To go NC with dad after granddad's funeral?

[NCNCNCdadquestion]

OK so hear me out.

Dad and I have always had a complicated relationship but everyone in the family always blamed me or made excuses ie. I am sensitive, he is a man so doesn't understand emotions, he doesn't mean it, he only gets angry because he loves me, what he wants more than anything is for me to be happy and us to get along.

He is completely different with me than with everyone else. With others he is like a Boris Johnson character, friendly, bumbling, life of the party, great with kids, simple and straightforward (doesn't get "feelings and emotions").

But when it's just me, even if we're in a room together just for a second, he's COMPLETELY different. Like we were in the dining room, he ordered me to put my son in another seat ("Get him out of that seat"), I said he was ok, and he told me to go fuck myself. Or walking in while I'm making breakfast for the kids, asking them what they want, and when I say "I'm making it" he says, "They need something edible" and throwing my breakfast away (the kids said "Why did granddad throw our breakfast away?")

I had always blamed myself but reading other threads on MN this kin of behaviour is seen as wrong, so I have been viewing it in a new light.

So my granddad (his dad) sadly died last week, I came up with the kids to support him, and when his wife left for work, the same behaviour started (the two examples above). So we left and I texted him and outlined my issues and said unless the behaviour stops, none of us will see him.

Problem is my son is very attached to him and excited to go to Easter at his house. And his own father just died, is it cold to do this now? I know everyone in the family will think I'm heartless and causing problems.

I would love to get an outside perspective because I am really torn.

You have described my father to a T.
At least mine is dead.

Unfortunately the scapegoat role in a dysfunctional family is fixed and life long. Unless your family are prepared to attend family therapy together, this is unlikely to change. I am NC with the whole of my family for the same reasons. It was very difficult to begin with but I am genuinely happy now. Other people don't put me in that role because I don't let them and that is due to extensive therapy. Interestingly when I left my family of origin, they ended up turning on each other because a new scapegoat was chosen. It's a whole system.

Perhaps consider some therapy for yourself if you can afford it, or at least read around hhe subject. Understanding can make it easier to deal with. The Stately Homes thread in Relationships is a great source of support for these issues.

It's not your fault, you didn't cause it but you can't fix it on your own and definitely shouldn't haven't put it with this. It's abuse, pure and simple.

A funeral can be a good time to draw a line under things. I was already NC with my dad (his choice, since birth). But he came along with some family to the chapel of rest when my grandma (his mother) died. As we're in the room with her, I could actually hear him outside laughing loudly and trying to flirt with the woman on the desk. There was just no redeeming him and at least when those ties are gone it's their problem, not yours.

I would stop my family being exposed to this