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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to get his priorities straight?

47 replies

Newmumfeb22 · 31/03/2022 02:05

Partner and I have just had our first child who is 6 weeks old. Partner is good with the baby when he is with her although I have had a few outbursts in order to get him to help.
He is self employed but generally works 7-4

Partner plays football on a Wednesday evening which I don’t mind - he goes straight from work to his mum & dads to visit then football and then gets back around 9pm.’

On the weekend he used to play golf on Saturday 7am to 10am then Sunday 7am until 2/3pm by time he had a drink after.

He bought some kind of season ticket for football matches in London - the past few weekends and the coming weekend he has bought tickets to see them - he also went the Tuesday just gone - leaving work early and didn’t get back until 11:30pm

Next week he has scheduled a trip away “with the boys” playing golf Thursday until Saturday - he will come home Saturday and then go straight to a football game which is around an hour away - he will be drinking at this so he won’t be able to help with the baby when he gets back - again will play golf on the Sunday 7-3.

He complains all the time he is tired yet I am breast feeding and he is sleeping through it all.
on the days he hasn’t got anything booked he will come in from work later - and expect me to have cooked a meal for him. When I spoke to him about helping more with the baby he said he is tired and he will stay home with the baby and I will go to work and we will live off my salary (considerably a lot less)

He is talking about booking a trip away to Germany for the football.

I don’t know - I just feel like I am in this alone. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to help more / spend more time with us?

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 31/03/2022 02:15

Congrats on the baby!!

Sending strength to you for the inevitable uphill battle to get things to a better place. Lots of women don’t mind their OH carrying on with whatever once babies arrive. I’m not personally one of those women and I don’t think you need to be either.

Maternity leave is lonely and confusing and I’d have fallen apart if DH was out as much as your OH. And even just from a MH perspective, completely ignoring the logistics of looking after a baby.

He just sounded inconsiderate until you said the bit about him saying he’d stay off with the baby/you’d go to work. That’s a straight up asshole comment.

Febrier · 31/03/2022 02:15

YANBU but there’s not much you can do to force him to parent if he doesn’t want to.

HirplesWithHaggis · 31/03/2022 02:16

You know you are not being unreasonable. What does he contribute to your family?

Danikm151 · 31/03/2022 02:16

He’s tired because he’s making a mega effort to stay away and avoid helping with baby.

Tell him he can take baby to the golf, she’ll be happy in a carrier- he’ll soon change his tune

Amei · 31/03/2022 02:22

I feel your pain... my bf goes to football four nights a week, and when he dies 'help' with the baby he just seems to put him down until he cries so I have to pick him back up.

I don't think they realise how exhausting it is looking after a baby 24/7 xx

Amei · 31/03/2022 02:22

*does not dies Blush

GiraffesInScarfs · 31/03/2022 03:18

Why are you putting up with this? Where is your time for yourself? Utterly ridiculous. Tell him to do his 50% or leave.

Ragwort · 31/03/2022 03:35

What do you think will happen if you ask him 'to get his priorities straight'? Do you honestly think he's going to say 'sorry dear, I'll give up my football and nights with the lads'.

My DH is a keen sports person but he very much wanted to be a father, without any discussion he knew that he would need to massively cut back (not cut out) his activities to devote time to being a Dad - and to giving me time away from our DC to enable me to have a break.

Your DH is showing you what he thinks is most important in his life Sad.

Philisophigal · 31/03/2022 07:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 07:14

Yeah he needs to sort hit shit out and you need to tell him so.

Guarantee he'll say "I feel like a spare part because you do everything" so prepare your response to that.

gonnascreamsoon · 31/03/2022 07:14

You need to have a long talk with him about the fact that he is now a Father, and better start acting like one, instead of acting like some footloose free lad of 19 ffs !

He has a choice. He either steps up and devotes his time and energy to being a partner and Father, or he leaves, because at the moment, all he does is make your life harder !

50% means making sure you get the SAME amount of 'me time' as HE does.
50% means he does things like laundry, shopping, housework and cooking (because he can't do the breastfeeding and night feeds etc).
50% means he doesn't have the bloody time to keep up with 'the lads' anymore, so he's going to need to drastically reduce his leisure activities ffs !

He has a choice to make, either change his lifestyle completely (like YOU have had to) because he's a parent, or leave and he can take care of his child by himself when he gets contact visits......

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2022 07:15

What’s the point of him? He’s not bothered with you or with being a dad; doesn’t seem like he’s going to change his priorities. Work out where you can live as a single parent because he’s a waste of space

DockOTheBay · 31/03/2022 07:20

Obviously YANBU. What would be his response if you said he needed to come straight home from work because you're going out for drinks with the girls and won't be home until 10pm, babys milk is in the fridge?

Madamecastafiore · 31/03/2022 07:26

DS is 17 now but your story sounds like the first 15 months of his little life. I eventually told DH that I was going to leave him, I'd at least get every other weekend off and he'd be forced to actually spend some time with his son.

You need to think about you and your child, think about what you want from a relationship and what sort of relationship you want your child growing up experiencing.

His attitude is disgusting. You're a team, it's not that he gets to do what he wants because he earns a wage and you're a SAHM, speak to his parents if you think that will help but draw a very firm line in the sand and make him aware that this is not something that you're going to put up with.

FWIW DH is embarrassed at his behaviour in the first year of DSs life and wishes he could go back and be supportive. Hopefully you'll be able to get through to your H and you won't end up separating but with his attitude it's really not something that you can put up with going forward, for your sanity and being able to show your DC what a good healthy relationship is.

WhenDovesFly · 31/03/2022 07:39

My husband was like this all through the growing up years of my DDs. Every Saturday and Sunday he'd be golf for hours on end. When he got home he'd fall asleep on the sofa and was no help at all. I finally left him last year. Wish I'd done it years earlier.

Momicrone · 31/03/2022 07:42

Yet another thread about fathers needing to spend time on their hobbies with their mates, selfish feckers, don't have kids and expect life to stay the same

Dishwashersaurous · 31/03/2022 07:44

What do you agree about sport and other priorities before conceiving?

How did you agree things would work? What role did he want in parenting?

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 07:45

@Dishwashersaurous

What do you agree about sport and other priorities before conceiving?

How did you agree things would work? What role did he want in parenting?

He's choosing to be a parent. He doesn't get to dictate 'what role he wants' ffs
Theunamedcat · 31/03/2022 07:46

So you ask him to step up he then says you can go back to work he will take care of the baby? Tell him great but because your wages are so low he needs to make cutbacks starting with his social life....

Whatabambam · 31/03/2022 07:49

Jesus, his sense of entitlement is limitless. He chose to have a baby with you, then removes himself from all parental responsibilities or family life and when you try to find a solution, he hijacks the conversation by threatening to give up work. What a charmer. You can do so much better than this.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/03/2022 07:50

Slightly badly worded by me. But if they had discussed having children and he said that he didn't want to. But then they agreed that they would have a baby but she would do majority childcare that's one situation.

If they both excitedly agreed to have a child and that was their priority and their lives would change immeasurably. And then they had worked out how it would work, and he's now renegades on everything. That's a slightly different scenario

ReeseWitherfork · 31/03/2022 07:51

@Dishwashersaurous

What do you agree about sport and other priorities before conceiving?

How did you agree things would work? What role did he want in parenting?

What does that matter? Even if they’d (bizarrely) had a completely pragmatic conversation about the specifics and made an agreement about how he would be involved, he doesn’t have to honour that now. There’s little point analysing whether OP should have known he would be a shit father.
theqentity · 31/03/2022 07:52

Some men genuinely don't understand that football isn't actually that important. I don't know if it's because they're entitled, stupid or both. My BiL plans his life around Liverpool matches. Fucking ridiculous.

AllOfUsAreDead · 31/03/2022 07:55

He's not tired, he manages to go play football every week and play golf on the weekend plus other crap.

Call his bluff on the changing jobs. Work out if you can afford it if he stops his hobbies and you cut back on other stuff. Then show him the proof that you can afford it and tell him to quit his job, he can be the sahp. He'll show his real attitude then of its all your job not his.

Simply put op, he is a knob and you are a single parent. Whether you keep him for his money is up to you, I'd be tempted to until I could get myself a better paying job then I'd leave. He's happy to use you as childcare why not use him as a bank?

TiddleyWink · 31/03/2022 07:59

This won’t improve. Leave him. Why on earth do so many women facilitate men having the nice bits of a family while continuing to live their nice pre kids life full of hobbies and rest time? Gather your self respect and see yourself as worthy of more than facilitating his nice life. Stop making these pathetic men’s’ lives so comfortable and easy!