To go NC with dad after granddad's funeral?

[NCNCNCdadquestion]

OK so hear me out.

Dad and I have always had a complicated relationship but everyone in the family always blamed me or made excuses ie. I am sensitive, he is a man so doesn't understand emotions, he doesn't mean it, he only gets angry because he loves me, what he wants more than anything is for me to be happy and us to get along.

He is completely different with me than with everyone else. With others he is like a Boris Johnson character, friendly, bumbling, life of the party, great with kids, simple and straightforward (doesn't get "feelings and emotions").

But when it's just me, even if we're in a room together just for a second, he's COMPLETELY different. Like we were in the dining room, he ordered me to put my son in another seat ("Get him out of that seat"), I said he was ok, and he told me to go fuck myself. Or walking in while I'm making breakfast for the kids, asking them what they want, and when I say "I'm making it" he says, "They need something edible" and throwing my breakfast away (the kids said "Why did granddad throw our breakfast away?")

I had always blamed myself but reading other threads on MN this kin of behaviour is seen as wrong, so I have been viewing it in a new light.

So my granddad (his dad) sadly died last week, I came up with the kids to support him, and when his wife left for work, the same behaviour started (the two examples above). So we left and I texted him and outlined my issues and said unless the behaviour stops, none of us will see him.

Problem is my son is very attached to him and excited to go to Easter at his house. And his own father just died, is it cold to do this now? I know everyone in the family will think I'm heartless and causing problems.

I would love to get an outside perspective because I am really torn.

I'd have done it years ago.

My dad is like this and I do not miss him and neither do the kids. Haven’t seen him for 4 years
My kids don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t treat me nicely and neither do yours

Nope. You don’t have to see someone who throws your children’s food in the bin and who tells you to go fuck yourself. That’s incredibly hostile behavior and you shouldn’t put up with it.

What are you teaching your kids by continuing to see him? They won't be oblivious to his 'secret' behavior- they've seen it. So if you continue to see him while he treats you like this, you're teaching them to tolerate abusive behavior. The best think you can do for them is to model healthy boundaries. That's far more valuable than a few Easter eggs at Grandads.

You need to do what is best for you. If he is not able or willing to change your relationship, you have to set a boundary for what works for you.

You will end up in a situation where you will have to explain, and effectively excuse, his behaviour towards you to your children. That's not a family dynamic which should be excused. You don't appear to be getting a lot out of the relationship so sticking by your decision may be best in the long term

🌻

If you want your son to start treating you with the same aggression and utter contempt that your dad treats you, then sure, carry on seeing him.

Otherwise, I suggest you cut ties.

It's so important that your son stops seeing him before he becomes him!

If family members stick their oars in, tell them that you won’t spend time with a man who throws your children’s food in the bin and tells you to go fuck yourself.

Thanks everyone. WRT family, I could tell them he tried to kill me and they would say I'm sensitive and he doesn't mean it.

It seems so obvious written out but it really isn't when you have grown up with it. Family even took me to therapists as a teenager seeing if I had mental problems but when the therapists said no it turned into "you're sensitive and complicated, he doesn't understand, he loves you, don't cause a problem."

I am definitely going to be seen as the villain in this but I am reassured by the responses on here. He didn't reply to my text.

Yes, the kids will miss him, but just like they miss their old teachers when they move school, they can't stay in class 2 Blue forever, can they?

What is he starts that bullshit with one of them when no one is looking.

You don't need to explain yourself. He knows why you are cutting him off. Others who make excuses for him possibly suspect, or will never understand, so save your breath.

Your kids are already noticing his abusive behaviour. Don't feel bad for cutting contact for your own self preservation, and take responsibility from keeping your kids away from him.

Keep away from him. He’s a sadist.

How is he going to treat your kids when he is alone with them?
Yes you should walk away for their sake as well as for yours.
Don't feel bad for doing the right thing.

He will end up teaching your sons to treat you with the same disdain. He can fuck off.

OP,have that meme from family estrangement group on fb.

Anybody from my family who would tell me to go fuck myself would be cut off.
Will you be happy when (not if,when)your children start repeating these words to you?Will you be happy when your children start abusing you?

They will because the twisted bugger will turn them against you. Is that what you want? Protect yourself and your family.Where’s your other half and what they are saying about it?

Your father’s hatred towards you and hostility is inexcusable.
Who is the “family” who tell you that he didn’t mean it? Tell them to go fuck themselves then watch the reaction. I bet they wouldn’t like it?

Totally unacceptable behaviour. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I'm reading all the replies, thank you everyone.
People tell me all the time "I met your dad, he's amazing/so funny/so nice"
All he ever says is he's sorry I feel that way and he loves me and wants me to be happy.
It's such a headfuck.

A character isn't the actress or actor. Just because someone saw the performance doesn't invalidate the substance that you experience.

I wouldn't waste times with long explanations or ultimatums, just make your decision and don't constantly review it.

Good luck.

Folk say that about my mother. I reply that she's seems that way but she's actually an abusive, manipulative, evil old bitch. That usually shuts the neigh sayers up.

“Dear Dad, you told me to fuck myself.
I’ve decided to take your advice and do so.

If this and other aggressive things you’ve said or done, particularly recent ones in view of your Dad’s death, are just thoughtless spur of the moment utterings then with restraint on your part we (me and my children) may be able to have a future relationship.

I do not consider you behaviour re throwing breakfast away conducive to a healthy relationship with your grandchildren.

Perhaps you could write to explain your behaviour and attitude towards me and then you can look to a way forwards.

Until then I will take your advice. Bye “

Write this, is your mum around? Send her a separate copy - a day later, different envelope, different pen.

Definitely ditch him. As pp have said, its a terrible lesson to your kids that love means putting up with abusive behaviour.

But in cutting contact there are some things you will want to consider. Do you want to also cut contact with those family members who are supportive of your Dad? You don't owe them an explanation, and it is enough to say that you have more respect for yourself and your kids than to expose yourselves to abuse. But you should be prepared that some of them will 'take sides' and your relationship with them might take a hit.

I don't know how close you are to them, so only you will know if that's something you can take in your stride, or something you'll find difficult.

Do you have other family - on DM's side? Or a DP? Do you have a good friend network? If you find yourself without contact with your father, and also with limited contact or strained relationship with other family as a result, make sure you know who your support network are.

Are all of your family on your father's side? Is there anyone who can see it from your POV? Even having one person in your corner can help.

I had an aunt like your dad, everyone thought see was such a lovely lady, she had this mask that she put on for everyone else except my mum and me. I didn't stop seeing her as she was disabled and depended on us but I must say I was so glad when she died, the improvement in my mental health was unbelievable, I had no idea just how much she had affected my mum and me over the years. You do what you feel is best for you and ignore others.

If it was me I'd reply dad, if you wanted me to be happy, you wouldn't say
Then list all the foul things he says.

And sorry you feel that way is the classic non apology 🙄

Your dad is a scapegoating bully. Taking you to see a therapist as the 'identified patient' in a family us classic dysfunctional family behaviour ie if the 'bad' child gets treated everything will be fine. He is the problem, probably narcissistic. They are often seen by outsiders as nice guys.

You really need to get away from this person and keep your son away from him. He may turn your own child against you and you will be scapegoated again. It's not you, it's him. Infact you are probably the strongest family member mentally hence your selection as the scapegoat.

@Dacquoise thank you, I've never heard this phrase but that fits exactly. I've always been cast as the problem despite feeling like everyone around me is crazy. To the point I got frustrated when I was never diagnosed with disorder as a teenager because something was clearly wrong. I was always afraid the problem wasn't with me, because that meant I couldn't fix it, and things were just unfair.

I'm just scared family will all treat me like I'm being childish, silly, and like a stroppy teenager. That's what usually happens. And my dad will kind of smile and roll his eyes and ask if I'm done and everyone will say aaahh come on, all better now.

But I am really sick of the abuse and feel disgusted by it. I can't cut my whole family off though even though none of them will be on my side. It is so exhausting to be around a whole group of people who think you're crazy and overreacting. I am really serious and I am an adult and it worries me that this won't be taken seriously and somehow I'll end up in the same position.