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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed at my DH?

58 replies

GreyhoundGardens · 26/03/2022 08:39

I know I probably ABU but would love some perspective. Smile

I am still irritated by how my DH behaved when our second child was born.

In the week or so coming up to due date I mentioned to DH he really needed to pack in drinking in the evenings and late nights, as if I went into labour he would need to be able to drive.

DS2 arrived the day before due date. I went to bed at about 10:30 and woke up at 00:30 to my waters breaking. DH nowhere to be seen. Once I'd dealt with waters I went to find him and low and behold he was still up and having a beer! We finished getting the last bits of my hospital bag together and then I sent him to bed. Laboured on my own in the house for as long as possible, but had to wake him around 2 hours later as I thought things were progressing and we needed to contact FIL to come and look after DS1.

Eventually headed to the birth centre at around 4am. In the throws of labour I forgot to ask DH how much he had actually drunk and he drove to the birth centre without a conversation about whether he should drive or not (only 5 minutes away but that's not really the point!). After the event he told me he had only had a couple of cans and would be fine to drive but who knows?

I gave birth a couple of hours after arriving at the centre and then we were discharged before lunchtime. DH was fine during the labour, didn't do much, but I didn't really need him to as I prefer to just be left alone when in pain.

When we got home he immediately started complaining how tired he was. How he hadn't had much sleep, etc. etc.

Anyway, a bit later he disappeared off for a nap. I was a bit incredulous at the time, but he was adamant I had more sleep than him (10:30-00:30 so around the same two hours by my count)... and then I'd GIVEN FUCKING BIRTH!!!

I then didn't get more than 2 hours sleep in a row for the next two years as it turns out DS2 was allergic to sleep. So I may be a bit bitter. Grin

I don't dwell on this often, but whenever I think about the day DS2 arrived I always end up thinking about this and feeling a bit annoyed again. Also when we've discussed it retrospectively DH is still adamant I'm unreasonable for thinking the way he acted was, well, dickish. And that it's unreasonably for me to say that so close to my due date he shouldn't have been staying up late drinking, he should have been getting an early night and expecting baby to turn up at any time (DS1 was a bit early so I didn't have form for going wildly overdue). Also he is still adamant that he needed a nap more than me. Hmm

I think I'd feel better if he'd just acknowledge that he was in the wrong. But he won't!!

I know I need to let it go really, but AIBU for still finding this irritating?

OP posts:
TooMinty · 26/03/2022 08:50

Are you still annoyed because it set the level for his parenting standards and he doesn't pull his weight?

UmbrellaTime · 26/03/2022 08:54

Oh OP. He potentially put you and your unborn child in danger by drinking before driving. He was drinking even though you were full term and he knew you'd have to be driven to the hospital any moment. I wouldn't have forgiven him to the extent I would have considered ending things I think it's so out of order. The fact he's still to this day gaslighting you into thinking drink driving you to a hospital is ok and he was more tired than you after giving birth... It's just sending out massive alarm bells to me.

Does he still drink all the time?

NiceTwin · 26/03/2022 08:56

So ds2 is over 2 years old and you're still harping on about it?
You really need to let it go.

LabelMaker · 26/03/2022 08:58

The fact he can't admit he was a dick is the main problem I'd have with this now.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 26/03/2022 09:00

YANBU.

He showed you who he was; and, years later, he still doesn't see anything wrong with his appalling lack of empathy and lack of consideration for you. He put his needs and his wants before your safety.

Look up NPD.

Brefugee · 26/03/2022 09:03

How is he now? does he step up and parent or does he still act like a dick? That would determine my attitude.
(FWIW: i think he acted like a twat and not acknowledging that is twattish)

Unanananana · 26/03/2022 09:03

He sounds fucking awful in so many ways. How you are still with him is baffling.

Does he still drink?

chesterelly1 · 26/03/2022 09:03

I think you need to put this into context. Does he pull his weight now, does fair share of parenting, chores etc, would never put you & DC in danger by driving you whilst under the influence? Or do you practically parent solo while he makes sure he gets enough sleep, drinks whenever he wants. I suspect the latter or you wouldn't be so hung up on stuff that happened two years ago. Do you think this was the start of you realising that he's more than a little bit crap?

Sux2buthen · 26/03/2022 09:06

NPD😂😂😂ffs
Is he a good dad and generally good partner? If so, it's not that important
If he's not there's different problems to deal with

Papayamya · 26/03/2022 09:06

What's he like now, does he still spend his evenings drinking and feel entitled to a nice sleep leaving you to do most of the early mornings etc? My ex prioritised sleep over everything else and it was enough to make me leave him as I knew despite how much he said he wanted children, he wouldn't want to do the legwork.

GeneLovesJezebel · 26/03/2022 09:08

Unfortunately resentment never goes away.
And, for the rest of your life, when you remember the birth of that child, that is what you are going to remember.

pinkBamboo · 26/03/2022 09:09

You can't change it so move on. Is he still acting the same? Then it's that that needs addressing if it's bothering you.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 26/03/2022 09:13

@NiceTwin

So ds2 is over 2 years old and you're still harping on about it? You really need to let it go.
Well you've absolutely never given birth. are you the husband ?
Cocomarine · 26/03/2022 09:17

I expect he’s still an arsehole and that’s why this is still with you.

I’d created a “labour snacks” box (high energy snacks and a good mix of things in case I found myself wanting one particular thing - nuts, chocolate, that sort of thing).
2 days before my due date I went to put something in, to find he’d eaten half of it.
My child was born in the morning and I waited with her for doctor to check her, and my husband wandered off to the hospital canteen. He had a full cooked breakfast, told me he was last one out before it closed (so he was aware) and came back with NOTHING for me. No yoghurt, pastry, sausage bread roll…

I remember all from 15 years ago. He’s an ex husband now. Because that absolutely did set the scene for his input to parenting.

Yellownightmare · 26/03/2022 09:20

I just think it shows a lack of care and a subsequent lack of taking responsibility for his actions by still saying YOU'RE being unreasonable.

Unless he's usually a wonderful, caring husband I can understand why you're still upset OP.

Orchidsonthetable · 26/03/2022 09:20

I think after two years you need to let this go. Sure it was dickish but two years is a long time to hold it against him. At this point it’s you who is being the dick.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:23

A couple of cans of beer and a nap when you got home after very little sleep? I think YABU about that, but telling you he deserved the sleep more than you would've pissed me right off!

The real issue is he's been useless ever since.

Bearsinmotion · 26/03/2022 09:25

I had a similar experience. DS born overnight, got home with him the same day having never left the delivery suite. Spent most of the first night awake as he was, feeding etc. next morning DP refused to get up to look after toddler DD, had a nice lie in while I sat on the floor bleeding. That was the start of the end of that relationship and tarnished my memories of DS’s birth.

WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 09:28

You can’t tell someone what they can and can’t do but he should have used common sense and not got drunk without a plan B in place.
The fact he drove drunk is disgusting.

I believe how people act in these sorts of situations is their true personality and he put his need for drinking over yours.
Does he have an issue with alcohol?

The fact is this happened a long time ago and you either:
need to drop it - if this was a one off and he’s been great ever since
or
end the relationship - if he’s still really selfish and doesn’t pull his weight.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:30

The fact he drove drunk is disgusting.

He'd had two cans of beer and a sleep in between.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:31

They also didn't leave til 3 hours minimum after his last drink

mistermagpie · 26/03/2022 09:31

I don't think I'd ever forget that either. But you've chosen to stay with him after it so not sure what the point is to carry on feeling angry about it. You can't change it now and he obviously didn't care at the time and still doesn't, so you may as well let it go or it will carry on eating you up.

That would probably have been the end of my relationship btw, so I don't think you are being unreasonable for it to have bothered you. But my first husband had a drink problem so it a real trigger for me.

Aria2015 · 26/03/2022 09:47

It's the lack of acknowledgement for your feelings that will mean this lingers for you. You were perfectly reasonable in your request and the fact your dh had the nerve to go for a nap when you'd just given birth is unbelievable! He is lacking any understanding or empathy for the huge physical ordeal that birth is. That alone would make me want to stab him in his sleep!

Riseholme · 26/03/2022 09:52

It's not the 2 beers that would annoy me.

I would be furious if my dh went off for a nap less than 12 hours after I gave birth and left me with a toddler and a newborn.
That's so disrespectful and selfish.

RegardingMary · 26/03/2022 09:54

YANBU you were qt your most vulnerable and he did youva huge disservice.

3 kids and 14 years down the line. It still hurts when I think of how DH treat me after the first baby.
I'd laboured overnight and DH slept for a good chunk of hours while I was with the midwives alone. They woke him up when I started pushing. After the baby was born a midwife helped me into the shower and put fresh bedding on the bed. When I emerged MIL had arrived and tucked DH up into bed with a cup of tea and a slice of toast, I was asked not to disturb him.

Luckily he has improved massively since then.