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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting!?

39 replies

Scouse568 · 28/03/2022 10:30

I (35f) have been with my man (53) for just over 2 years now. I would say we are complete opposites but it works so well. I would genuinely marry the guy tomorrow. The only issue for me is his ex gf. He has downplayed the whole relationship with her, probably to make me feel better. I know a good friend of hers and know how much they were in love, they talked about moving away together and it was serious. I have got over that because I think he has been trying to make me feel better about things, he is sweet like that. I know they are still in touch and all I asked was that he was honest and open about it.

Drunkenly the other night I saw the conversations between them and she is way more involved in his life than I expected. They go out for dinner, send heart emojis, kisses on the end of txts and he got her a Valentine’s Day card. I asked him and he got very defensive saying “So what?”

He doesn’t think this is a big issue but to me it really is. Feel like I am sharing him with her and feel like if after 2 years that hasn’t changed it’s not going to. I would never behave like this with another man, I am happy with our relationship and am loyal. This just doesn’t sit right with me, am I being unreasonable? would other women accept this?

Thanks 😊

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 28/03/2022 10:32

Would other women accept this? Well, one of you IS the Other Woman.
Which one of you is it?

JackieWeaversLaptop · 28/03/2022 10:34

Do you accept this, OP? How do you feel about the situation?

Unanananana · 28/03/2022 10:34

Why are you wasting your time? 2 years?! He must be like a dog with two dicks.

Have some self respect.

CounsellorTroi · 28/03/2022 10:37

Good god no you are not overreacting. There are three of you in this relationship. You need to get rid.

Aprilx · 28/03/2022 10:37

You are being taken for a complete mug! Of course no self respecting woman would put up with this. Ditch this cheating arse.

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 10:37

So he’s in two romantic relationships and you’re trying to work out which of you is the other woman? Does it matter? He has another relationship and is it just sleeping with her, it’s a full blown relationship.

Original poster
Scouse568 · 28/03/2022 10:41

I don't think there is anything physical going on as we live together and I think I would know. It seems more emotional. I know everyone will think I am being naive but really don't get the sense he is cheating in a physical way. Still not ok with it and just want some reassurance that I am not over reacting

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2022 10:43

Basically he's dating her and sending her Valentine's cards.

You really are being naive, OP. The fact he didn't tell you about this says such a lot about him.

Original poster
Scouse568 · 28/03/2022 10:47

She has a bf too and they just stayed friends. But yeah I am just not comfortable with this. He has tried to reassure me that if they wanted to be together then they would but I just don't feel comfortable with their relationship/friendship.

The reason to reach out and get some other opinions is my ex husband cheated which is why I ended the marriage and I want to check I am not overreacting based on my past experiences. So be kind!!

OP posts:
Unanananana · 28/03/2022 10:48

You are underreacting. Aren't you worth more than the crumbs he throws you?

He'll keep doing it too. Until you stop putting up with it. He doesn't sound like a prize at all. Just a cunt.

Xpologog · 28/03/2022 10:57

There’s staying friends with your ex….. and there’s having dinner dates, send Valentines cards and heart emojis.
I suspect he’s keeping her on the back burner, as is she with him, so if you or her bf don’t work out …bingo.
I’d dump him.

Outwith · 28/03/2022 10:57

Totally under-reacting.

DrManhattan · 28/03/2022 10:58

@Unanananana
Spot on!

Anniefrenchfry · 28/03/2022 11:24

Completely under reacting, cmon op no one is this naive? He sends her valentines cards, has dates with her and they send each other kisses? What part of that is not cheating.

incognitoforthisone · 28/03/2022 11:31

I don't think there is anything physical going on

They're going out for dinner dates, OP. Of course there's something physical going on. He's cheating on you. People don't go on dates, send hearts and kisses and buy Valentine's cards with people they are 'just friends' with.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/03/2022 11:31

He won't choose who's more important to him, so you make the decision for him. Tell him to gtf and walk away with dignity.

JamSandwich89 · 28/03/2022 11:37

Leave him. Leavehimleavehimleavehim. His behaviour is appalling. He has zero respect for you. Leave him and don't look back.

NameGoesHere · 28/03/2022 11:37

You’re playing second fiddle. Move on from him.

Itsvalentino · 28/03/2022 11:38

No way would I stand for my DP sending another woman valentines cards, kisses on messages, taking her out for dinner!

Get rid of him OP, if they aren’t having a physical affair, its an emotional one.

Original poster
Scouse568 · 28/03/2022 11:41

Thank you everyone. I do think it's emotional not physical but I can't be part of that. I did say to him that I wish he had been upfront and not led me on or let my kids get involved when he clearly isn't over her. Devastated as I thought I had finally found a good one Sad

OP posts:
raspberrymuffin · 28/03/2022 11:42

Whether or not there's something physical going on it is not overreacting to object to your partner sending Valentine's cards to his ex!

Margaretmatcher · 28/03/2022 11:56

You don't think there is anything physical going on because you would know as you live together????well op you didn't know that they went out for meals together until you saw the txt. How do you know its not physical when they meet up. I would not put up with this behaviour at all sending a valentine's card and him saying so what? Set your bar a lot higher your deserve a lot better.

PhoboPhobia · 28/03/2022 12:01

Why did they break up?

TillyTopper · 28/03/2022 12:08

He's just playing you both along - you and her are back up for each other. I wouldn't stand for that, he either cuts ties (and proves it) or goes. I honestly would rather be alone than strung along (whether it is physical or not)

Philisophigal · 28/03/2022 12:09

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