‘Your mum is fat’

[Dingalingading]

So aibu to not know how to deal with this.

Daughter (10) joined a new school a year ago and generally gets on well with kids and staff. Apart from one it seems. A week ago, ‘I am not coming to your stupid party’ (which I reassured DD was maybe more about the fact that this child does a lot of competitions outside school so couldn’t come because of that) but now this ‘your mum is fat!’. Totally unprompted and DD was

I do know the mum to talk to - tho not well. How do I approach it? I do need to work on my weight - had a baby 9 months ago - but it’s still a shock.

I would just talk to your daughter about not taking things personally, that it says more about the person saying it rather than who it's aimed at. Let her know that she can decide who she's friends with.

I wouldnty tackle it with the child mum since it's just one comment. If it was regular then address it with the school and parent.

I wouldn’t say anything over just those incidents. My dd and her friends have said worse to each other when they’ve had off days. I’d do as pp said and just say it’s not right but she might have been in a bad mood that day, or that some people aren’t very nice and to ignore their silly comments.

I wouldn't say anything to the mother. I bet its not the first time this girl has been nasty to others. Maybe if she continues this behaviour she'll find herself short of friends

I wouldn’t say anything

It is better to talk about why people say mean things than the actual things they say.

I’m sorry that you felt the sting of this cruelty from this bully but you are not to be policed by the meanness of a words - explaining this to your daughter will teach her more than you saying ‘oh but I’ve had a baby’ ( even though this is true) It is the real reaction but they aren’t interested in truth, they’re just out to cause pain
Bullies are always looking for a way in and a reaction - better to teach her this.
My mum is in a wheelchair and some charming child at my daughter’s school was horrible about that. Then about my daughter being too skinny, anorexic, then too tall, like a pole, then too stupid.
It was just whatever route of horribleness.

I talked about how some people needed to make other people seem small to just feel able to stand beside them. I explained it was deliberate, cruel, and wouldn’t end until she stopped being upset by her. I also talked about how if we placed what we felt about ourselves on other people’s assessments we would never be happy and it could always be taken from us.

It was bloody horrible but we were closer and she got stronger because of it xx

I wouldn’t say anything either. Tell your child to just ignore her.

You dont approach the mum. Its 10 year olds talking rubbish. Your putting far too much emphasis on this

I would talk to your daughter about how to ignore stupidness, how you feel about the comment is irrelevant. I wouldn’t talk to the mum unless she gets rude about your daughter and you need to intervene

?? I was always fat/obese when mine went through school. I was fat, that’s a fact. If a kid went ‘your mum is fat’ mine would have gone ‘yes, she is’, as that was the fact. It is what it is but if you bring up kids to accept things as fact it takes emotion out of it. So if other kids said this to mine, they were confused thinking ‘yes, and???’.

I remember Michael Leonard when I was 9 or 10 saying "your mum is a bag of shit!" I was devastated for days, but when I eventually told her and she wasn't upset, I immediately felt better. Still remember 40 years on though

Kids say what they see. They have no filters. The kid across the road used to say to my daughter...your Mum is a dwarf (because I am small.) The thing is I AM small and so the kid picks on that. Typical kids, they say stuff to each other and next day they are friends. I certainly would not go to the mother about it unless it becomes a regular thing. One comment...nope.

@HoppingPavlova

?? I was always fat/obese when mine went through school. I was fat, that’s a fact. If a kid went ‘your mum is fat’ mine would have gone ‘yes, she is’, as that was the fact. It is what it is but if you bring up kids to accept things as fact it takes emotion out of it. So if other kids said this to mine, they were confused thinking ‘yes, and???’.

Absolutely bang on.

The other zinger is ... "and your point is?"

Yes and I can also take it as something I should actually deal with too

I wish I'd been brought up to deal with bullying talk like pp are saying. All I remember is being inconsolable and crying when other kids said stuff like this.

Just leave it, it's just 10 year olds being unkind. I think you've taken it to heart because you say you need to lose weight. She could just as well have said 'Your mum's a dick' or something.

@HoppingPavlova

?? I was always fat/obese when mine went through school. I was fat, that’s a fact. If a kid went ‘your mum is fat’ mine would have gone ‘yes, she is’, as that was the fact. It is what it is but if you bring up kids to accept things as fact it takes emotion out of it. So if other kids said this to mine, they were confused thinking ‘yes, and???’.

I was thinking similar.

OP, are you in fact, fat?

Kids say what they see. They have no filters
Not necessarily true in all cases.
Sometimes kids, especially round 10, know which trigger words to use to cause upset and fling them out.

At work we are told that we are ‘peados’ and they are going to get us sacked. It’s just hot air to try and scare us. This is by kids that are 10/11 /12 years olds. Once they get a bit older their insults get a bit more sophisticated. The best result is always to roll eyes and say ‘whatever’!

@Dingalingading just take no notice, kids can say mean things and by saying something to the Mum will mean making a bigger issue our of this then it actually is.. it'll all be forgotten about by next week!

As an aside do you 'dress' fat? The only reason I'm asking is because I have a friend who always wears oversized clothes to the point where the clothes make her look about 3 sizes bigger than she actually is! She's a UK 12 but looks way overweight with the clothes she wears and if ever she wears anything in her correct size she gets loads of compliments and questions about what diet she's been on!

Size 14/16

@Dingalingading

Size 14/16

The question was are you fat, not what dress size are you? I'm a size 10 and at the moment I'm a bit fat. This is because I've been eating a lot more lately and not been getting any exercise due to and ankle problem and being lazy

Either way, kids just say things they think will hurt so she could just as easily said you have a big nose when in fact you haven't, so I wouldn't take it to heart.

@notacooldad

Kids say what they see. They have no filters Not necessarily true in all cases. Sometimes kids, especially round 10, know which trigger words to use to cause upset and fling them out.

At work we are told that we are ‘peados’ and they are going to get us sacked. It’s just hot air to try and scare us. This is by kids that are 10/11 /12 years olds. Once they get a bit older their insults get a bit more sophisticated. The best result is always to roll eyes and say ‘whatever’!

It's true kids do say what they see. If the OP is fat, they will pick on that particular insult. In my case I am very small so I am a dwarf. Kids know at this age that the truth hurts so they have enough savvy to use it.

"Your Mam is a bag of shit" is not the same thing because the Mum is not actually a bag of shit but pointing out that the Mum is actually fat ot very very small is saying what they see.

I agree when they get older it gets more sophisticated like in your case...ohh what's the worse I can say to him.....oh yeah..Peado! Kids are shits sometimes. Rolled eyes and whatever works well :)

At a size 10 you probably aren’t actually fat, just fat for you

I'm a size 10 and at the moment I'm a bit fat.

Oh bugger off with this crap.

I understand your concern, but I think I agree with other posters that your best bet is trying to encourage your kids to see it a simple fact and not something upsetting to have mentioned.

So what if their mum is overweight? Try not to project your own feelings onto it too much.