AIBU to expect something (anything!) in return?

[CrazyTimes123]

For the past 7 years I have taken my DD’s best friend almost everywhere with us - meals out, day trips, theme parks, spa weekends, week long holiday cottages, trips to Ireland (we’re England).
In addition to this there’s the usual stuff after school, sleepovers, etc,
We have other friend too now and again, but it’s mainly BF.

I arrange all this pretty much directly with her mum as both girls (now both 18) are SEN, so once they plan it, I deal with mum. She always asks how much money BF will need, and I always say pocket money for sweets & ice cream - I always pay for everything else because they don’t seem to have much money. They don’t drive either so it’s an hour round trip for each pick up/drop off.

Not once in that time has my DD crossed the threshold into their house. She’s never been invited for tea, or just to watch a movie. Nothing.

AIBU to expect something, nothing fancy or that’ll cost anything, back in return ?

I get your frustration, it sounds like you do an awful lot for her, and I'm sure her mum is grateful.
Could it be the other mum can't cope with 2 girls with SEN?
Maybe she has some other issues she doesn't want to tell you about?
Does your dd ever mention not going to her friends house?

I said YABU because she didn't ask you to offer anything. It's fine to stop doing favours once you realise someone is not going to reciprocate, but you shouldn't expect to force someone into a reciprocal relationship by doing them favours.

I arrange all this pretty much directly with her mum

So what happened at the start when you suggested DD spend some time with her friend at her place?

Just stop doing it at this point.

No YANBU. I find people like this really frustrating. Unless of course they explain why.
If you don't plan, initiate & host the dates then the girls will not get social time together it seems.
I get that others will say the other mum hasn't asked for this, perhaps their house is small, perhaps they don't have enough money etc. But going out for some fresh air, having a cuppa together etc is entirely possible once in a while.
I don't know if there is a solution as it's awkward to ask. However you can know that you've done your best for both of the DC.

@dfendyr I have never suggested she spend time there. We go out a lot so always include her. They don’t really go anywhere but an invite for tea would be nice.

SENs are easily managed - I mention them as it’s the reason I have input into 18 year olds arrangements with friends.

My DD gets lifts and sometimes takeaways from her best friends mother. I assume mother does it because it suits her. It would not suit me to go out of my way to do anything in return, and if I had to choose, I would choose for her to stop doing the favours over me doing anything.

(Although perhaps it's not quite the same, as I have no input to the situation. DD takes up offers made directly to her by the mother.)

Could there be a reason they other family are insecure about the house if they have less money. That they feel you'll judge a smaller house or whatever, even if you wouldn't?

And yes, I have done this primarily for DD I know that.

Now they’re both 18, everything is adult prices, and for DD not to even get a invite back for a tin of soup and a dvd is starting to get to me.

But you are choosing to invite her along, I am guessing the Mum isn’t pressuring you to do things? So she doesn’t have to make the same choices as you.

It could also be that you've accidentally ended up in a dynamic where you are the person who does this stuff. Which isn't necessarily wrong if there are reasons, but I can see why you feel it's lopsided.

Honestly, offer what you are happy and willing to give - no strings attached. Presumably the invites to DDs best friend are not entirely altruistic - you're predominantly doing it for the benefit it gives to your DD.

There are a whole host of reasons why they may feel unwilling or unable to host your DD at their place, or take her places. It may well be finances, it could be family issues, other family members with SEN, parental health, other caring responsibilities, unsuitable accommodation etc. If they haven't invited your DD after all this time, yet the girls are still friendly and you have good communication with Mum then I think its safe to assume that there are other factors at play, and its unlikely that reciprocation will be forthcoming any time soon.

Keep offering what you are willing to offer, and leave it at that. If you are not willing to offer invites without reciprocation, then stop offering invites.

Sadly a thing I have learnt over the years is if you do people [what you perceive as] favours without communicating your expectations re return of said favours, the majority of people just won't reciprocate, and you need to either make your peace with that or stop doing the favours in the first place. I think given this is a situation that has been going on for years and you've never even casually mentioned that you hope or want your DD to be invited in return, it's reasonable on the part of the other mum to assume the status quo suits you as much as it does them, particularly given when she has tried to suggest giving you some recompense by offering money for the holidays you've brushed her off saying it's basically not needed. Like others say maybe they are worried/ashamed about their house and know yours in nicer hence not arranging things at theirs, or maybe they have got the impression you are particularly protective of your DD (understandable with the SEN) and prefer to have her under your eye, or maybe they're just really tight/skint, who knows. The only way to change things though is to talk about it, they certainly can't be expected to be mind readers!

I think you can fix it though without it becoming a huge deal, even with the SEN both girls are old enough now to understand they can't just arrange things and expect you to pay for both of them all the time so some compromises need to be made, and I think you can handle it graciously, so for instance next time they want to be taken to the cinema you can say something to the other mum 'DDs want to go see XYZ film, I'm happy to take them this time but can you provide the snacks since it's such a rip-off to buy them there' or 'I'm happy to take them but can you do an at-home movie night with netflix and popcorn next time they ask cos now they're adults tickets are so expensive' or similar. Or something like 'Oh you know I enjoy having BF at our house so much, the girls are great company for one another, but could you sometimes have DD at yours for tea, I could use some peace and quiet occasionally?' - basically ask the question without implying she's been taking advantage of you all this time?

You're choosing to invite, and pay for, their dd.

They have made it clear, over a number of years, they won't reciprocate, and you still do it, so, at this point yabu to expect anything from them.

Next time ask them for the ticket price too.

I feel for you OP, you sound like such a kind soul and it must feel a little like you’re being taken for granted. There could be any one of a number of reasons that the other mum won’t or can’t reciprocate, but short of asking her directly, you may never know the reasoning. If it’s got to the point where it feels unbalanced or you resent it to some degree, I think it’s probably time time to reduce how much you’re offering as I can’t see things changing after such a long time

I think you sound like a very kind person, but I also think YABU. There are a couple of reasons I can think of for them not reciprocating, some people are not confident entertaining or are embarrassed about their home.

You have not been forced to do any of the things you h ave been doing. I think you should not do them rather than do them and then complain about it.

You are both BU and NBU. You are NBU for the reasons that you have given, you have been very generous and it has been one sided. Although perhaps not completely one sided as you have benefitted from having someone there to keep your DD amused, I know that when my DC were younger they were quite hard work and taking a friend with us relived me of constant demands to provide amusement for them.

However you are BU because the other family have always offered to cover costs for their child and you have refused. Also you haven't made your expectation explicit. They may not want to have non-family in their house for whatever reason and if you had made it clear that their choice was to reciprocate or cause you annoyance then they might have chosen not to let their DD go out with you in the first place.

Basically, if kind offers come with strings attached then the strings should be made clear at the start.

Yab slightly u. It's a bit annoying but at this point it's obvious they will never reciprocate. Instead of hoping they will, give out invitations accordingly.

In terms of the financial cost, yabu as you have repeatedly turned down offers of money. They offer it so start telling them what the price is and taking it.

You’re such a wise bunch - thanks for your replies.

I think it’s the fact that now they’re adults and I’m now paying full prices, it’s started to hurt that it’s so one-sided. But you’re right, I have gotten more out of the arrangement than I’ve put in

I had similar as a child. I had a friend we took on holidays, sleepovers etc, for years. I was never invited to her house, was never inside it once. It must have drove my mum nuts but she didn't mention it. Now with fb etc, ive seen pictures of my friends family with another family there all the time, i think the mums were friends. My mum was a friend of the other mum, there was a gap of about 20 years between them. My mum was just doing it all for me.
Maybe your situation is similar?

Then you need to way up the balances.

Does the pleasure you get from seeing your SEN daughter having fun with a friend, outweigh the annoyance you feel from it never being reciprocated?

If you're still in the camp of "happy because DD is happy", then you'll have to let the lack of reciprocation go.
Alternatively, being to dial back the expectation that Friend will be joining DD on the more expensive outings. Meals out? Fair enough, come along! Multi-day holidays? Not any more.

But as an aside, on these holidays, would there be more expectation from DD that YOU entertain her/do things with her, that previously Friend would have done? Are you happy to provide more of that companionship side of things?

So what would happen if next time the mother asks how much money her DD will need on a trip, you said "actually, don't worry about it, I'll pay for it this time but could you invite DD back sometime? Doesn't have to be anything grand"?

Sorry, my mum wasn't a friend of the other mum

Ask for the fair share of costs for the friend. Ask the mum directly to have your dad fir something and see what she says. She’s taking the mickey.

After so many years I wouldn’t expect anything, although the mum did ask you what to pay for trips etc so you had every opportunity to ask for entrance fees/lunch money?

Maybe she thinks your daughter benefits from the company of hers so much you don’t mind paying?

Or maybe they genuinely can’t afford trips out or are ashamed of their house/flat (maybe it’s tiny compared to your home?)