To not want to be asked about my fertility by MIL

[sunnierclimes]

Hi all

Just wondering how to approach this. I am waiting for surgery at the moment and to find out what my fertility looks like. It’s been a long wait and I’m shattered from it to be honest.

Whenever I see my partner’s mum, without fail, she’ll ask me for updates when we’re alone. The first time I met my partner’s newborn niece, she asked me in front of SIL if I thought I’d be able to have a baby. SIL knew nothing of my condition before that, and I was literally holding a baby when she asked. Thing is, I was too startled to be annoyed and I think the fact that I’ve chatted to her openly about it means she thinks I don’t mind every time. In reality it makes me feel like crying.

Not sure how to approach this as she’s a nice person generally and I have never really got beyond the pleasantries stage with her. I feel like maybe she thinks she’s being supportive? But it’s not really something I want to discuss in front of the world and his wife or at family events.

Also agree DP could step up. He doesn't have to witness the conversation.

All he needs to do is have a quiet aside: "mum, please don't ask sunnierclimes about the surgery, she got enough on her plate atm. Talk to me anytime" etc..

I feel awkward asking him to speak to her on my behalf tbh but maybe that’s the answer

That’s the only answer.

But it’s not really something I want to discuss in front of the world and his wife or at family events.

But apart from that one time she’s asked when it’s just the 2 of you so it’s not really the world and his wife, she’s probably just trying to be supportive and has misunderstood her boundaries on the subject because you openly talk to her about it. I’m sure she’d understand if next time you just said ‘oh it’s a bit painful, I’d rather not talk about it and keep my mind busy elsewhere’ or something similar. YANBU, but I don’t think she is either, hopefully she will back off as soon as you say something.

Say so, tell her yourself. If you've talked about it before maybe thinks it is OK to do so infront how immediate family? It isn't OK in my opinion and I can understand why it would bother you or hurt you but you need to be bold, pick up the phone and say, 'I know you mean well but it's not an easy topic for me to talk about and I certainly don't want to discuss it infront of people so please don't raise it infront of others again'. See how she responds.

@Unsureaboutit9

But it’s not really something I want to discuss in front of the world and his wife or at family events.

But apart from that one time she’s asked when it’s just the 2 of you so it’s not really the world and his wife, she’s probably just trying to be supportive and has misunderstood her boundaries on the subject because you openly talk to her about it. I’m sure she’d understand if next time you just said ‘oh it’s a bit painful, I’d rather not talk about it and keep my mind busy elsewhere’ or something similar. YANBU, but I don’t think she is either, hopefully she will back off as soon as you say something.

She has asked me at family events too with people around, that was just the situation that stuck out for me.

But I do agree I’ve given mixed messages. Thanks

I think she’s also that she asks me so often, and a situation that is unchanged and ongoing. Sorry just had to rant a bit. I know the solution sits with me, in being a bit firmer with my boundaries.

Thanks again

I was very open with my MIL from the get go, I needed all the support I could get going through infertility, my MIL was one of my biggest rocks, she never pried but gave me a safe space to get it all out when I needed it. Maybe try sitting her down and being honest with her that for now you’re struggling? Just talk to her.

Not only do you need your partner to have a word, he needs to be specific: “You’re asking sumnierclimes about fertility every time you see her. The situation hasn’t changed since the last time you asked. And she doesn’t want to talk about it. If ever we do have a baby, I assure you you’ll find out as soon as we’re ready to tell you; but until then, you need to stop.”

If she doesn’t stop, he escalates it to “You need to stop, otherwise you’ll be the last to know if we ever have a baby.”

I agree your DH needs to say something. You might find she’s been happy to talk to all of her friends about it too if she thinks it’s ok to bring up at family gatherings

Next time she asks a simple “thanks for asking but I’m finding talking about it really draining right now. I promise I’ll let you know if there’s any interesting developments!”

‘I’d rather not talk about it’
‘I don’t want to discuss that’
Honestly, you just need to tell her to stop asking. Some people are just too stupid to realise that it’s a sensitive subject!

The other alternative is to give her far too much information about how medical procedures are carried out while she’s eating so that she never, ever asks again.

@Opal93

A direct approach is the only way here. Just say politely but firmly (or ask your oh to) “It’s a bit raw at the moment and it’s just hard to talk about, if you wouldn’t mind laying off on the baby talk/questions atm. We are sure you will understand” Like you say she probably has assumed because you appeared to be on with it that time that you don’t mind but by saying something along those lines gives the message loud and clear that it’s not ok

totally agree and have said almost exactly this to a friend when she was making unhelpful comments some years ago. I also explained to her that part of my coping strategy was compartmentalising. Out of the blue asking me questions when I'm not thinking about it makes it hard for me to carry on going to social things, as I end up being worried about being ambushed!

OP, I have first hand experience of this situation. My DH talked to his Dad who then must have had a word with her. Nothing was said again but she did give me a magazine article to read about acupuncture and infertility which I gently pushed back across the table to her and said no amount of acupuncture would unblock my tubes.
You do need to practise responses in case she raises the subject again. PPs have given good suggestions - polite but firm. We had a different medical issue years later which I did not want to discuss. To be honest I wish it had never been mentioned in the first place and I learned from that. I heard DH make it clear on the phone that we did not want this discussing when we next met, as we just wanted to have a nice weekend with them, not becreminded of this. MIL waited until DH was out of the room but then raised it. DH came back in more quickly than she expected- I had barely said anything but left him to deal with it which he did. If yours is persistent it might take more than one reminder.

You could be polite and say some of the things pp have suggested. Or you could go down the route I used to when I was pissed off and in the throes of ivf.

'Oh are we talking about sex lives? You go first? How is it?' Usually shuts them up

Bloody hell. Ask her some personal questions - does her husband need Viagra, does she wear Tena Lady pads, that kind of thing.

Seriously, though - tell your husband to have words with her

Don't ask your husband to have a word with her, you can speak for yourself. just talk to her and ask her not to mention it again because you find it intrusive.