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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to volunteer my DoB to DC?

30 replies

DappledThings · 29/03/2022 14:32

Have worded the thread title carefully as I do mean volunteer the information as in preemptively mention it, I wouldn't ever lie if directly asked.

I hate my birthday. Have done for most of my life. On my next one I will be 43 and I remember feeling deeply uncomfortable about it from 11 or 12. This isn't about aging, I'm perfectly happy about being older, I just hate attention, presents, fuss, the artificial nature of it. Being wished happy birthday in any form (spoken, card, song!) makes me want to crawl under the earth.

DC are 4 and 6. Love their birthdays, and others as they should. They are of course well aware everyone has a birthday but not yet aware that they haven't ever celebrated mine. They will ask sometimes when it is and I've vaguely said "Summer" then that time passes and they don't really think about it.

But I'm starting to feel I ought to let them know as they would probably love to make a card and sing. If they did I would of course be totally gracious about it and massively appreciate it, but really I'd just rather they never really thought about it which when they are older would save them a massive load of hassle trying to think of something I'd like when what I want is no acknowledgement.

Is it really that big a deal to just never mention it? As I sawy I wouldn't lie. If they are older and have a better understanding of calendars and actually ask I would just tell them. But if I can get a few more years of it just sliding by without this confusing them I'd like to.

OP posts:
Sharrowgirl · 29/03/2022 14:34

I think while they’re too young to ask to care then it’s fine. But once they start to notice, you’re going to have to give in and go along with it.

SilverHairedCat · 29/03/2022 14:36

It'll become weird when they are older. Do you want them to have normal birthdays? If you do, they'll want to celebrate with you too.

It doesn't have to be a big deal though - just say mum only wants a bunch of flowers or something as mum's don't need cakes or parties. Keep it simple for them so it's not totally out of their reach but reduces any social expectation.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 29/03/2022 14:37

Agree with pp.

Also future birthdays with them, rather than presents you could just say you'd like to spend the day with them and go out somewhere or have a say by yourself peace and quiet :)
No fuss, no cake etc

bebanjo · 29/03/2022 14:37

My dad was the same, he always told us his birthday was 32 February.
We kind of got the hint.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 29/03/2022 14:37

Can you start a family tradition for your birthday?

Like instead of a party, you have your yearly trip to a naice stately home or the zoo or something.

Then that’s what they’ll know to expect every year- mum likes a low-key family day out with no fanfare, there’s nothing odd about that.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/03/2022 14:37

I get it, I don't really like my birthday either but agree with PP that this is going to get weird as they get older.

bebanjo · 29/03/2022 14:41

On another note me and DH don’t ‘celebrate’ our birthdays. We just don’t say anything in the run up, I might get a text or a Facebook message, but just don't mention it. We make a fuss of DD, and as far as she’s concerned it’s just what we do.

tarheelbaby · 29/03/2022 14:42

I hear you OP. I don't enjoy a big fuss and being asked what I'd like is both embarrassing and another chore.

But the reality is that people who love you will, at a minimum, want to show how much they love you by acknowledging your birthday. If it helps, it's not about you, it's about them.

This is a place where other relatives can help you. Your DC will, of course, want to know your birthdate eventually so ask your DP or DM or DSis or whomever to help them keep it low key. You can set a precedent now that you are happy with a card and a kind word on the day.

BlingLoving · 29/03/2022 15:30

This feels like a total non-issue. You don't have to proactively mention your birthday. At some point, they're going to ask you directly, "Mummy, why don't you ever celebrate your birthday". And then you say, "I just don't really like birthdays darling. I know, not like you at ALL. So I just don't really bother."

And then, if at some point they specifically say they want to make you a card or whatever, then tell them the date and leave them to it. As they get older, make it clear that ou don't want big celebrations and the best way to give you what you want for your birthday is to just ignore the whole thing.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 29/03/2022 15:39

In my family, we’ve always celebrated my birthday. We’ve never celebrated my mum or dad’s birthday.
I cannot remember ever questioning that. It was just what we did. Birthday celebrations was for children, nit adults.

They might ask more questions if you celebrate your DH or grand parents etc… (which we didn’t as we were too far away anyway)

junglejane66 · 29/03/2022 15:45

My gran didnt like birthdays either but that WAS an age thing. Family thought she died aged 82, her grave stone even says that, found her birth cert years later and she was really 86!!!

Original poster
DappledThings · 29/03/2022 15:51

@BlingLoving

This feels like a total non-issue. You don't have to proactively mention your birthday. At some point, they're going to ask you directly, "Mummy, why don't you ever celebrate your birthday". And then you say, "I just don't really like birthdays darling. I know, not like you at ALL. So I just don't really bother."

And then, if at some point they specifically say they want to make you a card or whatever, then tell them the date and leave them to it. As they get older, make it clear that ou don't want big celebrations and the best way to give you what you want for your birthday is to just ignore the whole thing.

This is how I feel, I think it's a non-issue too. Other people have said they think it's unfair and weird to DC and I wanted a sense check on whether anyone else thought so. Thank you.
OP posts:
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 29/03/2022 15:55

My mum did something very similar (with her it was an age thing p she was a VERY young mum and didn't want people to know) It made what should have been commonplace into a mystery and made it a much bigger deal than it need to be.

I don't like attention on my birthday but the children know when it is. It's the day before my sons so we have always focussed attention on his and mine goes by unnoticed which suits me fine. But they do get me cards and they mean a lot.

They are little. They will take their lead from you. Just tell them the date and that like lots of grownups you don't really celebrate your birthday. Then let them please themselves about what they do. Don't deny them the chance to commemorate it in some small way.

TimBoothseyes · 29/03/2022 16:13

Tell them it's December 25th....you'll never be the centre of attention then.

namechange30455 · 29/03/2022 16:13

I think it's unfair that you've not answered their question properly.

I'm amazed they haven't pushed you further - I know I'd get "yes, but what MONTH" if I was so vague.

You're making it into a bigger thing that it needs to be by not just being honest.

Iggly · 29/03/2022 16:17

I find it odd because it makes it a big deal then and creates drama when you don’t need to.

Just tell them when it is when they ask. They’re not going to plan ahead or anything and celebrate - because they’re too young to actually enable it to happen!

Then as they get older and realise it’s coming up, then you can say you don’t want to do anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

PinkSyCo · 29/03/2022 16:24

I think it’s fine. When your DC are a bit older and want to know the exact date tell them, but also tell them that some adults don’t like a big fuss on their birthday and you are one of them. I don’t see the harm in that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Caiti19 · 29/03/2022 16:29

I think it brings children a lot of joy to celebrate their parents' birthdays. Even if that's just presenting you with a card they made and a daisy chain. I think it's important that children experience both giving and receiving in families, so they bring that thoughtfulness to families of their own one day. Doesn't have to be a big fanfare.

Original poster
DappledThings · 29/03/2022 16:34

@TimBoothseyes

Tell them it's December 25th....you'll never be the centre of attention then.
That's too close to DD's birthday so she would totally be far too interested in mine if it was that close to hers. I've though about asking if she wants to swap! She can have my June one and get a celebration totally apart from Christmas and I can have hers and make sure everyone forgets it. 25 December would be my dream DoB I think
OP posts:
Gowithme · 29/03/2022 16:35

I would take their lead. If they ask you then tell them when it is (rather than being vague). But you don't have to do anything for it. They can make you things for Christmas or Easter or Mother's day - they're not missing out by not giving you things for your birthday. My 15 year old wouldn't remember when mine was if his dad didn't remind him! I don't think he'd be too bothered if it wasn't mentioned either.

Iggly · 29/03/2022 16:37

That's too close to DD's birthday so she would totally be far too interested in mine if it was that close to hers

I honestly think you’re over thinking it to be honest!

Original poster
DappledThings · 29/03/2022 16:39

@namechange30455

I think it's unfair that you've not answered their question properly.

I'm amazed they haven't pushed you further - I know I'd get "yes, but what MONTH" if I was so vague.

You're making it into a bigger thing that it needs to be by not just being honest.

They don't really get months. They will both sometimes ask what month it is now but neither of them really have a sense of the calendar as yet. So if I did say June when it was already May they wouldn't get that was next month or anything.

Even if I gave them the exact date at this point it wouldn't mean anything so maybe I will do. It's not a regular question, maybe 2 or 3 times max.

OP posts:
Original poster
DappledThings · 29/03/2022 16:39

@Iggly

That's too close to DD's birthday so she would totally be far too interested in mine if it was that close to hers

I honestly think you’re over thinking it to be honest!

That was tongue in cheek
OP posts:
CallMeDaddy58 · 29/03/2022 16:43

I’m the same so I always make sure we’re on holiday during my birthday. Your total avoidance is verging into “should seek therapy” territory though. It won’t ruin your life to get an ugly macaroni birthday card from your kids once a year. I don’t think they’ll be asking why you are t going to a party at soft play for your 45th.

TinaYouFatLard · 29/03/2022 16:45

When they were younger my DC got such a lot of joy out of fussing me on my birthday, choosing inappropriate gifts and thinking I was so surprised! They love you and I think they might be missing out on an important chance to show one of the many ways we take care of people we love. It doesn’t have to be a big song and dance all day but I think it can be important and beneficial for them.