To feel angry that people sabotaged me breastfeeding my baby?

[Rainydayinspring]

All the way through pregnancy I was clear I wanted to breastfeed. One EMCS later and I couldn’t latch my baby on. I kept asking for help but as soon as he was latched on they walked away.

No one could come to the house as this was in lockdown and I couldn’t get support virtually.

My husband pressured me to formula feed and I had to in the end. Just still so pissed off about it.

Breastfeeding grief is real. And you were let down by people and systems that are meant to help you.

I'm sorry you didn't get to feed your baby how you wanted. There's a book by someone called Amy Brown about breastfeeding grief that you might find helpful.

Go away with yourself.

It really is real, I had a very bad experience breastfeeding my first as a young mum, so I didn't even attempt with my second. On day 5 however I changed my mind and asked the health visitor for some support. She said it was too late now and to jist stick with the bottle. I just accepted what she said but as the hormonal haze lifted I started to realise how utterly stupid she was and I too felt me and my child were robbed. I feel for you, its a horrible feeling. I still don't think there's enough support out there

During lockdown things must have been difficult with finding breastfeeding support. There is a lot of face to face support during normal times, NCT, LaLeche etc. I am a breastfeeding zealout, I admit to it, because I think it is so important and also feel that the vast majority of mums can do it if they persevere. I understand it can be difficult to get established, can be painful until established, and friends & family are often the first to query ‘is s/he getting enough?’ I had one really easy breast feeder then two who caused me pain for a while, real grit your teeth to allow them to latch on (twins). You sound as if you really wanted to feed your baby yourself, but did not get supported, this will change for your next baby. Breastfeeding is wonderful, easy, cheap, best for baby and mum - once it’s established. Go into it with confidence, and most women can be successful attitude, and you will be able to. The naysayers are frequently those with their own horror stories of bleeding & cracked nipples, the exception rather than the norm. Breasts are there for feeding babies. Full stop.

I think it sounds like you need to accept that at the time, stopping was what worked for you. Circumstances might have conspired but it was a choice that you made in the moment, presumably because it was what felt best for you and your baby. You're allowed to feel sad about it, but you might find you heal from the experience better if you take some ownership over it.

Breastfeeding is amazing - I'm very much hoping to do it myself. But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. You're not going to have a better experience of parenthood by obsessing about what you lost in not doing it.

obsessing

Thanks @Murdoch1949

@MissMaple82 one of the things I’ve come to realise is midwives don’t know much about breastfeeding.

@Frightofyourlife I’ve seen that recommended before but I don’t know …
Might just upset me more.

I had a lot of support. But I think it actually prompted me to feel pressure and guilt. I kind of wish there was a bit less anti formula vibes going on. He never did breast feed with all the support in the world. But that support contributed to five exhausting months of express feeding. Kind of wish I had a reality check on what I was giving up in order to do that.

I'm so sorry and no, it's fine to be angry! I had trouble and got no support with my first and I resented it for a long time. My other kids tho, it went well because I was more confident and also luckily got support from a proper breastfeeding person and group.
Spend lots of time cuddling your baby/child. You did the best!

I'm really sorry OP. It's a tough situation.

The support and fostering an overall culture of breastfeeding can be lacking in the U.K. it's a real shame.

Just remember that how you feed your baby is a very very small part of parenting. In a few years you'll look back and see that.

I would be gutted too op, I’m sorry that happened.

One of my friends had her baby during the pandemic and couldn’t breastfeed because her DD had a tongue tie and they wouldn’t sort it out (due to covid). I thought that was really sad.

Breastfeeding is a tiny tiny part of being a good mother. Don’t beat yourself up

This was me. I couldn’t get anyone to see me in person.. we couldn’t justify paying £££ privately and all the ‘support’ from the NHS was on the phone or websites

Currently pregnant with DC2 and really hope we can make a success of it this time.

I don’t think people who didn’t do this during the pandemic realise how much support was stripped away. I met a health visitor once at 5 days and never saw her again - was given a number for a voicemail. Left messages that were never replied to. It was shit.

I was in a similar circumstance and was devastated it didn't work out. The midwives just kept pressuring me to make it work but there was very little assistance in how to make it work. I suffered a deep depression which I partly blame on this issue. I already felt I was failing without people telling me I could do it. Anyway. I'm OK about it now but it took a loooong time.

@ShadowPuppets

This was me. I couldn’t get anyone to see me in person.. we couldn’t justify paying £££ privately and all the ‘support’ from the NHS was on the phone or websites

Currently pregnant with DC2 and really hope we can make a success of it this time.

I don’t think people who didn’t do this during the pandemic realise how much support was stripped away. I met a health visitor once at 5 days and never saw her again - was given a number for a voicemail. Left messages that were never replied to. It was shit.

I didn't even meet a health visitor it was all phone. Shit wasn't it. Pandemic mum's went through a lot.

Shoulda told your dh to do one

All the help I got was very contradictory- different professionals telling me to do different things- I'd had EMCS and was not in good shape.
Surprise, surprise, my boy had a tongue tie- no one had noticed, or bothered to look. Even once that was snipped, I was not producing enough. At week 5, I bought formula and gave him a bottle at bedtime- and he went straight to sleep and slept for about 6 hours! Instead of distressing 6-10pm continuously trying to get milk from me.
I stopped at 5 months because I developed a long term health condition.
Looking back, it was really wrong that my own wellbeing was totally secondary to breastfeeding at all costs. Anyone who strongly advocates for breastfeeding needs to understand it can make the mother ill! It's not all it's cracked up to be.

It's very disappointing but I don't think anyone has deliberately sabotaged you....its just a combination of bad circumstances..not the right midwife etc. Its just bad luck. As others suggested this is a tiny part of parenting so much more is to come. I think u should get some counselling to help you move on past this. Its not the end of the world and it may have been a difficult experience itself.

@Murdoch1949

During lockdown things must have been difficult with finding breastfeeding support. There is a lot of face to face support during normal times, NCT, LaLeche etc. I am a breastfeeding zealout, I admit to it, because I think it is so important and also feel that the vast majority of mums can do it if they persevere. I understand it can be difficult to get established, can be painful until established, and friends & family are often the first to query ‘is s/he getting enough?’ I had one really easy breast feeder then two who caused me pain for a while, real grit your teeth to allow them to latch on (twins). You sound as if you really wanted to feed your baby yourself, but did not get supported, this will change for your next baby. Breastfeeding is wonderful, easy, cheap, best for baby and mum - once it’s established. Go into it with confidence, and most women can be successful attitude, and you will be able to. The naysayers are frequently those with their own horror stories of bleeding & cracked nipples, the exception rather than the norm. Breasts are there for feeding babies. Full stop.

I disagree, it's not always best for mum. Also it's not always that easy to establish or have a good journey, your bad journey may be equivalent to someone else's best efforts and body's ability as these hormones are not the same for everyone. I had DMER which was terrible to handle but others have other reasons they struggle even with help

OP your feelings of anger and resentment are absolutely valid. We are led to believe that we are going to be supported caring for our babies and the truth is very different. You survived raising a newborn during a pandemic, that’s no easy task so don’t forget that bit whilst you learn to sit with the resentment.

I basically learnt to bf from YouTube despite begging for help. No pandemic baby, just a shit trust! I clearly remember being told there was no community breastfeeding support, then just before I went back to work walking into a centre I hadn’t been to before for a playgroup and seeing a breastfeeding support session right next door. I asked if it was new - nope, been there for years. Nothing on the web, nothing on the HV’s timetable that they hand out, none of the professionals I’d spoken to had ever alluded to it. I can’t imagine they stepped their game up over the pandemic either.

I don’t think you were necessarily ‘sabotaged’; the pandemic meant all services were absolutely on their knees so the support you needed just wasn’t available at the time, that isn’t anyone’s fault.

As for ‘pressuring’ you, I’m sure your DH was just concerned that your baby wasn’t getting enough to eat and as we all know, fed is best however it happens. I understand why you might feel that way though

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I had some similar feelings after my first birth, I thought I'd failed because it hadn't gone to plan and in my hormonal and inexperienced state of mind I took everything I heard to mean it was all my fault. It was only after giving birth again and havibg a much easier experience that I allowed myself to realise it wasn't my fault. I know you are saying your anger is directed at others but I doubt they were really trying to sabotage you but can see how you feel this way. I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe the feelings you are dealing with are actually disappointment. Let yourself be sad about it but try not to let the anger eat you up

@Rainydayinspring Hello, I wanted to reply to you directly.

I'm really, really sorry no one listened to you . Or supported you. That's rubbish.

Are you going to talk to your partner about the formula? I'd try and bottom this, it's the kind of sadness/resentment that can linger. He may well have his reasons for his perspective but you deserve to be heard too.

It really is a tiny part of motherhood, but, you know that. I think you have to wallow and experience the anger until you're ok with it. We know you did your best though!

I’m sorry that was your experience. I was very sad about not being able to bf my first and my experience was almost the opposite where people who had much less knowledge than they knew were very vocal in their disapproval and guilt trips - gp, HV, midwife. The lactation consultant was very supportive about my decision being right for us in the circumstances.

When I had my second I listened less to those people and sought out experienced lactation consultants for help. But this time round I was better able to recognise who was talking rubbish.

I think a lot of women and babies miss out, and that funding is directed into guilt tripping and emotionally manipulating mothers instead of actual meaningful training and support.

@Rainydayinspring sorry you feel let down.
I think its more that midwives are under so much pressure than don't know much about breastfeeding.
Maternity services are struggling.
Without more resources I don't know the answer.

Can I make a general comment? I don't think there is anybody in ther world who gets through their lives (assuming a decent lifespan) without at least one massive regret/anger/resentment thing. Going forward you can take that thing and decide to do things differently in the future....use the thing.....or you can let it fester. I think that for your own mental health (and your marriage going forward if you want to save it) you need to bottom this thing out and let it go. And I know its not easy.

I don’t think you can use the word sabotage, as that suggests it was deliberate. What happened is that you were let down by the health service during the pandemic, as were many others, including myself. The hidden victims of the pandemic are enormous, and include people like you.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do now, but find the best way you can to move forward and put it behind you. Mum guilt affects so many things, but when it’s something that was out of your control, you have nothing to feel guilty for.