irritated by MIL

[xenajaz]

Minor but OH is of course not interested in discussing it with me anymore because 1) it’s his mum 2) it’s his mum...

I have one DC with my OH, her son, and I make the effort to see MIL every couple/few weeks. She has two daughters with a combined amount of 6 GC children in total, including my DD. I understand that she’s going to be closer to her daughters and their children because that’s usually how it goes.. I’m close with my mum so don’t necessary rely on MIL or spend as much time with her as her daughters probably do.

However, and this is where I’m irked. EVERY single time I see her, she spends majority of the time I’m with her talking to me about her GC from her 2 daughters rather than paying attention and spending time with her newest GC (my DD). She makes me watch endless videos on her phone, shows me photos, tells me about all of their achievements eg, ballet competitions, spelling tests, goals scored at football, swimming. I have to listen to what they got up to that week, where they went out, what they did that is ‘new’ etc etc.

AIBU to feel completely irritated about this and want MIL to pay some attention to my DD?

There’s only so much ‘ahh bless her/him’, ‘oo that’s amazing’ that I can do. I feel so rude not to entertain the conversations and it’s lovely she feels so much pride as a granny but it’s got to the point where I’m a bit apprehensive to meet up again if that’s all shes going to talk about.

If IABU then I’ll reluctantly suck it up
If IANBU what would everyone else do in my situation?

@Theworldisfullofgs @RandomMess yeh I suppose her life is consumed with family 90% of the time so that’s oc her biggest hot topic of conversation

For what it’s worth also, my own mother used to spend loads of time telling me what my sibling’s children had been up to. She would also tell me what my sibling was doing, what their new kitchen looked like, what they were planning for the holidays. My granny did it to me too. I’d ring her on a pay phone from uni and she’d spend the first 10 minutes telling me what my cousins were up to. I already knew because I was in touch with my cousins but I would humour her and make interested noises, because she was my granny

What does your mum think about it? You say you are close so you might be able to get a different perspective from her?

@SanFranBear I feel your pain! As I said in the OP it is minor but irritating all the same!

It’s not selfish to want her focussed on DD when you are there. Maybe just keep gently guiding her back to your DD every time - tell her annecdotes, talk about milestones, show her videos etc.

I disageee with those telling you not to bother going. You are absolutely right to go every few weeks to try and build on this relationship for your DD. She is only 8 months so at that age your MIL prob doesn’t really feel connected well with her as she does the others. Maybe she is showing you these achievements to sort of show off what a good granny she is in the hope you will see her as such.

I think it is far too early to conclude that she isn’t interested in your DD.
You need to take the lead by showing you trust her eg ask her to watch her while you nip out for half an hour or encourage her to be involved with crawling or talking lessons

@Holly60

It’s not selfish to want her focussed on DD when you are there. Maybe just keep gently guiding her back to your DD every time - tell her annecdotes, talk about milestones, show her videos etc.

I agree, not selfish at all. You sound like a lovely person… but I think MIL is probably doing her best too, and will end up having a stronger relationship with your DD because of your visits.

I found it quite sad that the first few posts/replies you got were from people saying don’t bother to visit rather than suggesting helpful ways to improve things.
I hope that some of the later replies have shown you that MIL behaviour is very normal for an older person without many other topics of conversation and maybe reassured you that your DD is just as important to her as her other GCs.

Some great advice above from Holly.
And maybe encourage her to interact and play games with your DD while you are there, or perhaps read her a story if she’s a bit old to sit on the floor etc (I’m sure you probably take toys with you so sorry if it’s obvious but lots of people don’t think to read books apart from at bedtime). If she is busy interacting with your DD she won’t be able to bore you with as many tales of the other GCs.

My own mother loves my kids loads but didn’t know how to play with them when they were very small (siblings and I had children later in life). But I had to suggest things… like all of us sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth. My DM would just sit and have a cup of tea and a chat, while watching me play with them otherwise.

@Holly60 oh sorry what I mean by ‘closer’ is that ime (myself, my sis, my friends) it’s easier to go to mum first rather than mil for things like help, advice, babysitting (I know this may not be the case for a lot of people) and so mum will get to see gc that bit more than mil. Not to say I would never go to MIL but it’s just naturally that bit more comfortable going to my own mum.

She could well be talking about my dd to my sil’s, another PP mentioned this! Definitely something to take on board.

Thank you for your advice (I’ve read your other posts too) it’s a good idea and appreciated.

I haven’t actually asked my mum about this topic yet. I seem to forget about it by the time I’m seeing her (I saw MIL today which is why it’s bubbling under the surface). But that’s a good idea to seek counsel from my mum, she’s pretty good at making things make sense to me.

@eldora thank you that’s really good advice. I will definitely try it!

@blubberyboo

Maybe she is showing you these achievements to sort of show off what a good granny she is in the hope you will see her as such.

A really great point. Thank you for the advice

DH has a sister. She moved up to the north-east a few years ago - long story but she was gay when I met DH then met a bloke and they got married and he is also from up here so she moved here too. DH and his family lived in Yorkshire.

Anyway, after I had DS1 and was pregnant with DD and she had her first DD, PIL decided they were also moving up here with DH's grandma. We all lived sort of 10 minutes from each other in a triangle. I wasn't very happy to begin with - am an only child and my parents are dead and I felt we were going to be overwhelmed by DH's family.

I was determined to maintain a bit of distance and our own life. It hasn't worked out quite as I expected. SIL and BIL had another baby and she really had mental health issues and it put pressure on her relationship with PIL and, to a lesser extent us. They have just moved to the north of Scotland for at least 3 years.

We are left with PIL and grandma and I have got used to them being around and they are great with DC (we have 3 now) and a huge help to us. We see them at least twice a week and DH and I would have no time for just us if it wasn't for them. I feel sorry for MIL who was very close to SIL and has been distanced massively- to the point if an occasional imessage . I think/hope SIL will regain her health and re-build her relationship with her parents but she has really struggled and jumped at the chance to move away where she could start again. MIL has not really spoken about it but was very emotional when I went round yesterday afternoon and she said a little bit to me in the kitchen. I hadn't realised how upset she is. She is always telling me about SIL's two children and how clever, funny etc they are. I think they are a bit of a substitute for her lost relationship with SIL- but it's all just a few texted photos and words.

FIL is equally upset and I know has talked to DH. I haven't asked either of them- she's their daughter and I don't want them to talk about it unless they choose to. So , just saying things are not always as they might appear to be or as you assume they should be between MILs and daughters- I never thought my MIL and SIL would end up like this.

I often see MIL during the day with DS2 for lunch or a coffee and a walk - could you do something like that, go out with her? I find that provides a talking point so the focus is on DS2 and him chatting to her or him on his bike or what he's eating/been doing at nursery.

@JosephineMarchingOnwards oh definitely, I’ve had some really fab advice on here so thank you. I don’t mind making the effort with my in laws at all, I want dd to be close with her whole family but was feeling a bit miffed because dd is at (ime) a really fun age and I want mil to experience all these great things before they inevitably go and dd starts doing something else!

I’m going to try and change topic, get mil involved in some games with dd like you have mentioned next time I go around and see if this makes a difference. Im so hoping it will

My mum hasn't got any other grand children yet but she sounds similar to your MIL in that the bulk of her conversation is about what our relatives have been doing. It can get a bit dull to be honest, but I imagine she talks to them about the uninteresting details of our live too.

What helps me is to invite her out somewhere rather than sitting in the house chatting. Walks, zoos, parks, play cafe, soft play, farms or even just going shopping somewhere. We have something to engage with and talk about instead of just other people.

My PIL are a bit like this. We don’t live near them so it’s natural that they are closer to the GC they live near to. However, whenever we visit all they talk about is how brilliant their other son’s DC are.

Even when we play a card game, we’re told how brilliant DGD (11) is and how she always wins, whatever game they play. She isn’t, she’s just good at cheating 🤣.

To be honest I don’t even think they realise they do it, my DS2 who is 15, is always being compared to DGS (13) who plays piano, acts, swims etc etc etc and as a result DS2 distances himself from them, whether they visit us, or we visit them to the extent the only time he’s around them is at mealtimes. I have spoken to him about this, and he said it doesn’t upset him, it’s just that he finds the whole thing a bit boring and deluded.

An example was when we were summoned to visit to see DGS in his acting debut at the local theatre as he had a ‘major’ part, and had beat hundreds of hopefuls. The whole family turned up with grandparents telling anyone in hearing distance that their grandson was in the play, only for it to become clear we had travelled nearly 200 miles to see DN in a part so minor, he was only on stage for less than 10 minutes and didn’t have a single line!

Be grateful it's just the cousins you need to keep abreast of. My MiL updates us about relatives weve never met, her neighbours, people who were once her neighbours and their children and grandchildren (who are all very clever and doing terribly well). I'm sure some of the poor fuckers get regaled with tales of us as well. Some people love this kind of talk.

I could have written this, I made all the effort when DD was young. DH works 6 days a week and I also felt it was up to me to make the effort as he was busy and I was on mat leave or working PT, I did it for about 2 years, every time had to sit there and listen to what SIL was doing and DN. Not that I mind hearing about them but it felt like constant comparison. I eventually stopped after we had arranged to meet at MIL house and go to the park with DD, she messaged me in the morning to say she had now agreed to watch DN and could we change the time we were going to the park as that didn’t work for DN schedule. I said no, changing it didn’t work for us, it would have effectively meant walking to the park with DD sleeping, so waste of time IMO. I said I’d pop in at the planned time and take DD to the park myself. I never made another arrangement with her.

Instead I told DH he would have to make arrangements which he said was fine, though like most, it’s not a priority to him and he is rarely available. So now when he or wee see them they complain for the first 10 minutes “we never see you” “we’ve not seen you for ages” yet they also don’t make any effort to make arrangements to see us or DD. SIL actually said to DH a few years ago when they were out together that it’s a “shame” MIL doesn’t get to see DD much. DH made it clear she can see DD whenever she wants but never makes an effort. One Christmas MIL asked what to get DD for a gift and DH said she would actually probably enjoy a little day out and to spend time with her. The response was “don’t be ridiculous, I need to give her something to open” I’m not sure how much more blatant you can be than to actually tell your mother your daughter would like to spend time with her. But she doesn’t make any effort and then acts wounded when DH doesn’t visit as often as would suit her.

Nothing has changed in the comparison stakes either. DH was there at the weekend and when asked where I was he told her I was at a class, to which she responded “SIL does classes too, she does them 4 times a week…” and proceeded to rattle off SIL timetable. You can’t make someone be interested and I’m not going to waste my time around people who aren’t bothered. DD will soon be at an age where she doesn’t want to go and would rather be with friends and there will be more complaining no doubt.