough). But apparently she then became less available, doing her own thing and he got the shock of his life. Started chasing her all over again and now they’re better than ever.

Me and my boyfriend are very much we want to see each other so we do - no rule following. I do agree to an extent that I need boundaries and maybe to not be available all the time but yeah

I am a therapist too and this sounds like CBT or NLP. I work in a different way, exploring client's thoughts and feelings and patterns of behaviour. Then we work together to find a way forward. All ideas and changes are theirs, not mine. Sounds like this guy is not a good fit. I would opt for a Humanistic counsellor. The BACP website can help with this.

It sounds like he is adding an experimental twist to therapy rather than following established protocol. It may be an opening technique to get you in the zone or it may be simply the wrong style/therapist for you. I think that clients usually try out a few before finding the one. That is why it is perfectly fine to do a trial session (usually free) before making a decision, rather than being expected to sign up beforehand. A good psychologist/psychotherapist would not object to this.

@LittleSnakes

Doesn’t sound right because he’s somehow made it all about your partner. Rather than about your OCD and unpicking that. I’d look for a new one.

I thought that too.

He's not helping you explore why you behave the way you do and helping you find ways to change your thought processes and deal with all those negative emotions. He shouldn't be concentrating on ways to keep this relationship going and how to keep bf happy. If anything this therapist should be looking at the wider picture and helping you become an independant woman, without or without this relationship. He sounds very unprofessional and I would change. Maybe a woman therapist would suit you better.

@shadows26

He gave an anecdote about another client who was thinking about splitting up with his gf because she was needy and it was draining (fair enough). But apparently she then became less available, doing her own thing and he got the shock of his life. Started chasing her all over again and now they’re better than ever.

Me and my boyfriend are very much we want to see each other so we do - no rule following. I do agree to an extent that I need boundaries and maybe to not be available all the time but yeah

No, no. no. Why on earth is he behaving like a weird marriage counsellor? Is he a marriage counsellor rather than a therapist?

Well your last post is even more weird. Why on earth would he be discussing other clients? Just coz that technique worked for her, doesn’t mean it has any relevance to your life. You’re different people.

What?

So you haven't brought up that, e.g., you sometimes want time to yourself but are afraid to ask.

He's really giving you "How to keep your man" advice, complete with manipulation tactics ?

He's weird and misogynist.

He's being a bit clumsy.

He's pushing you but that shouldn't be the very first session. A lot of groundwork needs to be covered first and also a period of trust building. Exploring your motivation to change where you sit in the motivational cycle should be explored first.

This is some merit in saying no to meeting with your partner however he should be included in this process. I have had to push myself and make myself uncomfortable but I had included my partner by letting him know that it wasn't a rejection of him but that I needed to practise being ok and moving through my anxiety if separation. He understood and whilst there was physical distance emotionally we were still connected. It's not right to do it without informing him what you are doing.

Therapy should be challenging but it does sound like he's chucked you in the deep end when really there's a lot of groundwork to do first including working on techniques for when you arent with your partner and are looking for reassurance.

It's entirely up to you but you could point out that it's too soon or perhaps find someone else who better understand pacing and your specific difficulties.

Me and my boyfriend are very much we want to see each other so we do - no rule following. I do agree to an extent that I need boundaries and maybe to not be available all the time but yeah

You’re right about setting boundaries but as far as not being available all the time, that’s something you need to explore. It’s not about being unavailable for the sake of it but of having different priorities sometimes and having a fulfilling life with events and activities that are independent of your relationship. It’s more about building yourself and your self esteem.

It doesn't sound like this therapist is right for you. You need to gel with your therapist to build trust so that you get the best out of it. From what you have described he sounds a bit blunt and aggressive for you. Try another one (registered) to find a better fit. Good luck.

You haven’t said what kind of therapy it is meant to be, whether he is registered or how you found him. This is all really important.

There’s www.bacp.co.uk/ and www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

You’ve got to do your homework in choosing a therapist to ensure (as much as you can) that it is a safe experience.

This seems like a very particular approach, that will maybe irritate away at parts of you. That could be productive but it seems to get channelled into the same direction as the OCD overthinking from how you have described it.

Your behaviours seem to be constant comparison, reassurance seeking (just from your partner because there is a huge focus on him). Ideally you would like to change these, as making your partner behave in exactly the way you hope is not really feasible, and presumably you know it keeps on restricting your own life and activity.

He's 'named your fears' by saying that partner will leave you and you will look like a mug because you will pine over him and he won't then be reciprocating. His suggestions to start putting some barriers around your time and energy then felt to you like game playing, and as if the therapist didn't 'get' your description of your relationship because his view of your partner doesn't loom as large as it does for you.

I think you want to distance yourself because of the challenge to how you would usually react. I think it is worth sitting with the session a bit longer and trying a non-risky bit of that advice (NB many sessions will have quite an aftermath, no matter who you end up seeing longer- term). However, do be prepared to try initial sessions with somebody else if you don't consider it helpful. Despite CBT often having good effects on breaking patterns as long as you are disciplined and practice it, it always feels so formulaic to me, a bit like another for the conveyor belt, and without a lot of heart. And discipline in the end is like a battery: it can run down.

My perception, after 20 years of therapy, is that this is deeply disturbing.

It appears that so far the therapists on this thread are advising you to find someone else.

It sounds to me as if he had his own agenda/ theory and you're a guinea pig.

Please find someone else.

Thank you all!

I think I already know that healthy relationships have boundaries and own space etc. My anxiety/OCD makes me freak out about spending time apart and I KNOW this isn’t right. I think I just need to retrain my brain to achieve better self esteem and more comfort when things aren’t necessarily explicit or were not spending time together rather than dating advice if that makes sense

Are you having conventional talking therapy or CBT?

As this sounds more like cut and reprogramming your brain

If you do have an obsessional/anxiety disorder regarding your partner, then I can certainly see why it would be helpful for you to regain a little bit of control and get more comfortable with being apart from him. If your partner says 'I can't come round tonight' or 'I could do with an evening to myself this week' I'm guessing that this makes you anxious and worried and that you start to question yourself? But if you can learn to say those things to him, you won't worry so much when he says them to you - if that makes sense?!

So in a way, the actual practical thing you've been asked to do is something that could be potentially helpful ... but what I do think is a bit weird is the context that that the therapist has put it into. The problem you want to solve is essentially 'How can I manage my obsession and anxiety, which I know are irrational and which are making me miserable' - and the whole 'treat 'em mean keep 'em keen' has absolutely nothing to do with that. You didn't go to this man for relationship counselling, you went to him to address your own issues. He should be focusing on you and your obsessions/anxieties, not on giving you bloody dating advice!

That doesn’t sound right (I’m a therapist), I can understand asking you to do the opposite of what your OCD urge tells you do and to consider the longer term impact on a relationship if things don’t change but the rationale he’s given sounds suspect and quite cruel. Also that you’re doing active work in the first appointment is suspect.

The first appointment/assessment should be about information gathering and getting some therapy goals, the second session (first therapy session) is about formulating the problem so making a bit of a map for therapy of what’s going on, the specific factors you’ll work on, identifying the underlying meaning of your intrusions/doubts etc. and the maintaining role of the unhelpful behaviours you do as a result, the third session is usually around consolidating the formulation and making something called a Theory A/Theory B which is helping you to identify an alternative theory to work towards and then from session 4 onwards you’d start more active work on making changes e.g to behaviours, thoughts. For OCD the key intervention is ERP (exposure response prevention). Was any of the above mentioned at all?

If none of the above sounds familiar then check they’re registered here by putting their surname into the accreditation check www.cbtregisteruk.com/

I should caveat the above by saying I’m referring to a CBT approach

Therapist sounds dodgy, trust your instincts.

Thank you all, I think I’ll be on the hunt for a new therapist