Is it my fault dd is like she is?

[Shitemum79]

Dd is just turned 18. She's always been hard work for want of a better term. I've always tried to be a friend as well as a mum and we are very close. But she is going through a tough time. Recently on anti depressants, struggling at work due to making silly mistakes and not been enthusiastic enough. Life is pretty tough at the moment. She's moody, has meltdowns and I bear the brunt of most of it. It's put immense pressure on mine and her dad's relationship and we walk on eggshells waiting for the next outburst
What upsets me most is how my family are reacting to it. My parents and siblings. They are pretty hard and ignorant to anything mental health related. Probably thinks she needs to get a grip, sort herself out and get on with work and stop causing trouble and upset. I'm far more liberal with my parenting over my sibling and my dd is much more open as a result.
But my mistake is I do everything for her. Always have. She never puts clothes in wash basket or brings dirty plates down. Over the years I've tried several tactics from punishment which makes life harder to begging.
Have found the easiest thing is to just keep on top of it and do it.
She's on the verge of been sacked from work.
I'm questioning her upbringing and wondering if I've caused this by been too lenient or whether it's all mental health related. Or if this is an excuse.
Would appreciate honesty however brutal. No idea how to change things cos it's never worked in the past.
I

@BigYellowTaxiT

Being a spoilt brat does not make someone autistic. I am so sick of every badly behaved kid being labelled as autistic on here.

I used to think this!

I don't now.

But my mistake is I do everything for her. Always have. She never puts clothes in wash basket or brings dirty plates down.

^

Down from where? Her room?

Is she a princess?

That's your problem right there, not making her accountable. Sorry to sound harsh but it's not surprising that she thinks everything should be handed to her if it always has?

Being a spoilt brat does not make someone autistic. I am so sick of every badly behaved kid being labelled as autistic on here.

^
Have to agree.

Sometimes it's just good old fashioned parenting that's needed.

Of course parenting impacts on the adults we become. It’s ridiculous to suggest it doesn’t. You’ve taught her that she doesn’t need to take responsibility because an adult always picks up after her. Unsurprisingly she is now struggling to hold down a job.

I have huge sympathy for you and your daughter. I am not a medic in any way at all. My daughter is 24 now but her behaviour was very similar to yours at that age and was, after literally years, diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I never knew it could present in children but it can. That diagnosis helped us understand her behaviour and we could adjust to life accordingly.

I'd just like to reiterate that I am not a medic but my daughter presented with similar issues. She takes medication and things have levelled out to a manageable level.

It would be worth consulting with her GP. I hope it all gets a bit easier for your family. My daughter loves music, maybe your daughter might be able to get a hobby or start some exercise to burn off some energy.

I'm sure she's a lovely girl and just needs time and support. Take care of yourself too, it's tough on parents having a child/young adult with problems. You need support too. Eat well, get some downtime for yourself and exercise, even if it's just a walk around the block. I neglected myself and it did me no good. Its evened out a lot now. Make sure you get support for you!!!

Thank you everyone so much. I appreciate all answers good and bad.

Sounds like permissive parenting had a part to play and she lacks resilience as a result. I was raised similarly and while I had a lovely open relationship with my mum, she was too soft and I similarly struggled at your DDs age. Gentle but tough love approach may work wonders. My mum had to do it with me and it had the desired effect (after my initial outrage waned ) sometimes we need a (encouraging but firm) kick up the arse.

Why do you think you can be her friend and her parent? Children need boundaries, and trying to be friends one minute then discipline/teach them the next is very confusing and potentially harmful

I would recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It’s really helpful in understanding behaviour and working out strategies to help and support (regardless of diagnosis). It’s particularly helpful for kids who are resistant to change or who have mood swings and meltdowns. My DD is much younger but it really helped us.

Also wondering about borderline personality disorder (and depression): the outbursts sound like emotional dysregulation. You say you are close but is this really an emotional dependency on you because she can't manage her own emotions?? does she need a lot of emotional support ?? Does she have completely disproportionate reactions to small disappointment or negative emotions??
Those suggesting she is spoilt or a princess or just needs to learn to tidy up/ operate the washing machine probably have little experience of this type of mental health issue.

@BigYellowTaxiT

Being a spoilt brat does not make someone autistic. I am so sick of every badly behaved kid being labelled as autistic on here.

I agree.

Why is the immediate go-to explanation for bad behaviour attributed to mental health issues and/or a medical diagnosis? Some people just aren't very nice for one reason or another - no medical reason for it.

I've always tried to be a friend as well as a mum

Such an eye rolling and cringy situation.

Regardless of anything else, whether DD has a condition or is just spoilt, being her friend was probably your first mistake.

Children need parents before they need friends. Parents (should) provide boundaries and structure in a way friends never will. Clearly that hasn't happened here.

@Gowithme

ASD wouldn't surprise me either - problems with executive function are extremely common.

It's not that you've done something wrong, in fact it's likely you've done a huge amount right. It's common for parents of children with ASD to be a lot more involved and helicopter/be an overly involved parent compared to others - but it's actually what has kept their child able to cope and function. My ds's assessor said I must have done a really good job for him to get to secondary school age with no one having previously picked up that he had ASD.

Picking up after her won't have 'made' her lazy or prevented her from learning life skills - how many lessons do you need to learn how to bring your plate downstairs or tidy up - it's not exactly rocket science!

I would wonder if this is the wrong job for her. She is not enthusiastic and one thing I know for sure is that if someone with ASD doesn't want to do something it's very, very unlikely that they're going to do a good job and are likely to be completely miserable doing it. I'd get her to think about why this isn't working and what she could do about it - does she just need to give herself more time? Could she ask for some advice and support? Does she need to write some things down to help her avoid making mistakes? Is she still wanting to do well at this job? Is there anything else she might want to look into doing instead?

I mean most of us are unlikely to do well in something we dislike and will probably feel miserable having to go to a job we hate every day. That’s just a normal reaction to doing things you don’t like.

I think the only way to get round this is talk to her. I realise you do everything for her because it’s easier but what if you just didn’t? If you didn’t wash her clothes? I’d show her how to use the washer then explain from now on she will do her own washing, and can ask you if she isn’t sure which cycle to use. These are life skills she needs and you’re doing her no favours making a baby of her.

I just mean like if you don’t wash her clothes then why is that a huge worry for you? They’re not your clothes. If you tell her to wash them and she doesn’t why is it your problem? I don’t even collect the washing of my 11 & 10 year olds’ from their bedroom, they bring it down and if it’s their kit for hobbies they put their own wash on. It’s not something you need to do for a late teen.