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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did he lie?

52 replies

tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 09:45

Name changed for this.

Been with partner just over a year, we have spoke about having children together. He has 1 child with his ex. He said he never wanted anymore children with his ex (not kids mother). Said he wasn't interested in having any more with anyone, I changed his mind etc.

Last night I needed to use his phone to access his pictures (send myself pictures of him and his child) to make a birthday gift for him.

I came across a message between him & ex discussing them wanting a baby together.

I feel like he has lied about it for no reason but it has really annoyed me. Aibu?

He also had several pictures of her and an explicit picture. He said he didn't know they were there. (He isn't very good with technology, they were in a different folder).

OP posts:
LabelMaker · 26/03/2022 09:46

How on earth did you "come across" these?

StrangeAddiction · 26/03/2022 09:48

He's lied!

Of course he knew they were there in another folder. I'm not very good with technology either but that's not hard to do.

When are the messages about wanting a baby with the ex from?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 26/03/2022 09:48

Were these messages recent or from a long time ago? If the latter then you must have been looking for something other than a photo?

Nicknacky · 26/03/2022 09:50

Why were you going through his messages and into folders in his phone? You didn’t just “came across” them.

Raddiebubs · 26/03/2022 09:51

It seems like you would have had to do a lot of deep digging to find these, I'm guessing this message was very old so how far back did you scroll?
At the end of the day in the throws of a relationship he probably might have thought about having another child with her briefly but in hindsight didn't want one. Sometimes we day things when we're in love.
The picture is also something you clearly had to dig for and honestly I don't know what kind of stuff I have on my phone linking to past relationships, but they are exactly that, in the past.

Original poster
tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 09:51

Sorry the message was a picture of a message from when they were together discussing them having a baby together.

But he told me it was never an option with ex, he 100% didn't want it & it was never discussed because it was a no.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/03/2022 09:53

Does it really matter?

I wouldn't go into the details of my past relationships with DH. It's none of his business whether I tried for a baby with someone else years before we met Confused

TidyDancer · 26/03/2022 09:53

People change their minds, also I think it's relevant that you're in a fairly new relationship and he may not have wanted to discuss that part of his past with you. I don't think this is a clear cut case of him just lying for no good reason.

The bigger issue for me is that presumably you've gone through his messages to find this out. Why would you do that?

HangOnToYourself · 26/03/2022 09:56

Is a lie about your intentions with an ex (probably to spare your feelings) worse than extensively snooping on his phone?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 26/03/2022 09:57

I don’t think it’s as clear cut as lying. At various points in my marriage after having my first I’ve 100% not wanted another and 100% wanted one. You’d find conversations about both on my phone. Neither is a lie.
The photos would annoy my but I somewhere on a laptop in the loft have photos of an ex and some explicit ones at that. This was pre camera phone. Just ask him to delete the explicit one. I don’t think you can ask him to delete non explicit photos of the mother of his child.
Snooping is also an issue for me. You must have had to do a lot of snooping to find all of these

Orgasmagorical · 26/03/2022 10:02

They discussed having a baby on their phones?

Lou98 · 26/03/2022 10:03

It could be that he then decided after that he didn't want anymore kids after they had that conversation. Strange that he'd say they never discussed it but if it was just that brief conversation (which it sounds like you're getting all from one screenshot?) then he probably just thought it didn't really count as a proper discussion.

Why didn't you just ask him to send you photos of him and his child for whatever it is you need them for instead of going through his phone?

It would annoy me more that he still had explicit pictures of her but then if I'm completely honest, I realised a few weeks ago that I had photos in my "hidden" folder on my phone of my Partner, they were sent years ago and I had a different phone then, they must have copied over from my old phone and I just never really thought as haven't looked in it so it is believable that he didn't realise they were still on there if they were in a different folder.

I think I'd let this one go if it's an otherwise good relationship. Ask him to delete the picture of her but then move on

MarthaFokker · 26/03/2022 10:07

He probably didn't lie as such, he probably just changed his mind at some point and realised he didn't want kids with her.

It's far more worrying that you think it's ok to go digging around and reading his private things from the past.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 10:08

He probably didn't want you to think she was all that special.

How old are the pictures and messages?

I've been with DP 9 years and he'd never go through my old messages and I'd never go through his. If you don't trust him don't have a baby.

Raddiebubs · 26/03/2022 10:14

But how far back did you have to dig to find these pictures is the real question?

HRTQueen · 26/03/2022 10:18

What does it matter

Relationships change. Most of us have had an ex who we were madly in love with and thought our further would be with them. The thought of being we them now horrifies us

Are you both happy together that’s what matter not that either of you were in love with someone else in the past it’s history

HRTQueen · 26/03/2022 10:19

*future

PinkSyCo · 26/03/2022 10:19

This lie ( because that’s what it is) would worry me OP. It would make me feel that he doesn’t think it through before deciding he wants children and would put me off having one with him so soon.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/03/2022 10:30

I wouldn't be having a relationship let alone a baby with anyone who thinks its ok to read my messages and search through folders on my phone.

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/03/2022 10:37

Doesn’t make sense you’re saying he screen shot a message of them talking about having kids? Hmm if you’re going to post a thread might as well be honest yourself and admit you went through his messages

Kingharoldshairstyle · 26/03/2022 10:40

I think if you forensically snooped on his phone you should just own it instead of pretending you just stumbled across them.

MrsPinkCock · 26/03/2022 10:40

You shouldn’t have been snooping. That’s the only issue here. Your partners conversations with his ex are none of your business.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 10:41

He had screen shots saved in his phone of a converstation that he had with his ex about having another baby? Or she screen shot it and send it to him? Of a converstation that happened ages ago

And you just happened to stumble across that and an explicit photo , both of which will have been sent at least a year ago?

Sorry op something doesn't add up here . You aren't being honest . I am guessinf therea other stuff yoj dont eant to mention as it makes you or him look bad. You either feel entitled to invade his privacy or you looked be cause other things have gone off.

If you arent honest no one can help you or give advice.

Iwonder08 · 26/03/2022 10:50

You must have spent ages going through his phone archives. You definitely shouldn't have a child with a man who you don't trust.

Alrightqueenie · 26/03/2022 10:53

One year into a relationship and thinking of ttc already? Way too soon and definitely no kids before marriage, this guy sounds tricky. You're in a good place to end it and move on, if you have any niggling doubts about a man then respect yourself and end it. Life is too short to waste on liars and relationship dramas.