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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to get his priorities straight?

47 replies

Newmumfeb22 · 31/03/2022 02:05

Partner and I have just had our first child who is 6 weeks old. Partner is good with the baby when he is with her although I have had a few outbursts in order to get him to help.
He is self employed but generally works 7-4

Partner plays football on a Wednesday evening which I don’t mind - he goes straight from work to his mum & dads to visit then football and then gets back around 9pm.’

On the weekend he used to play golf on Saturday 7am to 10am then Sunday 7am until 2/3pm by time he had a drink after.

He bought some kind of season ticket for football matches in London - the past few weekends and the coming weekend he has bought tickets to see them - he also went the Tuesday just gone - leaving work early and didn’t get back until 11:30pm

Next week he has scheduled a trip away “with the boys” playing golf Thursday until Saturday - he will come home Saturday and then go straight to a football game which is around an hour away - he will be drinking at this so he won’t be able to help with the baby when he gets back - again will play golf on the Sunday 7-3.

He complains all the time he is tired yet I am breast feeding and he is sleeping through it all.
on the days he hasn’t got anything booked he will come in from work later - and expect me to have cooked a meal for him. When I spoke to him about helping more with the baby he said he is tired and he will stay home with the baby and I will go to work and we will live off my salary (considerably a lot less)

He is talking about booking a trip away to Germany for the football.

I don’t know - I just feel like I am in this alone. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to help more / spend more time with us?

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 31/03/2022 08:00

Does he agree that all childcare/chores should be shared 50:50 for all evenings and weekends?

Or does he think that mat leave means you're responsible for 100% of the baby stuff (and since you're home all day, you can get all the house work done too)?

theqentity · 31/03/2022 08:00

I'd lob his golf clubs in the sea, tbh.

Momicrone · 31/03/2022 08:01

I never understand why people get so obsessive about football etc

theqentity · 31/03/2022 08:01

@Momicrone

I never understand why people get so obsessive about football etc

Easier than reading a book I suppose.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 08:08

Obviously YANBU OP but I can't see him changing his ways, he sounds like he's from the 1950s. This is not how it should be but I don't think you'll get a decent coparent out of this arsehole. I couldn't stay.

Herejustforthisone · 31/03/2022 08:33

I feel very sorry for any woman having to deal with these selfish, useless men, who put their own wants ahead of everything else. It seems there’s so many of them.

Underfrighter · 31/03/2022 08:45

My husband did a hobby a couple of times a week, he gave it up for the first few months after the birth and then actually replaced it with a more flexible and quicker hobby that he could fit around the kids after.

Looking after a young baby is very hard work, and any time he isn't at work he should be doing his share. Not 'helping' but doing his entire half of looking after his own child. I ebf but my husband used to do bath time, nappies, and go out lots of walks etc.

I don't think you realise how bad this is, it's one of the most extreme cases of shit new dads that I've seen on here. What exactly was the point in having a child if he isnt going to see them? Why have a partner if you can't support them at a difficult time? I've literally never heard of anyone booking weekends away (other than for maybe a stag do for a best friend or something) with a baby a few months old at home. I think you need to look into leaving. Or marriage counselling. Or when he says fine he will look after the baby then agree to shared paternity leave for the last few months and tell him you're planning a load of trips.

But ultimately I think you will have to leave. Someone this selfish isn't going to have a sudden epiphany and start acting like a decent husband and father. He let you down at the worst possible time and it will be hard to forgive him.

EmilyEmmabob · 31/03/2022 08:48

There is no way he should be behaving like this OP, you had a baby 6 weeks ago. This really isn't going to change, he has all of his 'free' time mapped out constantly so that you can't have any. At first when I read this I thought he was just being selfish but that comment about work? Wow.

He's basically told you that you are parenting by yourself or you're going out to work. I can't imagine how lonely and hurtful that must feel. It isn't a case of be a parent OR go to work. In this situation you'd be better off without him and so would your child, I certainly wouldn't be bending over backwards to enforce time with his child either - that would totally be his loss.

I'd leave, or chuck him out, and then you'll see how much better you feel. No one needs emotional threats like that! Disgusting actions and behaviour.

IncompleteSenten · 31/03/2022 08:50

I'd call his fucking bluff. Tell him you've thought about it and you think it's a good idea. You will go back to work and he will do all cooking, cleaning and childcare.

You'll never see a man backtrack so fast in your life.

billy1966 · 31/03/2022 08:51

He's just another avoidant waster of a father who clearly has zero interest in being a father.

I suggest you buckle up OP and get used to it.

It's not normal behaviour but it is very common on MN.

The best thing you can do is try not to stress yourself about it.

Tell family and friends the truth and ask for support.

Don't have more children with him if this continues.
You will be absolutely miserable.

Living with someone who is so selfish and doesn't care is miserable.

You really need support from those that love you to get through this time.

Don't protect his reputation, tell the truth.
He's a loser.

Go back to work full time.

You may need that job badly if things don't work out.

Tidlo · 31/03/2022 08:54

Stop being such a wet blanket

Brefugee · 31/03/2022 08:54

Congratulations on your baby, OP.

Think about how you want your life to be, not just now but in 5, 10, 15 years. What you want your partner to do, what you want for you and your baby as it grows up.
Then think about what it is going to be like with this man, doing everything he wants, expecting everything of you and not giving an inch. Be realistic.

Then leave, because he is not going to change and even if he does EOW you will get some time off for yourself.

MintyGreenDream · 31/03/2022 08:57

Somehow I managed to marry a man who hates football thank fuck.Yanbu.

Brefugee · 31/03/2022 09:30

Whereas my DH (loves football) managed to marry someone who also loves football and in the years when it wasn't possible to go to matches/practice due to scheduling/babysitting issues we both went without a bit of it and both took the hit.

It's not about football. It is about expectations and open discussion. Preferably in advance of a baby arriving

strugglingwithlife · 31/03/2022 09:35

Who the hell are the two percent who voted YABU! Men probably!
You are definitely NBU

Rainbowqueeen · 31/03/2022 09:47

You’re not married?? Plan to go back to work.

How are finances organised? I feel that they are separate not joint. Is he contributing towards the baby expenses. If not he needs to do that
He should not be behaving in this way and if he was a decent guy he wouldn’t. I agree he is unlikely to change. So watertight contraception, ducks in a row and ensure he is contributing financially.

Sorry OP. It’s a really tough time and you and your DC deserve better than this waste of space.

Please also don’t cover for him. Don’t say that he is a great father.

AnneElliott · 31/03/2022 18:53

Don't t have any more kids! It's much easier on your own (or with a partner but doing it all) with only 1.

Does his mum know he's leaving you to it? I can't imagine she'd be impressed by that having had kids herself. I know I wouldn't be if it was my DS.

But he's unlikely to change in my view so it's up to you what you'll accept.

MadMadMadamMim · 31/03/2022 18:57

When I spoke to him about helping more with the baby he said he is tired and he will stay home with the baby and I will go to work and we will live off my salary (considerably a lot less)

Tell him Absolutely. I'm happy with that. It's knackering and boring being at home with a baby. You step up and I'll become the breadwinner. Obviously the golf, the football, and the holidays with the boys will not be happening once you're at home all day. We'll have to make cut backs, but I'm so glad you're prepared to give up work and be a SAHD. I'll ring my manager in the morning.

He's NO fucking intention of doing this. He said it to be a (bigger) twat.

Camillasmummy · 31/03/2022 19:05

YANBU.

Lots for dads to do regardless whether you BF or not. Nappies, cuddles, baths, playtime, walks. Yes dads work, but looking after a baby is work too.

He can’t carry on with his old life it’s not fair on you atall. One night a week fair enough….not multiple if you’re not ever getting a break!

HELLITHURT · 31/03/2022 19:23

@Dishwashersaurous

What do you agree about sport and other priorities before conceiving?

How did you agree things would work? What role did he want in parenting?

Oh give over!

SallyWD · 31/03/2022 19:26

I generally think people should have their own hobbies, interests and time with friends (or alone) when in a relationship - however even I think this is just too much! You have a newborn and need support. He can't just carry on like he's a single lad with no commitments.

whynotwhy · 01/04/2022 07:06

Take him upon his offer. Go back to work.

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