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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.....to regret moving house?

32 replies

bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 12:22

We moved house over 18 months ago from a 3 bedroomed house in quite a rough area.

Apart from the area, it was ok. Doctors surgery, toddler groups, leisure center, shops, post office and pharmacy were all within a 2 min walk and public transport was every 15min.

DD had a reserved place in the local primary school (she's 2 now) and parking was easy outside the house. (but once again, it was in a deprived area, lots of crime and break-ins, and me and DP both agreed we didnt want the kids growing up there)

We sold that house and bought another one in a much nicer, upper class area. Downside is, its a 2 bedroomed so we lost a room (we have 2 kids), its rural and need a car to get to anywhere (even to get milk) and its miles away from DP work (hour+10min commute each way, as in the old house it was 15min), and we cant get DD into any of the local primary schools.

It was my idea to move, although DP agreed, it was me that was driving the idea.

If im honest, we rushed it, and as our new house is in a rural area i feel really isolated as im a SAHM.

We have a set mortgage that were tided into for the next 5 years, plus we cant afford to move again!

If im honest, i really regret moving house. I've sort of half mentioned it to DP how i feel, but his attitude is "well this is what you wanted babe" which is fair enough, and at the time it was what i wanted.

Its a lovely house, small, but lovely, but i cant seem to make it feel like "home", and i miss our old house (well the convenience of it), despite moving almost 2 years ago.

I just feel like im stuck in such a rutt. Am i being unreasonable to feel like this as all this was my bloody idea?

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 07/01/2008 12:24

My house stopped feeling like home a while ago but I know we can't move for a while.

I think you have to try and make thr best of it. Go out for walks, see who is about, try and get involved with any other stay at home mums, ask at your GPs about play groups etc.

throckenholt · 07/01/2008 12:28

why can't you get dd into any of the local schools ? (surely it is a bit early to tell if she is only 2 ?).

I think it takes a while to adjust to living in a rural area - but having kids in playgroups etc usually helps.

Do you have any options to extend and get a bit more space ?

LIZS · 07/01/2008 12:28

YABU . You just need to get on and make the most of it, there must be facilities within a reasonable distance be they library , shop, church (which may have mums and tots type groups) etc . At 2 there are no guarantees of a primary place anyway whatever "reserved" was supposed to have meant and you stand as good a chance as any of finding her a good local place now surely. Focus on the positives rather than the negatives and remember you may not have a true picture of what you left behind anyway.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/01/2008 12:29

You're not being unreasonable. Sometimes we find out the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Could you look into the possibility of moving again, maybe closer to your old area but in a better street?

TodayToday · 07/01/2008 12:34

I'm confused about why you can't get your DD into a school nearby. You should be able to. Once she is at school/nursery perhaps you could help out in some way and you might meet some more local people.

PersephoneSnowballSnape · 07/01/2008 12:35

are you lonely where you are bbh? seems to me you miss the convienience fo the shops/library etc, but is it maybe more the interaction with other grown ups?

i moved from ok area to rural area loved it despite the travel to work and inconvienience, lost house when ex left us. then moved to nice area, but rented. now in own house but crappy area. I'm tied into mortgage until the end of the year but it's been four years of crap to buy own house and get a bit of equity behind me.

how much would it cost you to pay yourself out of your mortgage? if you're really unhappy I don't see any point at sticking at it, admit you've made a mistake and either do your sums to se eif you can move or bite it back and do your best to acclimatise to your new home

Wisteria · 07/01/2008 12:37

YANBU but I think you need to focus on the positives and remember the reasons why you moved.

Is it possible to extend into the attic space to create an extra bedroom?

Go out more and try to meet some other local SAHMs at toddler groups etc - it can all seem very grim at first but once you've integrated into the community more you may end up loving it

Rantmum · 07/01/2008 12:38

How rural are you - can you get involved with any local activities in villages nearby? Rural life takes longer to become part of and does take more effort because things are not on your doorstep, but it is not impossible. You need to look into whatever is around that might make you feel less isolated even if it means taking a short drive everyday or doing something you never considered that you might like as a hobby before. I understand where you are coming from because I have moved recently (abroad) and I have not really made any friends yet and have trouble accessing the local culture because I don't speak the language very well. I get homesick and while I know the decision to move is better for my family in the long run it seems that the adjustment period for me is going to be a long time. Fortunately I have done so much moving around in my life that I know that it is simply a matter of time and soon enough I will feel part of the place that I live. I know that it is tough, but I am sure that with some effort things will come right for you.

lalalonglegs · 07/01/2008 12:39

Your mortgage may be tied up for five years but they are usually transferrable to other properties you just can't redeem them in that time slot so if you really want to move, that shouldn't stand in your way. You may be able to find a cheaper house than your current one (that sounds like a dream house for many people) and so you would be able to afford to move again although hassle factor is uge and I agree with Lizs that it might be worth trying to make most of current area first. Countryside in January likely to make you think of most places wistfully no matter how wretched they were at time.

OrmIrian · 07/01/2008 12:43

Can't offer much advice really. We're still living in what sounds very like your old house and in spite of the convenience, I'd move like a shot! My house doesn't feel like home inspite of the fact that I have a lot of sentimental attachment to the place.

I'd give it a bit longer. As others have said rural life is very different and it can take longer to get involved.

Re the schools, I don't understand why you can be so sure you won't get a place. You've got 2 years to go yet. Round here you can't apply for a place before the Jan of the year the child starts.

mollythetortoise · 07/01/2008 13:15

your dd is only 2 though and once she gets old enough for playgroups, school nursery, playdates and of course school a whole new social world will open up for you with other mums in the same boat as you. You will then feel better, i promise. IMO you are better off in a nicer area with the disadvantages you describe than in a rougher area especially with young children. Please proactive about making new friends and things will seem better.

Rolacola · 07/01/2008 13:38

I can identify with your feelings, however in the long term, moving to a better location can only be a good thing when your dd is older.

Every house has a some kind of compromise IMO. It might be good area, but no garden, bad area but lots of friends, nice house but no money...etc etc. If possible, try & get yourself to toddler groups, and make yourself invite people round for coffee. My experience of settling in very much revolved around making new friends.

I think I would write down the pro's and cons, (decide which compromises you are prepared to make) and if it still doesn't feel right think about moving, and pay the tie-in fee.

Hope that helps...

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 07/01/2008 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBumblebee · 07/01/2008 13:58

We made a similar move 18 months ago, and now have our first DS of 3 months. Although I don't regret the move, it is a big adjustment and I find it hard sometimes, especially on rainy days when I don't have the car (like today!). All I can say is to try and focus on the positives. When I'm down I try to think about the summer, when country living really comes into its own.

dooley1 · 07/01/2008 14:02

'we cant get DD into any of the local primary schools. '

In our area we are only just applying now for our ds to start in September.
I thin youmust have your info wrong unless you intend on going private.

It's not unreasonable to feel the way you do though but understandable to feel guilty about it.

(hate your nickname by the way, not relevant I know!)

Original poster
bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 14:39

thanks for the feedback

regarding schools, we have put DDs name down for the local school but they have 31 spaces per class and on average 80 parents apply per academic year, so apx 49 children are refused entry each year. The next school is about 13 miles away, and we are out of the catchment so the chances of getting in there are even less.

OP posts:
louloulouise · 07/01/2008 15:44

Yes but you need to look into the admission criteria for the local school, you probably will get in if you are in the catchment for it and the others a quite a way away. Certain circumstances warrant a higher chance of getting into the school, so you really need to look at this before you jump to conclusions.

Everyone has to apply at the same time for schools so I wouldn't worry about it yet!!

LIZS · 07/01/2008 15:57

but I bet many of those 80 won't be living as local as you . They will prioritise applications for the places based on siblings , distance etc. If you join local preschool groups you'll get a better feel for how much of an issue it may be rather than just look at the numbers. Have you asked neighbours where theirs go ? Find it hard to believe the next closest one would really be 13mls away , that is very remote.

LyraSilvertongue · 07/01/2008 16:37

BBH, there must surely be another school closer than 13 miles away. Where do the others who don't get ito the local school go? There can't be dozens of children sat at home with no school place. As far as I'm aware your LEA has to offer your DD a school place. It may not necessarily be the place you'd have chosen at the school you'd have chosen but a place it will be.
You need to check with your local council asap, especially if your DD would be starting in the school nursery this year (if she's 3 before September).

Original poster
bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 16:39

LIZS its true, like i said we live in a very rural area. I cant see what i would gain by lying about it.

I will look more into the school issue, DD is only 2 so ive got a while yet anyway.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 07/01/2008 16:41

I agree with LIZ that joining a pre-school for your dd would be a good idea, you'd get to know people eventually, and would be able to get some information from them on the school situation.

I agree too that many of those 80 will be 'chancing' the application, not so local as you, or just trying to move to the area, etc. You may find your dd gets in no problem. I'd try to hang on in there, as school will really help in enabling you to get to know people and feel part of the community.

Is it a one-form entry - just one class in each year?

Flllightattendant · 07/01/2008 16:45

It's not uncommon to go through a phase of this. Honestly!
It sounds like a much, much better environment for all of you, and you will adjust to the distance etc.
I always regret moving for a while, it comes and goes, but eventually you realise it made sense and you're getting attached to the new place.

Original poster
bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 16:46

Its one class per academic year. I really need to look into it more as I've obviously not got the bigger picture when it comes to schooling.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigbumhole · 07/01/2008 16:48

Thanks Flllighattendant.

I'm a very timid person and find change a bit of a headache and it always unsettles me quite a lot, always have since i was little.

When we moved house every main aspect of my life changed and im still getting used to it i guess.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 07/01/2008 16:53

BBh I was told the same about our local school 120 applicants for 30 places. But was told privately that lots of people apply to more than one school and will drop out before the time comes also people move away and places become available. Liek you I panicked a bit but was told not to worry for a while yet.