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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if it was my fault..

33 replies

seamonkeys · 28/03/2022 23:40

Where to start. Split with my ex after 10 years a few months ago and me and the kids (5 year old and 6 month old) moved out.
I applied for universal credit, got job interviews, started seeing someone else (who has been nothing but lovely)
Ex said he wanted to talk, so I agreed.
There's were his points why he ended it

  • his tea was never ready for him (he WFH and said he preferred to cook, when I do cook he hovered over me and for the 9 months of pregnancy I had hyperemesis)
  • I gave up work to be a 'housewife' but I wasn't a good housewife. I didn't do much with our eldest apart from sit him in front of the tv while I sat on my phone
  • because he earns a good wage I didn't have to work or worry about bills and I didn't appreciate it
  • I made his parents feel 'outcast' (they chose to move to Cyprus so we barely saw them)
  • when he said he was leaving before I went on tinder and he found out. He said he "can't get over' this and the fact I spoke to other males in messaging sometimes.
  • I wasn't affectionate and he didn't get much sex ( he would sulk if I turned it down)
  • I didn't support his hobbies (he plays paintball at £80 a go once a month)
  • I didn't support his career. I was jealous he had a career and hobbies and I didn't.
  • i didn't care about the kids!

He then cried and said he had nothing as he moved up here for me, but can't be miserable as he was with me and during his this talk I didn't say the "right things" (I think he wanted me to cry say I was sorry and I'd have his tea on the table every night)

I actually felt ok and was enjoying life a bit again and dates with the new guy until this. Now this has messed my head up.

Was I so in the wrong? If he didn't want me why say all this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2022 23:43

What of any of it is true?

You seem happy to be apart. You’ve moved on extremely quickly despite having a young baby. You don’t need to care what he thinks. It wasn’t a stable or secure relationship so no doubt best it’s over.

gamerchick · 28/03/2022 23:43

No. You're moving on, he isn't and he can't stand that. So he's trying to bring you down a few pegs.

Is it working?

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/03/2022 23:44

He’s realized that he misses having ‘someone’ at home doing the childcare and house work, and now if he wants a relationship he’ll have to work at it, he’s realized cooking and cleaning and childcare is hard work and wants you back to do those things and sex, because it’s ‘easier’ than starting again.

You are convenient.

Don’t fall for it.

Nowhere did you state how you felt? Or even his down falls?

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 28/03/2022 23:51

You said yourself you felt ok and was enjoying yourself this relationship sounds over. It didn't seem great to start with, he's leaving your on tinder, he comes back m, you've messaged other guys, he wants tea done in the table, you don't want to, your parenting styles are clearly different standards, you've moved in very quickly. Cut your loses and find a way to co parent

Sn0tnose · 28/03/2022 23:53

He then cried and said he had nothing as he moved up here for me, but can't be miserable as he was with me and during his this talk I didn't say the "right things" (I think he wanted me to cry say I was sorry and I'd have his tea on the table every night)

That’s exactly what he wanted you to say. Being single is clearly not what he was hoping it would be, so he was offering you the opportunity to redeem yourself in his eyes by becoming the perfect housewife, mother and sex object. You clearly aren’t as grateful as he felt you should be and it has put his nose out of joint. The correct response would have been to beg him to forgive you for your failings and promise never to fail him again if he’d only be willing to give you another chance.

MrsEricBana · 28/03/2022 23:55

Maybe his points are valid in which case best for you both to move on and find happiness elsewhere.

MojoMoon · 29/03/2022 00:00

Maybe don't hurry into dating though - you have young children and sound pretty young yourself.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It's about learning to recognise what a healthy relationship looks like - it sounds like you could benefit from that before you get involved with another man

Relentlessrose · 29/03/2022 00:02

Does it matter if you were incompatible, made each other miserable and are much happier apart? Cut your losses, and move onto better things.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/03/2022 06:55

Your new life sounds good.
His expectations for me ... are laughable. I wouldn't be happy living like that.

The accusations about you.notncarong about the kids and being a shit mum. Only you can know.... but it you are so awful and he is so azing why isn't he going to court for gull custody or enhanced shared???

I can't imagine why you would... bit Do you want him.back ? Your post reads like you might. Personally i wouldnt look back

JohannSebastianBach · 29/03/2022 07:07

Sounds to me like he has just confirmed that you were 100% right to end this relationship.

He sounds like a 1950's husband.

twominutesmore · 29/03/2022 07:50

Did you ask him why he ended it? I am just wondering whether he was responding to questions or just went straight in with his list.

Is there any truth to it?

Do his reasons, even if they are partly true, really matter if you have moved on and enjoying your new life?

It doesn't sound like there will be any sort of reconciliation, certainly not one where you're both suddenly compatible, so I think you should just continue building your new life and he should start to build his.

I guess it is a shame for him if his family are a long way away and he would like to move back, and could do so as he wfh, but his dc are here, but that is something he will have to work out for himself.

Sprucewillis · 29/03/2022 07:56

@JohannSebastianBach

Sounds to me like he has just confirmed that you were 100% right to end this relationship.

He sounds like a 1950's husband.

This... And now he's negging and punishing you for having the audacity to get over him.

Slow down a bit though. Give yourself some time (and your DC) to adjust to the new status quo.

Turningpurple · 29/03/2022 07:57

I don't think yiu should worry about it too much, unless you think there's some truth in parts of it. If there is, still just think about it in relation to the next relationship.

That's his point of view, wether he is right or wrong, it's his

You obviously have a different one. Ita just more proof that it being over is a good thing.

RoastedFerret · 29/03/2022 07:57

Is there a reason that you care what he says? It sounds like you were perfectly happy both this time and last to split up and move on so I would just ignore what he says, it seems like you weren't that into him anyway.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2022 08:01

"He’s realized that he misses having ‘someone’ at home doing the childcare and house work, and now if he wants a relationship he’ll have to work at it, he’s realized cooking and cleaning and childcare is hard work and wants you back to do those things and sex, because it’s ‘easier’ than starting again."

Yep to that. The on-tap sex with Instagram models that lots of resentful men think is out there, just isn't. Not without a lot of effort and money being spent, that is and still not for most men.

Don't tie yourself to putting someone's tea on the table every night. No woman should be just a housewife, a stay at home mum, yes, but not tied to the house and serving a fully functioning adult.

When you treat your wife like a housekeeper generally they work out that there's better terms and conditions on offer, which you have done. He hasn't left you broken hearted, which says a lot. Don't accept what he is saying. He isn't chatting compromise and meeting in the middle. It's all what he wants, he has stopped seeing you as a person.

WeCouldBeSpearows · 29/03/2022 08:02

Do you want to go back to a guy that sulks if you don't have sex and wants dinner on the table every night, and has pretty much set out that those are his demands if you get back together? Because if anything, that'd giving him ammunition to be even more of a dick, because he'll say that you agreed to it when you got back together?

You sound better off where you are.

DrManhattan · 29/03/2022 08:03

Hes a mess. Dont entertain any more of these conversations. You have moved on

ukborn · 29/03/2022 08:03

So he wanted to discuss his side of things - fair enough (and did you really go on tinder while still living together? You can't have had much invested in this marriage ).
So what - he's entitled to his feelings, and it's rare to actually be able to voice them. Whether they are true doesn't really matter. The relationship is over, he's had his say, you seem happy to have moved on. End of.

Margaretmatcher · 29/03/2022 08:44

He didn't want to talk he wanted to lecture you on how awful you are, which he did. Now you know the error of your ways he would like you to go back and perform better. Now you know what it's like to be free of this knob you can carry on enjoying your new life.

Original poster
seamonkeys · 29/03/2022 09:11

Thank you all. I should've said even though he's calling it 'housewife' we actually weren't married. The wedding was cancelled due to COVID.
I'll never give up anything because I trust a man again. I wish I had kept my career, because he's keeping the house as he can afford it and I can't.
I admit going on tinder was wrong, but it was after he had told me he was moving out and said he'd had viewings of flats and houses! I know it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction and I had no intention of meeting anyone on there, but he had told me it was over. Then used it months later as a 'reason' why it's over.
I didn't actually ask him to tell me these things, he said he wanted to 'chat to either get closure or see if there is anything salvageable'
It was quite literally just reeling off everything I did wrong. I was that taken aback I didn't really have my say!

OP posts:
Sprucewillis · 29/03/2022 09:24

You don't have to listen to it OP Thanks

JohannSebastianBach · 29/03/2022 09:33

I personally wouldn't bother trying to have your say.

He's convinced himself all this is true, probably because it means he doesn't have to examine his own behaviour.

Try not to let it bother you. You sound like you have healthily moved on. Live your life and be happy.

Original poster
seamonkeys · 29/03/2022 10:31

Thank you Thanks he's made me feel really guilty about seeing the other man (he doesn't know that I am) he's saying he isn't talking to anyone else, isn't interested etc and if I'm seeing anyone then there's no chance at all for us as I "cared even less then he thought if I can move on" I haven't seen the other man for a couple of weeks and he's asking to take me out for a meal tonight while ex has our baby to take my mind off it, but I don't know whether to go or not now.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 29/03/2022 10:43

@seamonkeys Oh dear he's a really manipulative idiot isn't he? If you were 'so awful' as a wife and mother why is he upset you've moved on with your life? He really is a chauvinist pig! Go out to dinner take your mind off him and spend it with an emotionally mature man.

Gowithme · 29/03/2022 10:52

It's all irrelevant he's just clutching at straws to make you feel guilty and go back to him.

Crazy that even though you've split up and moved out he still expects you not to see anyone else. If he wants to know just tell him truth, you're doing nothing wrong.