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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends comments are unnecessary

78 replies

diamondsare4ever00 · 27/03/2022 20:12

Have known my friend for 11 years. We used to get on great however soon after she met her now DH things have changed. Don't know how to explain it but she's sooo above everyone ..
She always compares her life to everyone's and seems to think whatever they do as a couple is always the right/ best thing.

One example being after both of us had boys .. she used to say how the next one better be a girl as she wants one of each and how that's a "perfect family" (her words)

Anyway I just had a DD after my son and soon after she fell pregnant with her second .. well .. she's just found out that they're expecting another boy .. so during our coffee date she said that they're super happy and that her and her DH think that having 2 boys is the best! And how upset they would've been if they were expecting a girl .. "girls are awful and I would hate to have one .. can't stand little girls" "ohh and teenage girls who would want them .."

Ahhhmmm wtf? Saying those things to me as I'm holding my DD 🙈🙈

Might be my hormones but I've had enough of this whatever they do is just the best and that's it ..
she compared her car to mine the other day ( both 4x4) saying she's read that hers is better .. what was she expecting me to say to that?!!!
Am I going crazy? Is it my hormones & should I calm down or is this not a normal friend..?

OP posts:

Thumpkin · 27/03/2022 21:41

Sounds like this has happened about 1000 times with you being too nice to say anything, so next time you really must. Otherwise, don’t expect it to ever stop. Something observational and utterly truthful, such as ‘You continually put my achievements down and find fault. It’s negativity that I just don’t need in a friend.’ If she’s not apologetic / mortified, dump her.

DrManhattan · 27/03/2022 21:42

Why are you even friends with this person? Do you not think you deserve to be around kind and caring people? Tell her to do one. Life is too short.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 21:43

She sounds awful

arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2022 21:44

Two options...only two...

Dump her. You are getting no value from her as a friend. She's just making you feel bad.

Call her out on it. If you want to keep her as a friend, cos you think there's a nice person in there somewhere, you have to call her out on it. It won't stop otherwise.

MarmiteCoriander · 27/03/2022 21:47

This isn't a 'friend'!!! This is a sad, social climber who is unhappy in her own life! I'm assuming she is a grown women and not the teen she is acting like?

OP- what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Sounds like nothing other than put downs and rudeness.

You have 2 options- tell her the truth about her sudden turn arounds about 2 boys being better now and HER changing attitude since marrying, or cut ties and dont make contact.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 27/03/2022 21:49

@diamondsare4ever00

Yes. Recently I don't feel that I'm gaining anything from this friendship apart from going home feeling like shit 😂

But it's a shame as she's never been like this before. She was a very down to Earth sort of person. We both used to drive shit cars and would make fun of ourselves.. then we both got married / had children / DHs are both doing quite well with their jobs and all of a sudden it feels like a competition. 😩 ( well not all of a sudden .. it's been a few years )

I think what you mean is that “all of a sudden” the scales have fallen from your eyes, and now you see what she’s doing and the insidious nature of her bolstering her feelings at the expense of yours.

I also think that any attempt you make at stopping this while retaining her as a friend will be poorly received - she won’t take anything you say well. So you either need to prepare yourself for that and do it anyway, or slowly fade this ‘friendship’ out.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/03/2022 21:49

Everybody thinks the way they do things is better. Otherwise they'd do things differently. Most people wouldn't say anything which could be taken as criticism by the person they're talking to. Maybe she's feels confident enough in your friendship that she can say these things, in which case you need to let her know she's mistaken.

lobsteroll · 27/03/2022 21:51

Dump her

Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 21:54

She’s putting you down as she’s envious. The examples you gave highlight it. Particularly the house one. Sometimes friends jist grow apart.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/03/2022 21:55

Life is too short for this shit. Send her a text telling her you can’t see her as the continual put downs have shown her to be a deeply unpleasant individual and it is making you unhappy. Wish her well with her life and then block.

Even if you call her out on it and she apologises things won’t ever be the same again. Why would you put yourself through it?

Abaababa · 27/03/2022 21:57

The friendship has died. What’s left is a toxic, energy leeching dynamic. You deserve better than that.

But do be sure to call her out before you say ‘adios’. She probably had no idea what a moron she is, and you may even give her some much needed self awareness…or a reason to hate you even more. But whatevs, you need to dump her!

Quitelikeit · 27/03/2022 22:00

I would say ‘what do you mean by that’ or ‘how comes’ etc

Or you could distance yourself slowly

I guess you and your dh are doing better than them and she can’t quite handle it

GaspingGekko · 27/03/2022 22:00

I used to have a colleague like this. She drove me mad.
I honestly don't think it came down to jealousy in her case. I think it was part insecurity and part that she genuinely convinced herself that whatever she was doing was the best thing mixed with a lack of social grace to understand how comparing with someone else could be offensive.
I've equally come across others who used to gush about whatever they were doing like it was the best thing ever, but without the comparison to what you are doing it's just annoying, not offensive.

I haven't seen that colleague for years now, but I still occasionally look back and think of what I should have said to her. But all the comments came completely out of left field and would just leave me speechless at the time.

It sounds like you have a long friendship, I would mention this to her. That she can be as enthusiastic as she likes about having only boys, or driving her car, etc. But that comparing to you negatively is putting a strain on the friendship. If she doesn't change though I would back away from this friend if I were you

MadMadMadamMim · 27/03/2022 22:03

I'd be saying Oh stop it and grow up! Can you actually hear yourself? Every time you do this ridiculous, boasting comparison about things only you cares about I lose a bit more respect for you. If you want to have any friends at all left you need to stop behaving in this stupid, competitive fashion.

And honestly, I wouldn't care if that was the end of the friendship. At least she'd know why.

Original poster

diamondsare4ever00 · 27/03/2022 22:08

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts on it.

I'm meeting her in a few days so I'll be prepared to say something ... I can't hold it in anymore.
I want to enjoy my life and not feel like I'm in some sort of childish competition at all times. I honestly feel anxiety even when booking a holiday as I keep thinking what negative stuff will she say .. and wondering where she's going to book thats "better" 🙈 I feel stuck in a competition I don't want to be part of 🙈

OP posts:

BettyJDavies · 27/03/2022 22:08

Tell her sheds an idiot, and changes her mind mind than she changes her knickers. Why are you friends with this shallow fool?

minionsrule · 27/03/2022 22:08

OP if its any consolation I have a friend like this.
Always believes her choices/her lifestyle is the only way. If she has to change plans then obviously the new plan is fab and the original, whilst she stresses it was right at the time, the new plan is clearly righter 😅.
My eyes often go right back into my head

Herejustforthisone · 27/03/2022 22:10

She’s wildly insecure and fearful of perceived inferiority and is belittling your choices to bolster her own.

Pity her for it, but keep her at arm’s length. It’s not a healthy thing to be subjected to.

Juniper68 · 27/03/2022 22:14

@diamondsare4ever00

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts on it.

You could have fun with this

Tell her you're thinking of emigrating. Or world cruise. Anything elaborate.

TheGrinchsDog · 27/03/2022 22:24

People who do this are usually really unhappy inside whether they realise it or not.

It may be that she's trying to convince herself everything is wonderful and being pretty badly tactless about it or she might be trying to make herself feel better at your expense on purpose.

Either way it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end and I'd talk to her about it if it were me.

PiscesSt · 27/03/2022 22:29

Honestly, get rid of her now. I had a friend who turned the same way when she met her husband. Always competitive and never fun. I never missed getting rid!

Forumqueen · 27/03/2022 22:49

I had a friend like this and cutting her off was the best thing I’ve ever done.

Ohyesiam · 27/03/2022 22:58

She has very low self esteem and the only way she can feel ok is to put others down. But she’s not very perceptive or she would see that doing that just highlights her insecurities when part of what she is trying to do is cover them up.

But People like that are not good company, and I’d be looking to hang out with her a lot less.

Freshhel · 28/03/2022 07:35

She's an elevenerife!
Annoying as hell!!
You have my sympathies

Whereverilaymycat · 28/03/2022 07:53

I had a friend like this and we are not friends any more. As much as I knew why she was like it, I felt like a punchbag in the end. You can empathise and still remove yourself from a situation where you’re being treated badly. Took me many years and some shoddy treatment to understand that!

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