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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

irritated by MIL

41 replies

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 21:41

Minor but OH is of course not interested in discussing it with me anymore because 1) it’s his mum 2) it’s his mum...

I have one DC with my OH, her son, and I make the effort to see MIL every couple/few weeks. She has two daughters with a combined amount of 6 GC children in total, including my DD. I understand that she’s going to be closer to her daughters and their children because that’s usually how it goes.. I’m close with my mum so don’t necessary rely on MIL or spend as much time with her as her daughters probably do.

However, and this is where I’m irked. EVERY single time I see her, she spends majority of the time I’m with her talking to me about her GC from her 2 daughters rather than paying attention and spending time with her newest GC (my DD). She makes me watch endless videos on her phone, shows me photos, tells me about all of their achievements eg, ballet competitions, spelling tests, goals scored at football, swimming. I have to listen to what they got up to that week, where they went out, what they did that is ‘new’ etc etc.

AIBU to feel completely irritated about this and want MIL to pay some attention to my DD?

There’s only so much ‘ahh bless her/him’, ‘oo that’s amazing’ that I can do. I feel so rude not to entertain the conversations and it’s lovely she feels so much pride as a granny but it’s got to the point where I’m a bit apprehensive to meet up again if that’s all shes going to talk about.

If IABU then I’ll reluctantly suck it up
If IANBU what would everyone else do in my situation?

OP posts:

BrightonBunny · 28/03/2022 21:43

Why are you forcing this relationship? Let OH take DC to see her and he can be bored senseless instead, whilst you do something far more interesting like have a nap on the sofa/read a book/meet a friend for lunch/go to cinema.

RandomMess · 28/03/2022 21:43

Leave it to OH to take DD to visit his Mum in his non-working time and ensure it. You tag along every 4-6 weeks.

Mummy1608 · 28/03/2022 21:43

I make the effort to see MIL every couple/few weeks.

But why? Honestly, don't bother

BurntEnds · 28/03/2022 21:45

Stop trying so hard and let DH do it if he can be arsed. Bet he can't.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 21:45

Why not leave the management of relationships with his family to dh?

grapewines · 28/03/2022 21:47

YABU to keep going there. One set of grandparents didn't give two shits about me and sibling. Yet we had to go there for visits because family. Don't do that to your child.

Original poster

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 21:50

The reason I bother is because what @BurntEnds says.. OH can’t be bothered most of the time. He works 6 days a week so most Sunday’s are our family time as a 3. I’m working PT at the moment and MIL doesn’t work so it only seemed fair that I make the effort every so often.

I want our DD to have a relationship with OH’s side of the family, they’re her cousins/family after all, so do I just have to suck it up and deal with it or should I say something? I just feel that would make things terribly awkward between us and of course the sisters who she will inevitably tell...

OP posts:

JosephineMarchingOnwards · 28/03/2022 21:51

How old is your DD?
Could it be that - if still baby/toddler - she simply isn’t as interesting yet?
(ie/ just doing normal stuff like learning to walk & talk?)

And do you ever see your SisIL and their kids? Maybe MIL feels she is just keeping you informed on family news because you and DH don’t see them independently?

Mummy1608 · 28/03/2022 21:51

MIL cam visit you if she wants.

I wouldn't say anything. Just stop going especially without your dh there

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 21:53

You give them far too much value op. Much more than they give your dc...

BrightonBunny · 28/03/2022 21:56

OH can’t be bothered most of the time.

So why on earth are you bothered? So what if MIL tells SILs you don't visit as often. Just say you and DC now do lots of toddler groups and stuff.

Seriously you are allowing this to become a problem when it really doesn't have to be. I wouldn't say anything, just cut back on the contact. If DH complains, he can visit.

Original poster

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 21:59

@grapewines

YABU to keep going there. One set of grandparents didn't give two shits about me and sibling. Yet we had to go there for visits because family. Don't do that to your child.

So sorry to hear this. The thing is, MIL invites me out because she wants to see DD, she texts so often asking how she is, is delighted when we walk through the door and then all of a sudden it’a yadda yadda about her other GC. I do feel that she really loves and cares for my dd otherwise I would not be seeing her at all.

OP posts:

DuggeeHugPlease · 28/03/2022 22:04

I'd find that annoying too but being generous yes perhaps she does just think she's keeping you up to date on the rest of the family.

I really don't understand the people saying leave it to your DH to see MIL and don't make any effort yourself. If you only have 1 day a week for spending together as family time I can totally understand you facilitating the other family relationships during the week when you have time. I do the same and try to visit both sets of family in the week so that our weekends are free for (immediate) family time. I would think it petty to say I'm only going to take my children to see my family.

JosephineMarchingOnwards · 28/03/2022 22:06

Just wanted to add I think it’s really good of you to maintain contact with OH’s mum when he can’t be bothered - and I think it will be good for your DD as she gets older
And - thought, is it possible that your MIL is just not too good at ‘polite’ social interaction, and hasn’t a clue that it’s not a 2-way thing?

Maybe she tells her daughters all about YOUR DD following your visits…?
Even if you end up making fewer visits, or maybe just shorter ones (as I quite get this is irritating) I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her why

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 28/03/2022 22:08

YANBU how bizarre and irritating.

You say:
I understand that she’s going to be closer to her daughters and their children because that’s usually how it goes.

In my experience the former is true naturally but absolutely not the latter.

Original poster

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 22:09

@JosephineMarchingOnwards

How old is your DD? Could it be that - if still baby/toddler - she simply isn’t as interesting yet? (ie/ just doing normal stuff like learning to walk & talk?)

And do you ever see your SisIL and their kids? Maybe MIL feels she is just keeping you informed on family news because you and DH don’t see them independently?

@JosephineMarchingOnwards

Dd is 8 months old, so yeh perhaps but her other GC is 1.5 so there’s not too much difference, yet she just shows me videos of them at the park or him dancing to his favourite song.

I see Sil’s occasionally, once/twice a month maybe. There is always a family party so I tend to catch up with them there more so than one to one. If it was a major thing and now and again I would quite happily listen and get involved with the conversation. Interestingly sil’s never talk about their kids with me 😂

OP posts:

Theworldisfullofgs · 28/03/2022 22:12

What else does your MIL have going on in her life? Could it be that this is what she finds easiest to talk about?

RandomMess · 28/03/2022 22:16

It may be that the DGC are her only topic of conversation.

Ask your SIL if she talks to them about your DD because all you hear and see is xyz

SanFranBear · 28/03/2022 22:21

My MIL is the same but it's her grand niece who she obsesses over. I'm sat there with my frankly awesome DD and fab DS and I get to watch videos of what GN has done and what 'hilarious' (read mundane) things GN has been up to and what she's said and how she wore her hair and arrrrgh! She once interrupted herself as GN had stood up in the other room and she felt she needed to point it out to me

My MIL is really lovely and I don't for one second think she's really aware of it but it smarts a little. My DD, in particular, thinks her Nanny is the best Nanny there ever is and whilst she's almost a teen now, utterly adores her. It's bizarre to see MIL just sideline her in favour of GN...

litlealligator · 28/03/2022 22:25

Honestly it's probably just a really bad effort to bond with you about a mutual interest and I doubt she realises how frustrating she finds out. You and her have one key thing in common: her grandchild. She probably thinks therefore that grandchildren are a great topic of conversation with you.

maddy68 · 28/03/2022 22:26

She's just showing you other members of the family she assumes you are as Interested. She is probably doing the same to your sil with your daughter.

Get over yourself. She's making conversation. It's not a competition.

Holly60 · 28/03/2022 22:26

I think it’s interesting that you think that grandmothers feel closer to the children of their daughters. In my experience of myself and my circle of friends, as well as remembering how my own mother and granny felt, this is just not true.

I love all my grandchildren equally and there is absolutely no distinction between my son’s children and my daughter’s. In fact in some ways I have a little soft spot for one of my son’s children that has to do with something else entirely (but It’s only a minor soft spot and I’d never In a million years let it show)

I wonder if you are letting this assumption colour your beliefs about the way she speaks about her grandchildren. Are you sure she doesn’t spend all her time that she’s not with you boring anyone who will listen about how wonderful your daughter is? I know I tell my daughter in law and son all about their nieces/nephews, but then when I see my daughter and SIL I tell them all about THEIR nieces/nephews. I can’t help it - I just love talking about them all

eldora · 28/03/2022 22:31

That’s very annoying and you should deal with it but it doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Just change the subject when she starts, or get up and pick dd up and make a fuss of her. Or each time she starts about the other GC, you say ‘ah bless’ and then talk about dd’s latest cute thing.

Train her out of it.

Original poster

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 22:34

@DuggeeHugPlease it just made sense to me to do it this way as well. Dd is constantly changing and so I do love the fact that when we look back we have pictures/memories of her with OH’s side of the family too. Would be interesting to know whether she would do this with OH if they were alone with DD but also at the same time I don’t think he’d even notice 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

xenajaz · 28/03/2022 22:37

@JosephineMarchingOnwards thank you, yes I agree.

It could be that she talks about dd to her own daughters. I hadn’t actually thought about that! I suppose because there’s 5 other GC it just becomes relentless hearing about what they’ve got up to constantly, when I’m there for her to spend some quality time with my dd. That sounds rather selfish I know.

OP posts:

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