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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’ve been such a mug 😢

35 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 26/03/2022 19:31

Been dating a guy for a few weeks numerous dates and we talk constantly when we can through phone and text. Neither seeing anyone else supposedly.

He was open when we met that he’d been in a long term relationship 10 years before that they’d bought a house together and we’re in the process of selling it after she cheated on him etc.

Stupid me fell for it. No issues on the dating front and then on Thursday after making plans for next week he told me that he was meeting his ex yesterday to discuss final decisions on the house that either she’d buy him out or they’d sell it.

Well yesterday happened and he rang me drunk saying they’d had a chat and that she wanted to move back in the spare room but not only that was he misses his old life and half of him wants her back.

I think he wanted her the whole time and I feel so used. Really liked him and honestly thought I’d met a decent guy. I’m not an idiot I know the moving in the spare room means they’ll get back together. It’s bloody obvious.

Do I wish him well by text or what? I don’t want to ghost him and be rude but I’m struggling what to say.

OP posts:

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 26/03/2022 19:34

If I'm honest, he does sound like a decent guy.

He has been honest, even though its not what you wanted to hear.

That doesn't mean you're due him a reply though.

He has done what is best for him, you need to do whats best for you.

Sorry you're feeling so shitty op, it's not a nice feeling at all

Lovemusic33 · 26/03/2022 19:36

You owe him nothing, I wouldn’t bother texting back.

Sadly this happens a lot, I have dated people that have then decided to give ex another chance, usually because there are kids involved.

You haven’t been stupid, you will find someone else. I no longer date people who are not fully divorced, I have met my fair share of men who are still sorting things with the ex (house, kids, money etc…), I now stay clear and just date men who have their shit together.

Haggisfish3 · 26/03/2022 19:38

I agree-I don’t think you’ve been a mug and he does sound decent. Emotions are messy and unpredictable.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 19:38

I am not sure he has done anything wrong.

He has dated. And tried to move on. But in seeing her, he realised he isn't ready and would get back with her if he can. Sometimes it's not until you see and talk ro a person you realise how much you miss them and the life you had.

So he has been honest with you and told you.

Its a shame, but I don't think either of you could have predicted this. I would text him and say that in the circumstances you don't want anymore contact. And leave it at that.

Haggisfish3 · 26/03/2022 19:39

I would message back and say you hope things work out but you don’t want to be involved.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 26/03/2022 19:41

Sorry I didn’t mean decent as in awful I meant decent as in that he wouldn’t treat me the way I’ve been treated in the past. If he wasn’t over the ex I wouldn’t have got involved. I knew they had a relationship and house. No marriage and no kids. He literally said he hated her for cheating and she was with the other guy. Probably all lies but at the time I fell for it. Just feel like a stop gap.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 26/03/2022 19:43

@Turningpurple

I am not sure he has done anything wrong.

So he has been honest with you and told you.

Its a shame, but I don't think either of you could have predicted this. I would text him and say that in the circumstances you don't want anymore contact. And leave it at that.

Yeah I don’t blame him. It’s me to blame I shouldn’t have gone there. I wasn’t the first person he dated after her either . I think I’ll just message saying I hope things work out and nothing else. I won’t be dating for a while though it’s completely put me off

OP posts:

Murdoch1949 · 26/03/2022 19:49

At the most text back wishing him well. Two sentences maximum, no kisses, no let's meet up in a few weeks. Save yourself.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 26/03/2022 19:55

If you do message back I would just say "All the best" and leave it there.

Genevie82 · 26/03/2022 19:59

Op, hold your head high! 😀… he obv respects you to be honest about the situation regardless of how crap it is! ..just be gracious and part on good terms. My friend had this experience years ago when a guy she was seeing did the same and got back with his ex… he realised it was a huge mistake and they’ve been married for 15 years. I’m not saying that’s happening here ! But sometimes men are idiots. Don’t feel like a mug, you’ve done nothing wrong xxx

Comedycook · 26/03/2022 20:01

text back..

"Who dis"

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 20:03

@CharlotteRose90

I don't think it was lies.

You aren't a mug. You really aren't.

eldora · 26/03/2022 20:03

You don’t owe him a response, let alone wishing him well.

Block and delete and ket him wonder,
.

Genevie82 · 26/03/2022 20:10

Ps, don’t get into any let’s be friends stuff though, cut him off now xx

sweetbellyhigh · 26/03/2022 20:12

There doesn't have to be anyone to blame as such, sometimes things don't work out and that's life.

It sounds like you both gave it a shot and now he's realised he wants to finish.

It's painful and you are allowed to feel sad. It doesn't make you a mug or him a bad person, it's just sad for you.

You don't have to respond to him, all you have to do is look after yourself.

Dating is brutal 😢

KalaniM · 26/03/2022 20:12

Get out of the way with dignity. You haven’t been a mug. People can be messy, even if they don’t mean to be. I like the suggestions of wishing him ‘all the best’ as an exit line.

SheKnowsWithoutKnowing · 26/03/2022 20:14

He's getting back with her but telling you she'll be in the spare room so you won't be mad at him and still carry on seeing him while he treats you both like mugs, luckily you've realised the bs before being sucked in.

No need to let him down kindly, just block

Cocomarine · 26/03/2022 20:16

@Genevie82

Ps, don’t get into any let’s be friends stuff though, cut him off now xx

Wise advice.

If I would suggest you did anything differently, with hindsight… it’s steer clear of a man who goes on about hating their ex. Just not ready to be dating.

But you’re not a mug - shit happens.

AtelierDuSol · 26/03/2022 20:43

@Comedycook

text back..

"Who dis"

BridgesofMadisonfan · 26/03/2022 20:47

So many separated men online.

I would just reply -

Thanks for letting me know.

Nothing else. I'd also get back online dating!

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 26/03/2022 20:49

Oh no we definitely won’t be staying friends. I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for. It’s fine it’s happened. I think he was ready to date again but when he saw his ex it brought up the old feelings. I just feel sad . We planned things for next week and the week after and I just feel stupid for actually getting my hopes up.

Me and my ex didn’t have loads In common but with him I did so it was to say let’s go here and there wouldn’t be an argument.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 26/03/2022 20:51

I wouldn't reply - you owe him nothing. You feel like he used you and he's done nothing to make you feel otherwise so why would you wish him well? Block, delete, forget.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 26/03/2022 20:51

I'd channel my 15yo and reply ok, k, or a thumbs up emoji

VladmirsPoutine · 26/03/2022 20:55

You aren't a mug and he did the right thing. A few weeks really shouldn't have your feelings thrown into a hurricane like this. Just reply back saying "Hope it all works out for you" and leave it at that. The most important thing and I can't stress this enough is to not be dragged into any potential psychodrama over him still loving her yet developing feelings for you and feeling lost and needing to meet with you to 'see'. That way madness lies.

bembridge11 · 26/03/2022 20:59

He is/was on the rebound
Block him
Move on
You deserve better

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