AIBU to expect something (anything!) in return?

[CrazyTimes123]

For the past 7 years I have taken my DD’s best friend almost everywhere with us - meals out, day trips, theme parks, spa weekends, week long holiday cottages, trips to Ireland (we’re England).
In addition to this there’s the usual stuff after school, sleepovers, etc,
We have other friend too now and again, but it’s mainly BF.

I arrange all this pretty much directly with her mum as both girls (now both 18) are SEN, so once they plan it, I deal with mum. She always asks how much money BF will need, and I always say pocket money for sweets & ice cream - I always pay for everything else because they don’t seem to have much money. They don’t drive either so it’s an hour round trip for each pick up/drop off.

Not once in that time has my DD crossed the threshold into their house. She’s never been invited for tea, or just to watch a movie. Nothing.

AIBU to expect something, nothing fancy or that’ll cost anything, back in return ?

You need to remember that your DD is benefitting from inviting her friend along, and so are you. But if I was the other mum I definitely would do something in return occasionally

You just never know what's going on in BF's family. My DD a has a few issues with us, our house and her MH. She is always going round to various friends houses. I have frequently suggested that she invite them here but she feels uncomfortable doing it. Her friends' parents probably think we are mean and unfriendly. I like teenagers and love meeting my DCs friends. Sadly I barely know DD's friendS.

I would just look on it that your DD has had the enjoyment of doing lots of things with her best friend for company, which is priceless.

The girl's family may not be great at getting out and doing stuff, or their home may not be as nice as yours, or the parents may be Mumsnetters who essentially live in fear that a visitor might enter their house and use the toilet. Whatever the reason, it is not your problem, and not within your control to change (but yes,bit is a pity).

Maybe this is a good time to change the arrangement - next time, you could tell them that you are going and would be happy to take her but would need the cost of the ticket price now that she's an adult. It'd be the natural time to do it.

OK. me and my best friend (from 5 years old) both didn't have SEN.

But because her DM was a single mother with 3 other much older kids this meant that my friend was often left out/home alone etc. So my DM invited her on holiday, day trips etc with us. I did go a couple of day trips with her, went round to her house a lot etc but most of this was without her DM being there as she was often at work. Once she mentioned something about me going away with them - Butlins, but it didn't come to anything.

My DM could see that her DM had it tough re finances and also time so she didn't ask for anything. Her DM did ensure that she had spending money and even money on holiday towards food etc - I can't recall if my DM accepted it. But my DM was quite generous anyway and wouldn't have forced my friend to pay for things.

Now it's adults in your case with adult costs then yes I would ask for the DM to pay for her DD. Don't expect your DD to be invited to her house as that hasn't happened so far for whatever reason.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would just look on it that your DD has had the enjoyment of doing lots of things with her best friend for company, which is priceless.

The girl's family may not be great at getting out and doing stuff, or their home may not be as nice as yours, or the parents may be Mumsnetters who essentially live in fear that a visitor might enter their house and use the toilet. Whatever the reason, it is not your problem, and not within your control to change (but yes,bit is a pity).

@TheYearOfSmallThings - that was exactly the same with me and my best friend. It helped my DM that my best friend was there on day trips and holidays to keep me company and do stuff with.

I have a DB 2 years younger and he often/always brought a friend along too so my DM just accepted this was better for us rather than us having to be together and sometimes fight.

I said YABU, just because you don't know what's going on behind the scenes.

Maybe the mum (or the DD) is embarrassed their house isn't as nice as yours and doesn't want your DD to come round.
Maybe her DH is an alcoholic or can behave erratically.
Maybe she doesn't have the money to take them places that aren't home.
Maybe she feels so overwhelmed by all you've done that anything she can offer feels so paltry that she's really embarrassed.

I'm guessing it comes from insecurity in some form or another otherwise she would have offered (I know MN seems full of CFs but I've not met any in real life!). Just be grateful you can offer what have done and given your DD and the other girl so much fun. I'm sure you've made a big difference to both their lives through what you've given.

You know what, the thought process might not even be as complex as they're consciously ashamed of their house or anxious about visitors, you're thinking 'why can't they just have DD over for a tin of soup and a DVD, it'll cost them nothing' but theirs might be more like 'we could invite DD over for tea and to watch the TV, but why would she ever want to do that when she could be having a lovely home-cooked three course meal and a night at the cinema with her mother, she'd never want what we could offer, that's why she's never asked to come in, she must think we're so cheap/poor/our house is so rubbish'.... perfectly logical and not really cheeky IMO, just all based off misapprehensions and miscommunications. It would be such a shame to draw back on a long friendship without at least mentioning it and seeing if they take the hint?? Come on woman, be 1% less English and reticent about the whole thing and make your feelings known even if through the time honoured medium of veiled implications and self-deprecating humour??

Yes I will keep doing what I can afford as she’s good company and creating great memories which is priceless. I will continue not to expect anything in return.

I never accept money off her as they don’t seem to have much money. I don’t want to make it awkward for her.

@maxelly I never thought of it like that !! DD has never asked to go, she’s too happy at home I think

Btw OP I meant to say both girls are lucky to have you - life is made up of all these little experiences you are providing for them, and it is like money in the bank to have that while you are growing up. I know because my DM was the same, and I look back so fondly, as do my friends.

@TheYearOfSmallThings that’s such a nice thing to say !

I will definitely shut up and carry on as I am, thanks