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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?

952 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 26/03/2022 13:12

Masses of confusion.

Husband spoke to GP yesterday morning and described his chest pain. He was advised to call an ambulance. My husband refused because he didn't think he needed one - thought he had chest infection or torn muscle.

He went to A&E - was sat in a corridor from 10.30am - he had ecg, x ray and blood test. He continued to sit on a chair in the corridor all day.

He was told he was waiting for blood test results. These came back at 6pm. Then he had to wait for a CT scan - then rushed to resus.

Dissected aorta from heart level to naval level.

I was called to be allowed to sit with him because I wasn't allowed to be in A&E. Was then told he was being blue lighted to another hospital an hour away for immediate surgery. I asked is this time critical? The answer was - yes life saving.

Paramedics arrived and told me to set off to this other hospital. There were three paramedics. One said 'I'm not taking him because I can't use that bit of kit, I'll lose my job if something goes wrong'. No advanced paramedics available and no doctor available to go in the transfer.

I was 15 min into the journey and then called back to the hospital.

No surgery.

Trying all day today to get him transferred. Nothing available.

He's critically ill.

I'm out of my mind with worry.

There's a saying about not being ill on the weekend. The standard of care is not the same. The 24hr cover appears to not exist.

I feel like we're being fobbed off with poor excuses big style.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Magnolia08 · 08/05/2022 11:08

He sounds quite confused and agitated op as well as his fluctuating temp I'd also be worried about sepsis.

I'd take olympics advice Flowers

olympicsrock · 08/05/2022 11:14

i am sorry @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche . He is being an utter nightmare.

at this moment he is not capable of making the right decision for himself .

this means that YOU need to take decisions out of his hands. Phone his hospital team ( not the GP) for help today ( not tomorrow!!!) . They are a 24/7 service and will want to know. Tell them what is happening. They can make the decisions .

He may have clostridium difficult diarrhoea , patients who have been run down and had long courses of antibiotics get this . It can be serious.

The hip/flank pain and diarrhoea could also indicate a further dissection or complications after his bowel ischaemia. This can be serious.

what I am trying to say is that you don’t take chances after what he has just been through.

he didn’t sound well enough to come home when he did as still very short of breath and is certainly isn’t well now.

DH is not in charge, you are.
You haven’t been through the nightmare of the last month to lose him now!

love and strength xxx

DFOD · 08/05/2022 11:17

He sounds very seriously unwell - try not to take the agitation personally but see it as one of the symptoms of his illness.

Agree with others you need to override him and seek professional opinion from the medics and then emotional and practical support from your adult children or other friends and family.

Take care of yourself

TotalRhubarb · 08/05/2022 11:33

Delurking, I’ve been following with sympathy, Op.

Has he been, or is he on, steroids for the pneumonia? They improve breathing, but are disastrous for mood and irritability. His temper and nastiness to you could be entirely down to them if he’s on them -they give some people a personality transplant very much for the worst.

I agree with pp that you should override him and report these symptoms to the hospital. It’s what’s in his best interest.

StampOnTheGround · 08/05/2022 12:08

So sorry things are still really difficult for you, I agree with others - you'll just have to overrule him and get him help regardless of whether he wants it.

Health is too important, it can't be just left as there are no second chances.

Take care of yourself as well x

Innocenta · 08/05/2022 12:09

I think you should definitely follow the advice from olympicsrock. I'm so sorry you're under all this stress, feeling so rotten yourself and that he's being as obstructive as he is. Hang in there. He needs to be back in hospital xx

Fraaahnces · 08/05/2022 12:11

Oh, that’s not on! I would simply call him an ambulance and let them take him to hospital regardless. Let them know you can’t and won’t look after him in this state.

Lougle · 08/05/2022 12:15

It might be helpful to think of it as your DH isn't there, right now. The illness has overtaken and he's not responsible for his words or actions. I'm the same way, he can't be responsible for health decisions. It is incredibly hard.

Theredjellybean · 08/05/2022 12:18

GP here... Call 999
He sounds septic, he should be tired, maybe irritable a bit, maybe a little short of breath when climbing stairs, after all he's been through.
But he should not have a temperature, he should not have diarrhoea and he should not be acting so oddly.
Please do not wait or discuss or negotiate
Call and say you think he has sepsis

greyinganddecaying · 08/05/2022 18:05

I'm sorry OP - I've been following this and you've really been through it.

He's being very unfair on you. Please do follow advice of others and ring the hospital to ask for their advice. Also ask for your children to help out more. It may not stop him being unpleasant to you, but at least you'll get a break from him.

alexdgr8 · 08/05/2022 18:25

Theredjellybean · 08/05/2022 12:18

GP here... Call 999
He sounds septic, he should be tired, maybe irritable a bit, maybe a little short of breath when climbing stairs, after all he's been through.
But he should not have a temperature, he should not have diarrhoea and he should not be acting so oddly.
Please do not wait or discuss or negotiate
Call and say you think he has sepsis

please OP, do this, if not done already.
all the very best to you and him.

SouperNoodle · 08/05/2022 20:50

I'm sending a handhold and a hug xx

SouperNoodle · 08/05/2022 20:50

I'm sending a handhold and a hug xx

Ishacoco · 08/05/2022 21:50

He really does not sound well at all, OP, and you sound like you're struggling. I don't have anything constructive to add - but a massive handhold from me.

InsolentAnnie · 09/05/2022 13:00

Hope you’re okay OP.

Innocenta · 09/05/2022 18:58

I hope today has been okay, MyOtherCar xx

Mumdiva99 · 09/05/2022 20:35

Just coming to say I hope you either got him a doc or he has improved. I hope you got lots of sleep too.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 10/05/2022 11:25

Blimey 😧
I hope you've managed to get some help. I can't believe they discharged him in the first place, he sounded like he was still porkier than he should have been post op.

Chillyjam · 10/05/2022 11:46

I have been following your thread, I hope you have managed to call 999 and get some help. He sounds very poorly still. If no one takes it seriously, ask ‘could it be sepsis’

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?
ChiswickFlo · 10/05/2022 11:49

Yep
Red flags for sepsis :(

ChiswickFlo · 10/05/2022 11:50

Yep
Red flags for sepsis :(

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 10/05/2022 12:19

By the end of Sunday I couldn't bear to be in the same room. He was being hateful and mocking me.

I'm so happy to be childminding my grandchildren and out of the house all this week. Just got two of them off to sleep at the same time which is unusual.

My son drove him to the GP yesterday - his temp was 37.8, they gave him antibiotics and asked for a stool sample. Feels like history repeating itself - the last one didn't show anything as it was a case of the dissection worsening. I don't think that my husband would've explained the whole scenario truthfully.

He was mumbling (effing and jeffing as we call it - otherwise known as swearing) something about his pillow being soaked through this morning. I've not attempted to take his temperature since the weekend. He's turned the heating up to tropical and the only room I'm comfortable in is my bedroom where the radiator is turned off and both windows are wide open - which suits me nicely. I'm staying out of his way.

His hacking cough is grating on me and I can't even manage to be bothered to ask how he is. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday.

My son is dropping in on him a couple of times during the day and keeping me up to date (spying). Normal, jovial 'lad' banter has resumed so I am well aware that the nastiness is not beyond his control. My son has told his father that he thinks he should apologise - I won't hold my breath.

He's a different person - nasty and aggressive towards me (for wanting to ring ward 27) and under no circumstances does he want to see the grandchildren for two minutes, but he's ok with his friends visiting. He's also gone very thin - can't stand thin, stick-like legs on blokes, much prefer the rugby player type 🤣

He messaged this morning to say he fancies something in particular to eat later on - pfffft.

Not a chance.

I tempted to say 'I'm done' - but I kind of know I'm not. I suppose I'm just done for now. 🙄

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 10/05/2022 12:24

I'm so sorry op.
He's being abusive to you and as you have realised it's just you not your son or his "visitors" so it is something he can control.
Awful for you.
I second asking about carers/care package.
If he can't even speak nicely to you let someone else who is paid deal with him...

ChiswickFlo · 10/05/2022 12:28

Its not that comparable but my exbil had a massive stroke at 38 and was utterly vile to my sister afterwards.
(They had 3 x school aged kids at the time)
She stuck it out for a few years until she became suicidal then divorced the bastard.
Like your dh, it was very much behaviour he could control and aimed solely at her.
He was always an arsehole but really ramped up the abuse after he got home from hospital.
I hope you can find a safe quiet space in your house for yourself x

Fraaahnces · 10/05/2022 12:58

Text him a link to the Übereats App. I think setting some serious boundaries are in order. I’m so sorry. He was so lovely before.