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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid about childminder? Bruises on DDs face.

81 replies

IWannaGoToTheSpa · 30/03/2022 10:03

I went back to work after my second DD in January. She turned one in February. I decided to use a childminder this time (my parents have always kindly looked after my first DD but they’re getting on a bit and didn’t think it was fair to ask them to do so much again). They still look after youngest DD once a week and the childminder does it twice a week. I found her on the childcare website but turns out we had a friend in common and so was able to ask her all about the childminder and I got verbal references from the mums of the other children she looks after. GLOWING reports from all. The friend in common worked with her for years when they worked in a nursery together and she said she’s the person you’d want looking after your children. I was so happy to feel at peace about finding the right person to look after my DD age just one.

It’s been going well. There’s just been a couple things and I don’t know if I’m being really paranoid. I should also add I work with children in a healthcare setting, and therefore am exposed to lots of sad social cases so I know I see it go on more than most and it probably makes me a bit paranoid. I’m also uptight about grapes having seen one too many choking incidents and have asked her not to give her grapes until I say so, even if she cuts them up. I know many will disagree but that’s my choice. Notice she gave her grapes the other day so I very politely asked her not to just yet. Also, I asked her about the car seat she uses as we are about to change hers in the next few months and I had totally forgotten to ask before she started looking after DD - I admit, my bad. I asked it if was rear facing. She said no, it’s her preference that it’s not as she thinks they’d get bored and can’t see the other children as well. It was all said a bit stroppy like I’d dented her professionalism a bit. I don’t honestly care if she’s bored - it’s the law to be rear facing til she’s 15 months. I didn’t say anything as wanted to keep a good relationship and we are about to change the car seat soon in about 2 months time anyway to be forward facing.

Anyway. That was about a week ago and she’s been with the childminder for the last two days. With me today. I have noticed today a new bruise over her eye and cheek. It looks like the same bruise. I’ll try to add a photo if I can hide the rest of DDs face in the photo. My husband picked her up last night and the child minder did say that she seemed to have a bruise on her head but she didn’t see her hit her head or didn’t cry out loud at any point like she was hurt when she wasn’t looking.

What should I do? I’ve just noticed the bruise is quite bad today. Would have known if she’d done it here and would like to think the childminder would have noticed something like that happen. Obviously I’m thinking the absolute worst too…..

OP posts:

Isladogs · 30/03/2022 11:27

Get another childminder for the car seat alone.

In all likelihood the bruise has come from something innocent but if your gut is making you feel uncomfortable about her then get someone else. I was physically abused by my childminder's husband as a child. The childminder had been recommended to my mum by my aunt who was a social worker. This was apparently someone that had been used by many of the social workers in her team. Her husband used to come round to 'sort us out' if we were naughty or did things she wasn't happy with. This included some really extreme things that I won't write here as they are quite specific and outing.
If you feel something is off about her then find an alternative, but as I say, the car seat alone would be enough for me.

Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 11:28

Fire her. There are too many red flags here:

ignores your (perfectly reasonable and simple) instruction re grapes;
ignores the law on car seats;
child has a facial bruise and the childminder didn’t immediately apologise and explain what happened.

Know how many bruises my DD has had to her eye? Zero. She’s nine. It isn’t just one of those things’ a well looked-after child does not get a bruised eye, certainly not at age one!

Paddingtonthebear · 30/03/2022 11:32

The bruise could be something innocent but I would expect her to have noticed and mentioned to you first, not the other way around.

I think once you have doubts about someone, it’s hard to change your view. I would look for someone else.

UnbeatenMum · 30/03/2022 11:36

@Thewindwhispers

Fire her. There are too many red flags here:

ignores your (perfectly reasonable and simple) instruction re grapes;
ignores the law on car seats;
child has a facial bruise and the childminder didn’t immediately apologise and explain what happened.

Know how many bruises my DD has had to her eye? Zero. She’s nine. It isn’t just one of those things’ a well looked-after child does not get a bruised eye, certainly not at age one!

My well looked after child banged his eye area on the edge of a radiator and had a bruise at age 1. It's really not unusual for toddlers who are learning to walk or haven't been walking long to get bruises to their heads or faces. What is unusual is the childminder not knowing how it happened. I wouldn't be happy about the car seat either.

Owwlie · 30/03/2022 11:39

I would change ASAP. Ask your parents to help in the meantime maybe? If you or your husband can’t take annual leave.

Not listening about the grapes and not following the law on car seats would be a deal breaker for me. Especially the car seats, she cares more about them being bored than their safety.

@BingBangB0ng

My DDs have both rear-faced until 3 (and both are very tall). They just have their legs crossed or ‘frog-legged’. It’s safe and not uncomfortable for them at that age (they’re a lot more flexible). And in a crash, even if they broke their leg it’s better than a broken neck.

Owwlie · 30/03/2022 11:40

Oh and bruises on a head/arm/leg I could understand OP, but a bruised eye with no explanation is odd. Surely if she hit her eye hard enough to bruise she would have made a fuss.

flashy44 · 30/03/2022 11:41

Go with your gut instinct ,its always right

GrouchyLadybird88 · 30/03/2022 11:57

Are you sure she isn’t using a weight based seat instead of height based? If so it isn’t illegal to be forward facing for a child once they reach 9kg. Of course it’s still always safer to rear face but it’s a bit different than breaking the law

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/03/2022 11:57

The child seat thing would worry me. The bruise thing less so, only because one of my DC was constantly bruising himself when he was little because he was very active.

Unsureaboutit9 · 30/03/2022 12:01

Get rid of her for the car seat thing, it’s illegal and dangerous. Same for the grapes, did she bother cutting them correctly? It’s dangerous and against your rules. Until your baby can tell you what’s going on properly trust your instincts and atleast trust your own safety rules.

MajesticallyAwkward · 30/03/2022 12:03

a well looked-after child does not get a bruised eye, certainly not at age one

A well looked after child can get a bruise anywhere, children trip/fall/bump often. Because one specific child has made it to 9 without incident doesn't mean it's the norm. My very well looked after children have had many bruises including eyes. 2yo has fallen, bumped into other kids, been hit and tripped so many times. He also rarely cries unless really hurt, it's not unusual for his nursery to say he has a mark/bruise but they aren't sure how he got it or for us to say at drop off he has a bruise and we don't know how he got it.

Hangthetowels · 30/03/2022 12:06

Car crashes and forward facing babies are a leading cause of infant death - that would be an absolute red flag for me and I can't believe you are going to let forward facing happen again and again for 2 months??! Honestly trust your gut and be assertive!

MajesticallyAwkward · 30/03/2022 12:07

@Owwlie

I would change ASAP. Ask your parents to help in the meantime maybe? If you or your husband can’t take annual leave.

Not listening about the grapes and not following the law on car seats would be a deal breaker for me. Especially the car seats, she cares more about them being bored than their safety.

@BingBangB0ng

That's really interesting re the car seats. Id planned to keep ds rear facing but by 18 months he would stretch his legs and push against the back of the seat trying to dislodge the car seat, it was well fitted but he managed to loosen it. Not that forward facing is much better because now he just kicks the back of the front seat but the isofix is at less risk of damage, and he's behind the passenger side so it's DHs problem.

EarlGreywithLemon · 30/03/2022 12:13

The car seat would also be a deal breaker for me. Our current car seat is rear facing only and we intend to use it until our daughter is 4 (which is how long the car seat is suitable for).

SleepSleepSleeeeeep · 30/03/2022 12:20

My son had bruises all the time when he was learning to walk. He had a lovely big egg after hitting the radiator once, it looked awful.

However, I'd never risk it with children. If your instincts are shouting then go ahead and listen to them and find another. It may not be anything but I'd never risk feeling uneasy or uncomfortable about my son's care to spare an awkward conversation.

FTEngineerM · 30/03/2022 12:25

It’s only law in an isize seat to have rf up to 15 months.

If you get non isize then it’ll say on the seat itse, so she’s not necessarily breaking the law if she has a non isize seat.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2022 12:29

I would try a nursery. Certainly don't leave her with this childminder. She does seem a bit clueless.

SellingBee · 30/03/2022 12:32

The grapes and car seat would be too much for me. My 2 year old rear faces and I wouldn't consider a childminder who didn't facilitate this.

Beautifulmonster87 · 30/03/2022 12:36

It’s a tricky one.
My CM is a family friend yet has done a few worrying things… same re car seat, didn’t have a video baby monitor for naps which to me was a worry as he was a climber, would give him chocolate even though he had a packed lunch, then let him on bike outside without a helmet. I stressed he must wear a helmet then he fell off in the garden without a helmet and bumped his head so now she is more aware but I shouldn’t have taken that for her to realise!

Sometimes kids bump themselves and you just don’t know why. Maybe research and see if you can find someone else or hope this was just a blip. Mine actually didn’t tell me how he bumped his head as it was doing somebting I wasn’t happy about, he told me!

No one is perfect but if you’re overly concerned then find someone else.

minniep · 30/03/2022 12:45

OP if your gut tells you something is off then trust your instinct. You need to feel 100% comfortable with your childminder.

dottydodah · 30/03/2022 12:48

I would not be happy with this at all.You have a perfect right to delay grapes as there have been several incidents .As far as Car safety is concerned you are in charge! WTF ,why would she ignore this instruction? I used to work in a Nursery, and I would look around in this setting .Many CM are first class,however in a Nursery setting theres other staff ,plus unlikely to go out in a car!(Most we managed was a stroll to see the horses nearby!) We had to report any accidents in the Accident Book as well .A clear indication of what happened an when .Action taken and so on

User478 · 30/03/2022 12:53

Take your child out and if you think she's not using the car seat legally report to Ofsted.

SantaIsReal · 30/03/2022 12:56

Definitely agree with trusting your gut on this one!
Going against your instructions about giving YOUR child grapes is one thing but the car seat situation totally crossed the line.
Regardless of law, it is 5 times safer to rear face children. No, they don't run out of leg room and no they don't get bored there are plenty of ways to interact e.g a mirror on the headrest. Bumps, bruises and accidents happen but it would irk me that she never brought it to your attention regardless of whether she knew what caused it.

YoYoYoYoSup · 30/03/2022 12:58

I dont understand why people want to use a childminder. A find a good nursery much better, more staff, better ratios in good ones and more accountability. One person on their own has no one else looking out for what they're doing so if they were doing something awful to kids in the care no one would know or see it. Consider a good nursery instead OP.

Newuser82 · 30/03/2022 13:04

@BingBangB0ng my son still rear faces now at almost 3 1/2. He is fairly small but has more than enough room. We have a cybex sirona.

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