I am too ill and stupid to have a career. Can anyone relate?

[IneptBrain]

I'll be honest, I don't know what is just my innate stupidity and what is a decline in cognitive function. I have had a serious autoimmune condition since childhood but apparently was very bright, for a time. So nobody ever concerned about intellectual disability etc. My autoimmune condition has now progressed and I have several more, as well as chronic deficiencies in iron and vitamins.

I just feel so defeated. I can't make my brain work like a normal person capable of picking up new systems. I cannot stay organised. Apparently I have ADHD which does make sense, but because of another drug I take I cannot take ADHD medication.

As an adult I now seem to have lost my ability to learn, unless there is zero pressure, and then I'm quite good at researching something for example. But even then my brain cannot retain information the way it used to.

I got my Masters degree recently, thinking it would boost my confidence but needed so many extensions every time I got sick. So does it even really count as having completed the degree?

I just have zero value to any employer (or client, I have nothing of value to offer as a freelancer, it's just the same shit and failing and disappointing everyone) I CAN'T DO IT. I can't do anything meaningful, I hate every sodding thing to do with trying to convince people to give me money to feed myself etc and be a proper normal successful adult.

I just hate it all and feel at the end of my tether.

I feel like I need to make a big declaration to the world where I go "yes, I'm a useless waste of space economically, I know that, thank you" and crawl away to be left alone so people stop wondering what I'm doing work wise.

Except of course what I would actually love is to crack the problem and figure out a way that works for me, instead of wasting my whole life as a parasite. I hate leeching off DP although they reassure me they don't care, they just would love to see me happy and fulfilled as they know how miserable I am about being a failure. It's massively unfair of me to not contribute though.

Jesus Christ I just do not know what to do anymore. My life is streaming by and I have a shortened life expectancy anyway and I'm just fucking it up.

Please help, if you can suggest anything.

My experience isn't quite the same as yours, OP, but I can relate to it/you, yes.

@CoalTit

My experience isn't quite the same as yours, OP, but I can relate to it/you, yes.

Coaltit what happened to you? Not meaning to be intrusive, but if you want to talk about it.

I am supposed to be getting on a work call and have no idea if it's happening or not. Because the other person hasn't confirmed.

I don't even have their number so if they don't confirm or call me what do I even do?

I am so overwhelmed, I've tried looking through emails in case there is a number but keep making mistakes as to what emails I've looked at and which ones I haven't checked. This is what I mean by being really fucking stupid. My head is like a sieve, it cannot hold stuff in the short term memory, so I get very distressed and upset realising how thick I am. It's just like loads of diffuse bits of information all fluttering around without any pattern to make it make sense. I cannot cope.

How do normal people function and not end up with this type of situation? Is it simply raw intelligence?

You have a Master’s degree. I suspect you have a lot to offer.

People with intellectual disabilities don't have masters degrees. You sound like you have learning difficulties though. If you have considerable difficulties you can apply for access to work funding so a support worker can help you.

What is your degree in?

Congratulations on completing your Master’s degree! And yes, if they’ve given it to you, it does count. What was it in?

I think you should turn the frustration you’ve expressed so eloquently here into a play. Not a play like any play you’ve ever seen. Write it like you.

A lot of what you say I can relate to abd I have currently unmedicated ADHD.

I was researching meds the other day and did you know SNRIs (a type of antidepressants) can apparently be helpful? Maybe it’s worth a try if it will work with your other meds

I have ADHD and autoimmune arthritis. Your difficulties are very familiar to me! I’m also bright (which you are if you have a masters) but really struggle with organisation. I am successful now though, but it took a combination of learned (and practised) techniques, targeted support and finding the job/organisation that was the right fit for me - was a disaster in places that weren’t. I’d be really happy to help if I can.

What is your master’s in? What do you do now? And what would you ideally like to do?

What sort of jobs are you looking for? If you are finding it hard to retain new information and are not able to freelance or use your research skills then you need to be looking for jobs which while not perhaps using your academic skills are using other abilities, interests or soft skills that you possess.

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way OP. Huge congratulations on your Masters - this is a huge accomplishment regardless of extensions and you should be proud of yourself! What job do you have now? What are your qualifications in? I’m sure you can find a role that feels a good fit :)

Wow, you really are down on yourself aren't you?!

You got a Masters while battling a progressive autoimmunity ffs. That's amazing. You have adhd and can't take the meds, but still manage to study, research, organise extensions, and get a Masters degree. That too is amazing. Put the
autoimmunity and adhd together and you've been doubling amazing! Of course it counts if you've had extensions! I'm on year 4 of a 2 year part time Masters and insulted you think it doesn't.

Adhd means your brain selects what it will (stuff that interests it) and won't (stuff that bores you) retain. There are strategies for getting more organised, for focusing, for enhancing memory etc when you've adhd. You don't have to take meds. Lots of strategies suggested online, just find the ones that work better for you personally.

Have you spoken to your gp about these feelings of failure as your life rushes past? There seem to be a big element of self hatred here that could be depression.

Degree is in International Development. Job is NGO and I am very enthusiastic about the mission.

I'm just not enough.

you need to be looking for jobs which while not perhaps using your academic skills are using other abilities, interests or soft skills that you possess

But I don't have any other abilities or soft skills.

Yep, I relate. Got two degrees, do a lot of voluntary work but can't get a job. I have ptsd plus a few other issues including a childhood of being told what a worthless waste of space I am. Trying to write an essay at the moment but can't concentrate.

What's your sleep like? Vitamin b12 issues? In my case I think exhaustion plays a part but I've forgotten how to sleep.

A different situation but I am suffering symptoms of perimenopause at the moment and some days I can feel my cognitive abilities draining away. I used to be so quick to make connections, to read and remember, to know straight away the right path to take. Now I am confused, remember and do things in the wrong order, have constant little gaps in my memory. I can hardly bear to think it might be forever, and if I'd known, what I should have prioritised in my earlier life.

You’re clearly not stupid, you ✍🏼 articulately and have. A masters. You did that masters while ill, many others on that course will have done it with no health problems to interfere. Your brain is glitching when you ask it to do certain things. Lots of doctors have described the brain fog that has resulted from Covid with huge frustration, similar to what you describe - would you call them stupid?

What you are is intensely self-critical and self-blaming. I am too and it does not help with anything. It makes everything worse. I’d suggest having a look at Kristin Neff and others’ self-compassion work. It’s science-based even if it sounds a bit fluffy.

self-compassion.org/

Acceptance and Commitment therapy might also be useful to you: www.amazon.co.uk/Reality-Slap-2nd-survive-thrive/dp/1472146360/ref=asc_df_1472146360/?hvlocphy=1007120&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=500806356660&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-1214728966732&hvrand=9228630061258793799

I'm an evangelist for good therapy, and I think when you clearly have voices in your head (parental?) telling you you're useless, it's even more necessary. Don't know about therapy in ADHD but others on here will.

Might be cheaper to have a mentor though. Ask around?

@IneptBrain

you need to be looking for jobs which while not perhaps using your academic skills are using other abilities, interests or soft skills that you possess

But I don't have any other abilities or soft skills.

So you say. I think other people would probably say differently. But let that one go for a minute.

So what interests do you have?

I did a masters with an autoimmune condition about thirty years ago (when the drugs weren't so good). I had been in your position. I did get a job after that and have had a reasonable career since. Not high flying, but good enough.

Don't beat yourself up. As others have said, a masters is a real achievement. Congratulations. Pat yourself on the back (if you can't reach it).

Also, someone mentioned vitamin b12. Look also at vitamin d. I had a deficiency picked up in a routine blood test before Christmas. A supplement and I perked up no end

Emojis and typos!!

That is an accomplished degree and field. You have skills. You may just need to figure out how to leverage those skills in an environment that wasn’t built to work in the way that your brain is designed to work.

Hyper-organization is probably going to be a necessity for you. When a meeting gets booked, you need to get all the necessary details out into a central location, not stores in separate emails. It will take time for you to develop a system that works for you.

One thing to try for now would be at the beginning of each day writing out a list of short and long term tasks with every piece of information you can imagine you will need for the day. I find a spiral notebook is actually really useful for this kind of thing. Write the date at the top of the page. Make critical notes during the day. Repeat tomorrow, even if it means copying things from the previous day to the next day. It’s worth the 20 minutes at the beginning of your day to get organized and focus.

Also, there are stimulant and non-stimulant drugs for ADHD. Are you definitely not able to take either kind? Has the psychiatrist who diagnosed you discussed this thoroughly with you?

Well you are not stupid, you just struggle with executive functioning by the sound of it. Sounds like you’ve achieved a lot while dealing with some difficult and ongoing problems

I’m sure there is something you could do, job-wise. I wonder if, having a Masters degree, you are looking at careers which are somewhat high flying and stressful.
But a less physically and mentally demanding job such as working a checkout- even part-time to begin with- might be okay, and bring you a sense of self-esteem that you are earning?

Rather than try to switch fields, I would look into Occupational Therapy or at least look at the kind of techniques OTs suggest to support people with ADHD and ASD in school and in the workplace. There is actually a pretty good amount of info available about supporting kids online because moms like to chat, but the same ideas work for adults.

When I started supporting my DC, I realized I had been DIYing my own OT my whole life. I’m just too old to have had access to a childhood diagnosis and proper support for my own condition.

This sounds trite but it does work. Concentrate on what you can ,small gains