Is it my fault dd is like she is?

[Shitemum79]

Dd is just turned 18. She's always been hard work for want of a better term. I've always tried to be a friend as well as a mum and we are very close. But she is going through a tough time. Recently on anti depressants, struggling at work due to making silly mistakes and not been enthusiastic enough. Life is pretty tough at the moment. She's moody, has meltdowns and I bear the brunt of most of it. It's put immense pressure on mine and her dad's relationship and we walk on eggshells waiting for the next outburst
What upsets me most is how my family are reacting to it. My parents and siblings. They are pretty hard and ignorant to anything mental health related. Probably thinks she needs to get a grip, sort herself out and get on with work and stop causing trouble and upset. I'm far more liberal with my parenting over my sibling and my dd is much more open as a result.
But my mistake is I do everything for her. Always have. She never puts clothes in wash basket or brings dirty plates down. Over the years I've tried several tactics from punishment which makes life harder to begging.
Have found the easiest thing is to just keep on top of it and do it.
She's on the verge of been sacked from work.
I'm questioning her upbringing and wondering if I've caused this by been too lenient or whether it's all mental health related. Or if this is an excuse.
Would appreciate honesty however brutal. No idea how to change things cos it's never worked in the past.
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I have taught all 3 of mine basic life skills from a very early age - cleaning up after themselves, putting a wash on, making simple meals, personal hygiene, restricting wifi, clear red lines and boundaries. I had to as I was mostly alone and with 3 of them it would have been chaos.

DS1&2 are fine (18 and 14) but DD (10) is not. She has meltdowns, I have to wrestle her into doing everything from eating her food, going to the loo when she is desperate, getting dressed, doing her homework, going to sleep. It is a constant, exhausting battle that started when she was 4 and me and her Dad split up. This morning she has hit, kicked, scratched and bitten me because I forced her into the shower. It isn't always parenting. Sometimes it is the personality.

If she's about to get fired in work it sounds like she ignored their expectations to function in an adult way.

It also sounds as if, by doing everything for her, you didn't set (or enforce) expectations of her and she's stuck at about age 8. Unfortunately having tantrums at her age means she's spoilt. An (ex) friend of mine was never expected to do housework, got exactly what she wanted as a child and confided in me that she gave her Mother "a dreadful time" into her 30s by taking her frustrations about life failing to give her what she wanted out on her. Tbh I was disgusted by this admission.

You'd be doing her a great favour in getting firm now and saying "tough; it's what's expected of you, so do it".

The natural consequence of not putting washing in the basket is that it doesn’t get washed. No cups? She’ll have to wash one. Not cleaning her room? Let her live in the chaos

This. Autism or not, she has learned that she doesn't need to lift a finger. Mum will do it eventually. Time for change. Stash a few mugs/plates away for yourself if needed and let her discover that if she doesn't bring those plates down, there's nothing to eat from.

If her room festers then that's HER problem. Stop making it yours. It's nothing that a clear out and an open window won't sort, it won't cause your house to collapse so you do not need to do it for her. Same with the washing. It does not affect you if it isn't in the basket - you won't run out of clean pants will you?

My youngest was a nightmare. Going off to uni was my opportunity to clean all the crap out of his room. He hated me going in there but wouldn't keep it clean, I'd get to a point of you bring plates and glasses down or I'm going in.

Ten years on he has a good degree, a great job, a nice house and is very houseproud. Hard to connect him to the grumpy slob nightmare he once was.

Live in hope, it can get better.

So, you're both Mum and friend? Sounds more like you are your daughter's skivvy.
🤦

I agree with the suggestion to explore if she maybe Neurologically Diverse, ASD/ADHD inattentive is for a professional to assess along with her history.

Thanks everyone. Interesting answers.

You ask her to bring plates down, and she just says no? Or to get her clothes that need washing? And she just refuses? If she is NT, then I’m afraid you have done this, yes.

Tbh any time I read someone saying that tried to be their child’s friend, alarm bells go off.

Emotional regulation and general life skills are learned skills IMO. If children never get the chance to learn and practice them, then they’ll continue to exhibit immature behaviours.

I don’t think it’s easy to attribute those behaviours to either poor parenting or neuro diversity; they can both be routes to the same problem. But from what you have said my first thought would be a complete lack of boundaries and expectations for your child, rather than anything else; sounds like work isn’t prepared to put up with her nonsense and a few chickens are coming home to roost.

But my mistake is I do everything for her. Always have.

My children are 22 and 24, and your daughter sounds like some of their old friends, I'm sorry to say. No work ethic, zero life skills, no confidence, no coping skills. They were never expected to do anything and therefore never learned any life skills. Literally none. Sadly, this is the consequence of spoiling your daughter. Of course she's miserable and anxious, she can't even manage her own life without being led by the nose.

Could she have BPD if she is having meltdowns and suchlike?

I was a lazy-bones teenager and my mother did everything for me. But it didn't make me lazy at work.

I have had mental health issues for most of my life and it was there that affected my working life. I wonder if it could be that way for your daughter, too. My main problem was and still is, low self esteem. I never thought I was good at my jobs and it seemed to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hope your daughter kind undergo some kind of therapy to help her mental health.

@HMG107 your post resonated. DD developed anxiety and depression at about 15 which led to self harm. The cause appeared to be self esteem be abuse she always felt she didn't achieve her potential. Very well behaved at school and a high performer but not the cleverest. Your comments about the social side also resonate significantly.

Through a private consultant adolescent psychiatrist dd was diagnosed with ADHD, ADD variant. Once medicated she improved in leaps and bounds, aced her A'Levels and has now graduated from a rated Oxbridge College. She was also diagnosed with some asd traits but not sufficient for a diagnosis.

She will always have a tendency to anxiety and depression but can now manage this. She will always be a little quirky. She is in her first job, teaching in an SEN school and looking to do a sponsored PGCE. She would never have been ready for work at 18 and needed a gap year to steady herself and continue recovering.

Re the cleaning up to be perfectly honest I didn't do a hands turn 45 years ago and nor did my mother before me. My hidden haven't either. A combination of staff in my mother's day, dailies in mine and au-pairs and cleaners for my dc have meant that our expectation through the generations have been high in relation to our homes so when we have become responsible for them we have ensured they are maintained to exacting standards. I do a little cleaning and tidying; I wasn't brought up to but neither was I brought up to live in a dirty or untidy home.

I’ve got two neurodiverse children. They're very different and they’ve been parented differently because of this….it’s an interaction and kids can’t be parented exactly the same although I constantly had people telling me that they have been.

There’s absolutely no point coming on here and asking the opinions of people who don’t have neurodiverse children because don’t have a clue and you’ll just feel awful. It’s tempting to listen to them sometimes because they seem so confident and so sure that their methods will work. I can even feel like that about people telling me that I should be able to work full time and do this and that. You have to learn to have faith in yourself.

Someone said that your DD will spend the rest of her life having to learn what you should have taught her. Realistically, washing up and using the washing machine can be taught in a week.

It can be absolutely exhausting parenting autistic/adhd kids and we’re often neurodivergent ourselves. I blame myself all the time because that’s what caring parents do I suppose, but realistically I was just so so tired, depressed and ill that I couldn’t have done any more than I did.

Why ask for brutal criticism on here? There are some extremely harsh people on here. (I hate it but I’m addicted!) Never has parenting been so difficult….kids are brought up in an awful environment, they’re addicted to screens, there’s global warming, little chance of buying a house and yet we as mothers (usually mothers) are blamed. Please stop blaming yourself!

It sounds tough OP

Maybe you are a bit too involved? Around a bit too much? Always there to deal with the fall out, tidy things up, sort it all out?

I find it's been very beneficial to both my teens (17, 19) and myself to not always be av, have my own life and hobbies, I'm out a fair bit but also still there in the background, if that makes sense

Saying that, I am not a model parent , we all make it up as we go along don't we? You parent the way that suits you and your child

So maybe be a little less involved and let her deal with things a bit more by herself? Yea

Why does it matter whether you made mistakes in the past? What matters, surely, is that you do what's needed now?

Yes, she does need to be taught how to manage a home as we all live in homes. She'll be one day caring for a baby quite possibly, of course she needed to be prepared to be responsible for her immediate environment.

What matters now though is that you help her become a functional adult. Ask her to pay rent perhaps? Only a minimal amount? Like £10/week. She probably needs responsibility in her life.

Fault is neither here nor there.
What you need to find is a way forward that works for all of you, and this won't happen so long as you all continue to do as you always have.

First of all, ignore your family and anyone else who is critical of you. (I know that's easier said than done!) Criticism is highly unhelpful.

Secondly, enough focus on your daughter, what about you? Would you get some professional support for yourself? It can be difficult to have perspective on a situation when you are deeply involved so an outsider may be able to guide you in a way that can help you all make positive changes.

You list many difficulties. How about starting with just one thing, gentle encouragement to get your daughter to make one small positive change, then tons of praise when she does it.

You say it's easier to do things yourself but parenting is not about finding the easiest way, it's about teaching our children to become independent and useful citizens. And it does take work.

She sounds like a normal teenager to me - no need to 'label' her with a diagnosis.

I would start giving her a bit more responsibility around the house too including her laundry.

Her behaviour could be a cause of many things
Autism
Adhd
Being a over indulged adult that has no idea how to work because she has had a housemaid to pick up her clothes and wipe her backside.
Take your pick.

Being a spoilt brat does not make someone autistic. I am so sick of every badly behaved kid being labelled as autistic on here.

ASD wouldn't surprise me either - problems with executive function are extremely common.

It's not that you've done something wrong, in fact it's likely you've done a huge amount right. It's common for parents of children with ASD to be a lot more involved and helicopter/be an overly involved parent compared to others - but it's actually what has kept their child able to cope and function. My ds's assessor said I must have done a really good job for him to get to secondary school age with no one having previously picked up that he had ASD.

Picking up after her won't have 'made' her lazy or prevented her from learning life skills - how many lessons do you need to learn how to bring your plate downstairs or tidy up - it's not exactly rocket science!

I would wonder if this is the wrong job for her. She is not enthusiastic and one thing I know for sure is that if someone with ASD doesn't want to do something it's very, very unlikely that they're going to do a good job and are likely to be completely miserable doing it. I'd get her to think about why this isn't working and what she could do about it - does she just need to give herself more time? Could she ask for some advice and support? Does she need to write some things down to help her avoid making mistakes? Is she still wanting to do well at this job? Is there anything else she might want to look into doing instead?

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Suggesting the op's daughter would be in this circumstance regardless of anything the op has done is patent nonsense.

I just disagree. Outright neglect can have marked consequences, but if mildly ineffectual parenting was catastrophic humanity would have died out long ago. The truth is most children develop well if their basic needs are met by loving parents, which seems to be the case here.

Other children don't, even if their parents do everything right. In this case I suspect the parents have been walking on eggshells for years and yes, it wasn't the best way to manage their DD, but I think her underlying issues have shaped their parenting rather than the other way around.

This. Some people have problems with executive function. It's often seen in those diagnosed with autism or ADHD. I have one (very bright, verbal) DS with autism. The difference in life skills between him and his siblings is huge. Same parenting.

I don't know if your daughter is neurodiverse, of course, but those of us who do have ND children find that people do often blame the parents for their behaviour. Usually the people who do this are only familiar with parenting neurotypical children, and don't realise that what works for their child will simply not work for many others. So don't mind those who are being so very hard on you without knowing your DD at all.

You aay you have been walking on eggshells for years and she has depression so there are clearly issues here. Therapy is needed OP. You need to get to the root of her issues and then support her to manage them.

Best of luck with everything

Its really impossible for anyone to say anything either way.

It could be depression, asd and lots of other things.

Or it absolutely could be that she has never learned to do anything for herself and expectations others to pick up the slack.

If your family are usually good and supportive, then u would seriously think about what they are saying.

A 1000 people could say 'she sounds like me and I have XYZ' doewnr mean that does apply to her.

She sounds a little like my brother. His issue is definitely that mum brought him up with the expectation that he would earn alot of money and only move out when he was settling down and he would marry a woman whose ambition was to be a sahm/house wife.

In his late teens he struggled at work. He often had rages that impacted and ruled the whole household. Wouldn't do basic jobs like bringing plates down and putting washing away. He was a bit of a nightmare and I moved out at 19 (he was 24) because it was such a pain. He then bought his own house and things got slightly better.

But 1000 people can come and say their experience is that it's down to parenting. Doesn't mean in your dds case, it is.

@Booboobibles

Very well said.