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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did he lie?

52 replies

tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 09:45

Name changed for this.

Been with partner just over a year, we have spoke about having children together. He has 1 child with his ex. He said he never wanted anymore children with his ex (not kids mother). Said he wasn't interested in having any more with anyone, I changed his mind etc.

Last night I needed to use his phone to access his pictures (send myself pictures of him and his child) to make a birthday gift for him.

I came across a message between him & ex discussing them wanting a baby together.

I feel like he has lied about it for no reason but it has really annoyed me. Aibu?

He also had several pictures of her and an explicit picture. He said he didn't know they were there. (He isn't very good with technology, they were in a different folder).

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 10:56

To add:

I didn't go through any messages or archives etc. I was simply in his pictures picking pictures of him with his child to get put on a personalised item. I was scrolling 1 pic to another & came across the screenshot! I wasn't snooping or looking for anything, I trust him 100%.

I was asking aibu or not due to the fact it was well in the past but the fact he had told me he never wanted children with ex etc, so to me it was a lie & if I'm going to have children with someone I want them to be 100% sure that's what they also want.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 26/03/2022 11:03

How did you come across the message if you were scrolling through pictures then? Is that a lie?

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 11:03

I think in your position I would say that I wouldn't have children unless I was married. If he wants to arrange that then I would be taking him much more seriously.

BoredZelda · 26/03/2022 11:03

If you are going to snoop, at least own it.

Momijin · 26/03/2022 11:11

Why did he screenshot a message? Does it matter what his intentions were with his ex? Maybe he only considered it briefly. But the point is he didnt have kids with her so why does it matter? I had intentions to have kids with my ex fiance but didn't. Why is that relevant to future relationships? And you shouldn't be snooping. How did you come across that hidden folder with explicit pictures? And if he had anything to hide he wouldn't let you dig around his phone.

I'd be super pissed off if my dp stopped through my phone and messages. Not that I have anything to hide but some things are private (like the explicit picture). I still have some explicit pics from a guy I was dating a few years ago. Only because I haven't deleted the chat not because I look at them.

Turningpurple · 26/03/2022 11:13

But I thought the explicit one was I a separate folder?

You had to scrolled through over a years worth of photos before you got to a photo of him and his son?

AHungryCaterpillar · 26/03/2022 11:14

@ChicCroissant

How did you come across the message if you were scrolling through pictures then? Is that a lie?
yes apparently he screen shot the messages and that’s how she came across them as if anyone is going to believe that Confused
Original poster
tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 11:14

Nothing is a lie 🤣 I have no reason to lie! Explicit picture and screenshot of said message were in his pictures.

OP posts:
Stonex · 26/03/2022 11:26

Ignoring the argument about snooping etc….

As some PPs have said: It is perfectly possible to briefly think you might want kids and then change your mind and then in the future believe & say you never really kids with X person. I probably have done similar in the past (thought one thing, changed my mind, then forgotten I ever felt differently)

BUT

I am wary of men who use “I would have children with you” as a kind of romantic sweetener, something said whilst loved up, particularly when it’s phrased as he has “I’ve never wanted kids with anyone else” etc etc.

I can’t explain exactly why but it makes me feel that it’s not totally genuine. It’s more being used as a way to impress and flatter you. My opinion is slightly affected by a few friends who got caught out that way - believing all the pretty chat that a man loved them so much he’d become a family man/be a dad with them/love to have babies with them /blah blah only to discover that actually he didn’t really mean it. Just liked the sound of it at the time. But by then they’d had their babies and the men were off whispering the same thing to other new women.

WomanStanleyWoman · 26/03/2022 12:57

@HangOnToYourself

Is a lie about your intentions with an ex (probably to spare your feelings) worse than extensively snooping on his phone?
To be fair, it was his own fault for hiding his phone where she could find it, under the floorboards in a locked box.
RonaldMcDonald · 26/03/2022 13:06

If you don’t trust him it is either a him thing or a you thing

You’ll know if you often or always act like this - if so seek help

If you don’t, leave him and find someone you feel safe with
Feeling your heart is unsafe usually is a good indicator - I wish more people listen to it

HangOnToYourself · 26/03/2022 14:39

@tiredtiredtiredd

Nothing is a lie 🤣 I have no reason to lie! Explicit picture and screenshot of said message were in his pictures.
But you said in your op the explicit pic of his ex was in a separate folder...
LIZS · 26/03/2022 14:48

How odd to have screenshoted such a discussion. Neither of you sound that straightforward or open tbh. Perhaps time to call it a day.

Original poster
tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 15:50

Does anyone have an iPhone?! You have an "all photos" and "recents". I looked in all photos, he looked in recents. I asked him y

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredtiredtiredd · 26/03/2022 15:51

to send me the pics of him and his child. He said no you do it, pick the ones u want. I don't think he was hiding anything, I'm not paranoid, I trust him. I haven't explained it properly

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/03/2022 16:08

@tiredtiredtiredd

Nothing is a lie 🤣 I have no reason to lie! Explicit picture and screenshot of said message were in his pictures.
Well you do have a reason to lie, to hide your snooping!

He has a past, he discussed things with his past partners, get over it and grow up.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 26/03/2022 16:38

If i were to even believe that all this is true, and it was a screen shot of a conversation I have one question. Why did you read it? You were looking for pictures of him and his son. Why didnt you just swipe past that, it was obviously not a picture of anyone so why stop and read it all?

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 16:44

When were the pictures from?

Hausa · 26/03/2022 16:52

So, I have a few questions:

  • Why had he screenshot the messages?
  • Why was the explicit photo of his ex in his more recent photos?
  • Why are you more bothered by whether or not he wanted more kids with his ex (which, to be honest, is a rather strange thing to consider your business) than by the first two points?
BrightonBunny · 26/03/2022 17:05

I don't understand

Why would he have saved and kept a photo of that very specific conversation between himself and his ex? It just doesn't make sense.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:15

@Hausa

So, I have a few questions:
  • Why had he screenshot the messages?
  • Why was the explicit photo of his ex in his more recent photos?
  • Why are you more bothered by whether or not he wanted more kids with his ex (which, to be honest, is a rather strange thing to consider your business) than by the first two points?
To be fair I've got 500 more pictures in my recents than my main album, somehow. It includes every picture in my iCloud for the past 8 years.
Hausa · 26/03/2022 17:24

@girlmom21 I possibly didn’t explain that very well. I don’t mean ‘why are they in the recents folder’, more why are they in the first few hundred or whatever that she would have scrolled through, as opposed to buried in the depths, under years’ worth of subsequent photos.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:47

@Hausa oh sorry! I completely agree! They wouldn't have been sat together either - and she'd have idea what a screenshot of a conversation said without clicking on it!

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:48

*no idea - not an idea Grin

Octomore · 26/03/2022 17:49

He lied
You snooped

What exactly has this relationship got going for it?