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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be asked about my fertility by MIL

42 replies

sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:16

Hi all

Just wondering how to approach this. I am waiting for surgery at the moment and to find out what my fertility looks like. It’s been a long wait and I’m shattered from it to be honest.

Whenever I see my partner’s mum, without fail, she’ll ask me for updates when we’re alone. The first time I met my partner’s newborn niece, she asked me in front of SIL if I thought I’d be able to have a baby. SIL knew nothing of my condition before that, and I was literally holding a baby when she asked. Thing is, I was too startled to be annoyed and I think the fact that I’ve chatted to her openly about it means she thinks I don’t mind every time. In reality it makes me feel like crying.

Not sure how to approach this as she’s a nice person generally and I have never really got beyond the pleasantries stage with her. I feel like maybe she thinks she’s being supportive? But it’s not really something I want to discuss in front of the world and his wife or at family events.

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 28/03/2022 17:18

Your partner needs to have a word with her.

namechange30455 · 28/03/2022 17:18

Can your partner have a word with his mum?

Chloemol · 28/03/2022 17:19

You ask your partner to speak to his mum and tell her to stop asking you anything about it, either privately or in front of people

But likewise you stop talking to her about it

If she dies t just say firmly it’s private and I am not discussing it

CounsellorTroi · 28/03/2022 17:19

It really isn’t any of her business. I would tell her so, gently. And asking you in front of other family members is really not on.

Hospedia · 28/03/2022 17:21

Do you generally get along? If so I'd just say to her in private that you're finding it all a bit stressful/upsetting right now so you'd really rather not talk about it and you'll update her (if you want to) once you actually have news but in the meantime the subject is off-limits.

Chikapu · 28/03/2022 17:21

Thing is, I was too startled to be annoyed and I think the fact that I’ve chatted to her openly about it means she thinks I don’t mind every time.
Not sure how to approach this as she’s a nice person generally and I have never really got beyond the pleasantries stage with her

Those two statements are a bit contradictory. If you've been open with her about it then she's going to think it's an ok topic of conversation. If you don't want her bringing it up then stop telling her about it, just say there's nothing new to say and change the subject.

Opal93 · 28/03/2022 17:22

A direct approach is the only way here. Just say politely but firmly (or ask your oh to) “It’s a bit raw at the moment and it’s just hard to talk about, if you wouldn’t mind laying off on the baby talk/questions atm. We are sure you will understand” Like you say she probably has assumed because you appeared to be on with it that time that you don’t mind but by saying something along those lines gives the message loud and clear that it’s not ok

RiojaRose · 28/03/2022 17:22

Asking about someone’s fertility is really intrusive! It’s one thing, if you bring it up first, to ask how things are going. Completely unacceptable to ask you personal questions in front of other people.

I think you probably need a stock answer, like, “That’s between me and Mike,” and repeat like a broken record if necessary. No need to worry about being rude to her, since apparently she isn’t worried about being rude to you by asking personal questions!

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 28/03/2022 17:22

You just need to tell your partner to shut her up..........

BloodyloveGeorge · 28/03/2022 17:23

Get your DP to have a quiet word.

Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:23

@namechange30455

Can your partner have a word with his mum?
She always, always asks when he’s not there, annoyingly. I suppose because she sees it as women’s business.. I’ve told him about it and he sort of groans about her but I don’t think he takes on board the effect of it. I feel awkward asking him to speak to her on my behalf tbh but maybe that’s the answer
OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 28/03/2022 17:23

"I do not want to discuss my private medical issues. I'm sure you understand."

And then walk the hell out of the room.

diamondsare4ever00 · 28/03/2022 17:23

Oh OP! First of all sending hugs and really hope that all will turn out well for you!

I agree you shouldn't have to discuss the situation with anyone if you don't want to .. I think maybe her your other half to talk to her & explain nicely all the above ..

diamondsare4ever00 · 28/03/2022 17:25

Or just tell her that the subject drains you and you'd rather take a break from discussions around the subject ? Xx

Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:25

@Chikapu

*Thing is, I was too startled to be annoyed and I think the fact that I’ve chatted to her openly about it means she thinks I don’t mind every time. Not sure how to approach this as she’s a nice person generally and I have never really got beyond the pleasantries stage with her*

Those two statements are a bit contradictory. If you've been open with her about it then she's going to think it's an ok topic of conversation. If you don't want her bringing it up then stop telling her about it, just say there's nothing new to say and change the subject.

I meant that I was open to her when she asked me that time, mainly because I don’t know her and SIL very well and part of me doesn’t want to be seen as difficult. I know that sounds silly.
OP posts:
OatmilkandCookies · 28/03/2022 17:25

I do think maybe she's getting mixed signals and I don't think it sounds malicious. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. Or gently advise you're actually finding it tough and uncomfortable to talk about.

Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:27

@Opal93

A direct approach is the only way here. Just say politely but firmly (or ask your oh to) “It’s a bit raw at the moment and it’s just hard to talk about, if you wouldn’t mind laying off on the baby talk/questions atm. We are sure you will understand” Like you say she probably has assumed because you appeared to be on with it that time that you don’t mind but by saying something along those lines gives the message loud and clear that it’s not ok
Thank you this is good advice, I don’t want to be touchy with her but I do want to be direct.

You’re totally right, I think I have given her the green light in a way and, because we’re not close, this has strangely become a kind of small talk for her!

OP posts:
RiojaRose · 28/03/2022 17:28

Much better to be seen as difficult than seen as a pushover, by someone who asks personal questions! Boundaries are good. If she has none, yours need to be stronger to protect yourself!

Chonfox · 28/03/2022 17:29

I don't think this is a case where your partner should bring it up with her, if you believe she thinks she's being supportive then that's likely to make things awkward and unpleasant. I would just tell her "oh I don't really like talking about it" and swiftly move the conversation on, rehearse it beforehand so you're comfortable getting the words out. If she's a decent person, like you say she is, then she'll get the message and tread more sensitively in the future.

floofycroissant · 28/03/2022 17:29

She asked me in front of SIL if I thought I’d be able to have a baby

This has all the subtlety and care of a brick to the face. She knew you were having complications.

Honestly I'd just politely ask her to not ask about the subject for the time being as it's quite a stressful and upsetting topic for you atm and reassure her that you'll let her know any news once you have it - if that's what you intend to do.

Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:29

@OatmilkandCookies

I do think maybe she's getting mixed signals and I don't think it sounds malicious. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. Or gently advise you're actually finding it tough and uncomfortable to talk about.
That’s true.

I am quite shy and have a tendency to be as amenable seeming as possible when I’m uncomfortable. I can see that this would have caused mixed messages.

Still, I found the bringing it up on front of SIL/around newborn baffling

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 28/03/2022 17:30

YABU not to just have a quiet chat with her and explain.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 17:30

Look her straight in the eye and tell her your dh has trouble getting it up...
I guarantee she won't even mention dc again.

Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:31

@Chonfox

I don't think this is a case where your partner should bring it up with her, if you believe she thinks she's being supportive then that's likely to make things awkward and unpleasant. I would just tell her "oh I don't really like talking about it" and swiftly move the conversation on, rehearse it beforehand so you're comfortable getting the words out. If she's a decent person, like you say she is, then she'll get the message and tread more sensitively in the future.
True, I am worried about upsetting her as it will be obvious I have moaned about her
OP posts:
Original poster
sunnierclimes · 28/03/2022 17:31

Thanks everyone for the advice.

OP posts: