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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be annoyed at my DH?

58 replies

GreyhoundGardens · 26/03/2022 08:39

I know I probably ABU but would love some perspective. Smile

I am still irritated by how my DH behaved when our second child was born.

In the week or so coming up to due date I mentioned to DH he really needed to pack in drinking in the evenings and late nights, as if I went into labour he would need to be able to drive.

DS2 arrived the day before due date. I went to bed at about 10:30 and woke up at 00:30 to my waters breaking. DH nowhere to be seen. Once I'd dealt with waters I went to find him and low and behold he was still up and having a beer! We finished getting the last bits of my hospital bag together and then I sent him to bed. Laboured on my own in the house for as long as possible, but had to wake him around 2 hours later as I thought things were progressing and we needed to contact FIL to come and look after DS1.

Eventually headed to the birth centre at around 4am. In the throws of labour I forgot to ask DH how much he had actually drunk and he drove to the birth centre without a conversation about whether he should drive or not (only 5 minutes away but that's not really the point!). After the event he told me he had only had a couple of cans and would be fine to drive but who knows?

I gave birth a couple of hours after arriving at the centre and then we were discharged before lunchtime. DH was fine during the labour, didn't do much, but I didn't really need him to as I prefer to just be left alone when in pain.

When we got home he immediately started complaining how tired he was. How he hadn't had much sleep, etc. etc.

Anyway, a bit later he disappeared off for a nap. I was a bit incredulous at the time, but he was adamant I had more sleep than him (10:30-00:30 so around the same two hours by my count)... and then I'd GIVEN FUCKING BIRTH!!!

I then didn't get more than 2 hours sleep in a row for the next two years as it turns out DS2 was allergic to sleep. So I may be a bit bitter. Grin

I don't dwell on this often, but whenever I think about the day DS2 arrived I always end up thinking about this and feeling a bit annoyed again. Also when we've discussed it retrospectively DH is still adamant I'm unreasonable for thinking the way he acted was, well, dickish. And that it's unreasonably for me to say that so close to my due date he shouldn't have been staying up late drinking, he should have been getting an early night and expecting baby to turn up at any time (DS1 was a bit early so I didn't have form for going wildly overdue). Also he is still adamant that he needed a nap more than me. Hmm

I think I'd feel better if he'd just acknowledge that he was in the wrong. But he won't!!

I know I need to let it go really, but AIBU for still finding this irritating?

OP posts:
JellybeansJelly · 26/03/2022 09:56

My DH stopped drinking when I entered my 8th month. So there could never be any question of whether or not he’s ok to drive us to the hospital should I need to go for whatever reason. I didn’t even need to ask him as it didn’t occur to me.

What he did was reckless and selfish. He will probably never admit it though, and I’m sorry about that. I know what you mean about just wanting that acknowledgment.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 26/03/2022 09:59

My ExH still denies that he stopped at the spar on the way to hospital while I was labouring in the car to get a crate of lager as ‘the pubs will be shut by the time you’ve had it.’

Did I mention he’s EX h?

sweetbellyhigh · 26/03/2022 10:03

When you're in labour you're in a heightened state so everything that happens is magnified.

Now his behaviour was shabby no matter what the circumstances but drink-driving you to the birth centre and going to bed when you got home is outrageous.

Essentially he abandoned you in your hour of need.

I could not get past this.

Eeksteek · 26/03/2022 10:04

@TooMinty

Are you still annoyed because it set the level for his parenting standards and he doesn't pull his weight?
This. I had a similar experience, and the reason I couldn’t let one fairly minor incident go, even after we split, is because it was The Day I realised I didn’t matter unless he decided I did. There were no needs, no preferences, no hardship I could I could go through that would EVER be more important than his. None, unless he had already graciously decided to Put Me First. And that wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t be unilaterally his decision to balance our needs and automatically be right unless I could ‘convince’ him otherwise (which wasn’t actually possible).

I’d recommend exploring it with a therapist. Not to tell you he was unreasonable (he was and we all know it) but to figure out what it is about YOUR feelings that mean you can’t let it go. I did this years after I left and it was SO helpful. I thought it was the day that was the beginning of the end because he changed for the worse, but it wasn’t. It was the day I realised I didn’t matter in any meaningful way. Although it was still a turning point in his behaviour, because I stopped allowing him to be the authority he thought he was, and changed my behaviour, which did change his (spoiler, not for the better!). Recognising that allowed me to move on and really figure myself out.

Shamoo · 26/03/2022 10:06

@Cocomarine I can’t believe how bad that is !

shssandhr · 26/03/2022 10:06

Is he still behaving like this? Is that why you can't forget about it?

If on the other hand, he realized he was a complete and utter dick and has changed his ways and is now an involved father who hardly ever drinks then maybe it is time to try to put it behind you. Even if he hasn't said "Hey OP, I was a complete dick the day DD2 was born, I'm so sorry", if his actions show he is sorry then he probably is.

Nelliephant1 · 26/03/2022 10:07

I can fully understand it, it'd still irritate me too to be honest. It may be highly likely that he'd had significantly more that a couple and really wasn't fit to function and had to sleep it off. He'd have known that he'd get it in the neck for drinking too much so was then, and still is not being entirely straight about it!

You know it was completely unreasonable for him to act the way he did and deep down, I'm sure he knows and is just glad everything went OK and he didn't crash or get pulled over which would have been a bit of a situation to say the least.

The bigger point is how has he been since then. If he's been a good dad and good husband then fair enough. If it comes up again and he says he was fine to drive etc then just give him an "of course you were dear" with a smirk or an eye roll to let him know that you no more believe him than flying in the air.

DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 10:09

I don't think this would be annoying you still if he'd stepped up since then. I suspect he started as he meant to go on.

WetLookKnitwear · 26/03/2022 10:11

The absolute gigantic BALLS on him for complaining about his quality of sleep when you’ve been up all night giving birth to his child!

If op’s husband is reading this, hi, you’re a dickhead. Also drinking in the evening will fuck up the quality of your sleep.

EmpressCixi · 26/03/2022 10:19

This was over 2yrs ago and I’m in the let it go party. Yes he had a few drinks but it had no impact on DS2’s arrival. If he hadn’t been sober enough to drive, you could have called an ambulance. So he’s not endangered anyone in all honesty. I’m not at all surprised that he needed a nap after being up for over 24hrs. The comment he needed sleep more than you was a minor irritation only and just the kind of thing an exhausted about to pass out person says and probably would not have been said if you hadn’t been like “no” to him saying he needed a nap. I don’t see why all three of you couldn’t have had a nice sleep. No one needs to be up watching a newborn sleeping as they mostly sleeps anyway.

If he’s useless now, be annoyed about that as it is the here and now. If he’s good now, then let this go. No harm was done and it is over two years ago.

billy1966 · 26/03/2022 10:20

What an absolute waster and he continues to be to this day.

So he drink drives too?

Absolute waster.

Perhaps sorting out your contraception might be an idea.

2catsandhappy · 26/03/2022 10:20

My sympathies op. I am still resentful 21 years on that my memories are of ex being drunk and whining about how his head hurt and the lights were too bright, how tired he was etc etc. He had gone out drinking on my due date. Just one of many occasions he spoilt and one of many reasons he is an ex.
Your dh justified and defended his behaviour then and has convinced himself since that he did nothing wrong. No judgement from me that you cannot forgive or forget. Maybe tell him one final time that his behaviour that day has changed how you think about him.
I am sure everybody has a horrible memory they would like to forget and I hope your hurt fades over time.

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 26/03/2022 10:26

Tosser.
I’d still be annoyed too.
But you gotta let it go as you’re the only one being hurt by hanging on. Find a little way to even the score. Like next time he needs a lift somewhere say sure but then have a little drink so you can’t. It’s petty and childish but no one needs to know except you. Might make you feel a bit better.

Geezabreak82 · 26/03/2022 10:26

It sometimes bugs me that I laboured through the night, gave birth at 6am and then after I'd been sorted out I was taken through to a ward where I was kept awake all day while my OH went home for a long nap. His rationale was that he needed the rest because he was going to have to drive me and the baby home safely (about 8 miles trip). I also don't think it occurred to him that I wouldn't get to sleep on the ward that day (or indeed the following night because DC wanted to feed constantly). He's more than made up for it since though. It sounds like maybe your OH maybe hasn't though and you've dealt with all the broken sleep that comes with having a rubbish sleeper?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/03/2022 10:30

@NiceTwin

So ds2 is over 2 years old and you're still harping on about it? You really need to let it go.
I'd never let that dickish behaviour go, I'd have fucked him up. I'll bet he's a crap husband in every other respect. How can he go to work and function staying up all hours and swilling beer? I'll bet he doesn't work, or do anything with the kids or house either.
HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 10:30

@EmpressCixi

This was over 2yrs ago and I’m in the let it go party. Yes he had a few drinks but it had no impact on DS2’s arrival. If he hadn’t been sober enough to drive, you could have called an ambulance. So he’s not endangered anyone in all honesty. I’m not at all surprised that he needed a nap after being up for over 24hrs. The comment he needed sleep more than you was a minor irritation only and just the kind of thing an exhausted about to pass out person says and probably would not have been said if you hadn’t been like “no” to him saying he needed a nap. I don’t see why all three of you couldn’t have had a nice sleep. No one needs to be up watching a newborn sleeping as they mostly sleeps anyway.

If he’s useless now, be annoyed about that as it is the here and now. If he’s good now, then let this go. No harm was done and it is over two years ago.

They have another child though who would've been a toddler at the time. Both adults couldn't possibly have gone to sleep.
TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 10:30

Well I wouldn’t have ket it go.
But that’s because dh has been a twat regarding getting up/parenting etc,.. so many things have been a reminder iyswim.

The fact you still are thinking about ut makes me think it’s more of symptom of how your DH behaves in general and that his attitude if ‘I’m more tired than you’ or ‘I needed more sleep’ etc… has continued throughout the years.

Ponoka7 · 26/03/2022 10:35

When men say they want babies I always say to the woman ask what that actually means. What they often mean is they want the Mother to do the early work and while their life isn't interrupted.
He drunk drove to a maternity hospital, you can't really get much lower. I doubt that he stayed up to have two, which means that the next day when he drove home he was also over the limit.

Underfrighter · 26/03/2022 10:42

As much as it's not a healthy situation mentally, I couldnt let this go either.
He let you down when you were most vulnerable
It was all of his own making (might have been different if he had been up trying to finish a project or it was his best mates stag do or something)
He drank and drove
He is stupid (out of two people with the same sleep, who is going to be more tired, the one that's had one bad nights sleep or the one that's had multiple bad nights sleep from pregnancy and then gone through one of the most physically demanding things that someone can do).
He refuses to apologise

I would also suspect this is not a complete one off, and you can't let it go because its indicative of how selfish he is in general and you realise that he has never put you and the kids first even that one time you needed him

EmpressCixi · 26/03/2022 10:52

@HollowTalk
Both adults couldn't possibly have gone to sleep.

They could have as you are forgetting the 3rd adult, the FIL had come over that morning to watch their toddler. FIL could have stayed all day long and into the evening easily. Definitely long enough for OP and DH to both have an afternoon nap as they were done and home with DS2 at lunchtime.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 26/03/2022 10:56

Yes it would annoy me but I would of got over it by now . I’d be more annoyed not having much sleep for 2 years . If he’s not helping you with the baby then that’s what you need to be annoyed about . You can’t keep going over about something that happened in the past . If he currently behaves in this way then yanbu .

TheBolterdahling · 26/03/2022 11:14

Ah yes. This sounds familiar. My DH was equally shit with all three of my births. We went to his friend’s wedding when I was 37 weeks pregnant and it was quite remote, he did not stay sober, I had to get a taxi back to the hotel with our 2 year old, and he stayed out until 3am and had a couple of miles walk to where we were staying, The one condition on attending this wedding was that he would stay sober! Funnily enough we are divorced now.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/03/2022 11:40

I would hate him for this.

So you had to look after a toddler and a newborn by yourself when you got home from the hospital? While he napped???

This is the kind of thing that needs bringing up in front of mutual friends until he sees what a dick he has been IMO.

The fact that he won't admit he was wrong is extraordinary.

D0lphine · 26/03/2022 12:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be annoyed. It's more than annoying it's ridiculous behaviour.

However we are in the present, so what are you going to do about it right now. You can't change the past!

SexiestDogWalker · 26/03/2022 12:15

@NiceTwin

So ds2 is over 2 years old and you're still harping on about it? You really need to let it go.
Hmm

Yes OP, I would be annoyed too at this unresolved and unnecessary issue he created on one of the biggest days of your life.

My ex shouted at me in the postnatal ward because he was so tired after my 76 hour labour and almost dying of PPH and having an extremely traumatic surgical procedure and yet here I was, expecting him to put a pair of slippers on my feet and help me to the loo like I was incapable. When we got home, he literally had the audacity to ask me to make him some lunch as soon as we got through the door, and I was so anaemic and bewildered and traumatised and sleep deprived that I just went ahead and quietly put a sandwich together, which he took without word, ate and then took himself off upstairs for a lovely five hour sleep and left me with his three older children and a brand new baby. I haven't seen the man in 10 years but I absolutely hate him for that. Still.

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