Am I being paranoid about childminder? Bruises on DDs face.

[IWannaGoToTheSpa]

I went back to work after my second DD in January. She turned one in February. I decided to use a childminder this time (my parents have always kindly looked after my first DD but they’re getting on a bit and didn’t think it was fair to ask them to do so much again). They still look after youngest DD once a week and the childminder does it twice a week. I found her on the childcare website but turns out we had a friend in common and so was able to ask her all about the childminder and I got verbal references from the mums of the other children she looks after. GLOWING reports from all. The friend in common worked with her for years when they worked in a nursery together and she said she’s the person you’d want looking after your children. I was so happy to feel at peace about finding the right person to look after my DD age just one.

It’s been going well. There’s just been a couple things and I don’t know if I’m being really paranoid. I should also add I work with children in a healthcare setting, and therefore am exposed to lots of sad social cases so I know I see it go on more than most and it probably makes me a bit paranoid. I’m also uptight about grapes having seen one too many choking incidents and have asked her not to give her grapes until I say so, even if she cuts them up. I know many will disagree but that’s my choice. Notice she gave her grapes the other day so I very politely asked her not to just yet. Also, I asked her about the car seat she uses as we are about to change hers in the next few months and I had totally forgotten to ask before she started looking after DD - I admit, my bad. I asked it if was rear facing. She said no, it’s her preference that it’s not as she thinks they’d get bored and can’t see the other children as well. It was all said a bit stroppy like I’d dented her professionalism a bit. I don’t honestly care if she’s bored - it’s the law to be rear facing til she’s 15 months. I didn’t say anything as wanted to keep a good relationship and we are about to change the car seat soon in about 2 months time anyway to be forward facing.

Anyway. That was about a week ago and she’s been with the childminder for the last two days. With me today. I have noticed today a new bruise over her eye and cheek. It looks like the same bruise. I’ll try to add a photo if I can hide the rest of DDs face in the photo. My husband picked her up last night and the child minder did say that she seemed to have a bruise on her head but she didn’t see her hit her head or didn’t cry out loud at any point like she was hurt when she wasn’t looking.

What should I do? I’ve just noticed the bruise is quite bad today. Would have known if she’d done it here and would like to think the childminder would have noticed something like that happen. Obviously I’m thinking the absolute worst too…..

child minder did say that she seemed to have a bruise on her head but she didn’t see her hit her head or didn’t cry out loud at any point like she was hurt

She's lying. A baby that hits their head/eye that hard is sure to cry.

A responsible CM would instantly tell the collecting parent "Baby has a bruise on her face , here is what happened XYZ".

Your baby has been hurt, never let her go back there; report it to local council where CM is registered.

I'm a big proponent of rear facing car seats. My eldest rear faced until he was five, and that was very much not the norm amongst my peers. If it's something that's important to you, you should really check with a childcare provider because attitudes really vary. You can legally carry a child forward facing in an old-standard weight-based car seat as soon as they reach 9kg, so she's not breaking the law unless she is using a new-standard iSize seat. Obviously it's better to have them rear facing as long as possible but I think the people that recognise that and put it into practice are still in the minority. If she's not willing to use a rear facing seat you try to come to some sort of compromise, such as she's only allowed to take your child in the car short distances in the local area, avoiding roads above 30mph?

Umm so what did she say when you asked her about the bruise?

She’s taking the mick with everything else. No thank you. I’d make an excuse and find someone else.

Definitely change the childminder. If she can’t even respect your request about grapes (which I totally agree about, they were a no no for mine) then I wouldn’t trust her judgement or her values.

Bruises can take time to develop so that could be something she did at home but if you are not happy about it then find someone else.

The car seat thing is a dealbreaker as far I'd see

When my kids were this age (10 plus years ago) I think you could reasonably FF at 9ths then, depending on weight for the relevant type of seat.

At the time a friend moved her child around to forward face aged 6 month I can remember all of us being as she claimed her son was bored rear facing. Same mother had her child in a non high back booster by 2 ish. It was crazy.

I'd be trusting your instinct too. I used a childminder with DS when he was 12-18 months. I collected a little early once and found him sat in the kitchen eating his tea with his fingers which would have been fine if his hands were brown with dirt. That should have been enough of a red flag.

The final straw for me was when one day when she gave me his jumper back damp and told me that he had spilt juice on it. When I was giving him a bath that night I noticed he had dried blood around his nostril. It turns out he'd had a nosebleed. This in itself wouldn't have been an issue as he is prone to nosebleeds and accidents happen. The issue was the lie - the fact that she tried to cover up the fact he's had one in first place. We moved him to a local nursery and were much happier - communication and accountability became very important after that.

Obviously there are lots of trustworthy and reliable childminders out there and I was unlucky. There needs to be trust between the two of you if you are letting them look after your DC.

Bruise came from somewhere. If your child fell, pretty likely they'd scream out. So if she didn't see it happening to give an explanation that means she wasn't with her or watching her when it happened.

OK so childminders need to go to the loo like the rest of the population, but where had she left your child when she might have popped off? Obviously not safely in a travel cot, and more like on the sofa.

So potentially, we don't know, but if she didn't inflict it (which is more unlikely) than something negligent occurred or she'd be able to tell you, e.g child was playing in a jumparoo or trying to haul themselves up on a walker and hit their face. Accidents happen - kids bash themselves from time to time. But no explanation to me means negligence. She can't tell you what happened because she didn't see it.

The grapes and car seat and bad attitude are all red flags.

Maybe you are more paranoid than most or maybe the friends reviews weren't paranoid enough!

@YoYoYoYoSup I've worked in nurseries and believe me, some of them ain't all that!

Get rid
The baby has been bruised in her care whether she did it or not she's clearly not watching her properly.

[quote hookiewookie29]@YoYoYoYoSup I've worked in nurseries and believe me, some of them ain't all that![/quote]
Thats why I said a good nursery. Some are amazing, some are terrible I admit.

It is legal to forward face before 15 months if it’s a weight based seat. However as a parent there is no way I would be choosing to forward face at 15 months.

Astonishing how many people are incorrectly quoting the law. Rear facing is absolutely safer but you can legally ff from 9mths in a weight based seat. If rear facing is important to you then make that part of your criteria before selecting a childminder. Simple. But she's done nothing wrong there.

Grapes - as long as these were correctly cut it's a non issue imo, better a child learns to eat them safely. However again if it's important to you then that's your prerogative to choose a childminder based on this, and remove your DD if you feel your wishes weren't followed.

The bruise - my only concern would be not knowing how it had happened. My oldest had a black eye from his first day at nursery....awful but toddling 1-yr olds bang and bump their heads frequently.

I kept mine rear facing until 2 and a half, only when it became a real struggle to get DD without lots of screaming and crying in the car did we change it. If I had my way, I'd have left her rear facing until 4. You need a childminder who's on the same page as you but especially follows the law.

I'd expect she should know about what happened with that bruise unless she's not paying enough attention or left your DD alone.

If you ever doubt the person/people looking after your child then please just change it. You don't need the bruise to even make that decision as it just clearly isn't working for you.

For what it's worth, I had one recommended to me and checked Ofsted to find she was deemed inadequate for a whole bunch of reasons. Others might not know what's going on either.

The car seat thing isn’t against the law depending on what kind of seat it is - it’s a parental preference to have a 1 year old rear facing so if that’s your preference, ask for that.
I would offer to provide a seat if she didn’t have a suitable rear facing one.

The grapes - yes she shouldn’t have forgotten about that. But no one is perfect, that wouldn’t bother me.

The bruise is more difficult, toddlers do get bruises sometimes and you don’t always see it happen. Children don’t always cry when they bump themselves.

Personally, none of these things would be big problems for me. But if you don’t feel confident in your childcare, find something else.

My (tall) 3.5 yr old is still rear facing so the car seat thing would be a no-go for me. We've had two childminders and both have agreed to rear face DS and haven't taken offence when we've stated that's our preference. Bruises unfortunately are common though so on that part it's hard to comment.

I used a childminder when my 4 year old started school. She put him on a booster cushion in the car (perfectly legal as he weighed over 15kg).
When I realised I requested he go in a high backed booster and offered to provide one.
She swapped him into a different seat.

Can't quite believe how dramatic some people are on here.
Personally I don't use my car for minded kids BUT as far as I'm aware the rules are that as you're replacing car seats they should be rear facing. If childminder has had the seats for a while that might be simply why. It would be interesting how the cm reacts now though when she realises the parents wishes. I wouldn't be too focussed on (presumably cut) grapes either.
The bruise could be entirely innocent tho, it does happen from time to time.

Even saying all that though I would still say to trust your own gut. If you don't trust her that's the main thing you need to trust your cm completely and it sounds like you might have too many doubts.

It's not the law they have to be rear facing until 15 months. Weight based seats dont go by age.
www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules.
You didn't discuss carseats so you cant blame childminder for that. If CM doesnt have rear facing seat then give her one.
She pointed out the bruise to your husband and was honest that she wasn't aware how it happened - she didnt try to cover up or hide it.
My children had bruises that if no idea where they came from.
She dropped the ball on the grapes.
I don't think its terrible or loads of red flags.

Find a new childminder or a nursery ASAP!
I do think bruises happen especially at that age, if it was only that I would look past it.
I wouldn’t be able to send my child to her knowing they would be FF in the car seat, especially not at one year old. I wouldn’t want my child going in the car with her in the meantime either unless they were RF.
She also didn’t listen to you about the grapes so it’s clear she doesn’t respect your decisions.

That's not good. What would she have done if your child had a nut allergy? If she hasn't noticed uf your dc has injured themselves then how she gonna notice one of them choking. Any decent childminder would've noticed the bruising and mentioned something. The fact that she was wasn't happy with what you were saying is worrying. She should be doing what you ask. I'd look for another cm and quick. Infact I wouldn't use them again as from now.

Put it this way: if you kept her on, would you ever relax? I'd sack her –the grapes and car seat are deal breakers.

I'd find another childminder. She sounds a bad fit for you. I used one for my youngest child when I was ill and she was in the same housing development so I saw how she was with kids long before I used her. You can tell a good one. That kind of trust is essential. I never had to worry about ds when I took him, even when he didn't want to go!

It's more likely she hasn't hurt her or doesn't know how they happened , mine get bruises all the time and no clue where from. However if you're uncomfortable there's no point stressing yourself and keeping her there and the ignoring your wishes is enough to get rid

Children can get bruises, have accidents etc. of course. But the telling thing is that she says she doesn't know what happened. So either she doesn't want to say or she wasn't looking after your child when it did. Maybe she went to the loo, or to answer the door and your child ran into a radiator or another kid hit her with a toy. In which case why not say that?

I'm not one for rushing in waving a pitchfork but she's either lying or she's incompetent. She can choose which one she wants to be.