Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know what to do

47 replies

EhEhhEhhh · 25/03/2022 00:20

Hoping for traffic as I have no idea what to do.

My Grandparents had been married for 66 years. My Grandad passed away a week ago. He had been ill for about ten months with a few hospital stays/falls and he was getting worse. Nan is 84.

My Nan is clearly in the denial stage, But I'm worried it might be more than that with the things she is saying, We are worried about her and not sure what to do or how to respond to her etc. If it matters she was there when my Grandad passed, and stayed with his body until it was taken, So about ten hours, Also, she has not slept for days.

We went to see her today and all my Grandads stuff was thrown in the front garden, She told us if we didn't remove his shed from the back garden she will set it on fire to get rid of it.

She keeps saying he didn't die and wasn't even ill, That we are all acting and playing a part in it all, She said the man that died in her house was not my Grandad but an actor wearing a mask and we all had a part to play that day.

She is saying they were never married, That he wasn't my Grandad, That he was never in the Army, instead he went away and didn't tell her where etc

She seems fixated that other members of the family who have died in the past are in fact still alive and well, Just living elsewhere and choosing not to contact her, Also say (made up names) Auntie Jackie had a heart attack years ago, it never actually happened, And Uncle Sam who went deaf isn't really deaf, etc

The cat from across the street that comes over to be petted is now a 'surveillance machine' that is passing messages to us about her, That all her neighbours are spying on her and watch her if she goes outside.

She said she is not going to the actors funeral and won't be playing our evil game with us, That we are all in on this thing, That we told her Grandad was dead to hurt her, Today she said he wasn't dead but away in Ireland (No connection to Ireland at all) and he will be back and she would prove us all wrong when he does.

She keeps repeating that she wants the truth, That she has been watched since she was a little girl and Grandad only bought the house they lived in so the neighbours could watch her.

We have tried to tell her she is grieving and she just tells us to go away, Leave her alone, She is fine, there is nothing wrong with her, Just with us, and she has nothing to grieve as he is not dead.

Never been in this situation before, Should someone be staying with her? I don't feel right leaving her alone in the frame of mind she is in, at the same time she is shouting at us, being nasty, telling us to leave the house and leave her alone etc

Anyone have any advice please? Doctor said unless she hurts herself or someone else there's nothing they can really do.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 25/03/2022 00:41

Oh I'm so sorry. Flowers I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving anyone alone like that.

If its possible and she will allow it, try to stay or have someone stay.

If it hadn't come on so suddenly, it would sound like she had alzheimer's.
She must be so tired, grief stricken and confused and her mind under so much stress.

I would also keep trying with the doctor, there must be something they can do.
I usually avoid using or suggesting medicine as much as possible with but in this case perhaps a sleeping aid or anti anxiety pill may help?

Rodion · 25/03/2022 00:42

I'd be worried this is more than grief and that she is really unwell, either a psychiatric episode or a medical issue with psychiatric symptoms which happens a fair bit in elderly populations. No wonder you're worried, it's sounds very distressing (for her and you).

I wouldn't leave her alone, no. Hard if she doesn't want you there though. If she gets to a point where she is a danger to herself or others then I think that's when you can get intervention. I don't think she actually has to have done anything to hurt anyone first. To be honest threatening to set fire to the shed sounds like it nearly fits the bill. Is her Dr concerned and wanting to stay in the loop, or not terribly interested?

I apologise, none of that is very helpful but hoping it'll serve to bump your thread and someone with some good advice will see it.

Workinghardeveryday · 25/03/2022 06:26

No advice sorry op. Just wanted to say sorry about your grandad x

DenverDoer · 25/03/2022 06:41

What an awful time for you Flowers

Excluding dementia etc, do you know if she's able to look after herself and drinking enough?

I know this sounds strange but my grandfather had a very similar episode and it was purely down to dehydration, he was hallucinating too and completely changed personality. Once he was hydrated he was himself again, no other medical issues.

Good luck x

hoochyhag · 25/03/2022 06:49

Sorry for this Thanks
I was about to say UTI, and incredible stress for her. GP would be useful to get her checked.
This hopefully may be just temporary, or sometimes what happens is that husbands/wives shield the partner with increasing dementia and when they sadly die this can expose the issues.

OvertheRainbow2U · 25/03/2022 07:13

Awful time for you all. Get on to GP first thing - give info as per your post- the GP will visit GM as it's unlikely she'll go there feeling like this. GP will signpost for appropriate assistance if needed. GP's will make home visits in cases like this.

Digestive28 · 25/03/2022 07:17

You need to call her GP asap. It sounds more than her grieving, she sounds unwell.

vdbfamily · 25/03/2022 07:18

DOCTOR is being negligent. She is clearly unwell and needs a mental health review. Please insist on a Community psychiatric nurse visiting our GP appointment urgently. Even if it is just grief related, it is extreme and they should be able to help

GeneLovesJezebel · 25/03/2022 07:21

I agree that your GP is being negligent.
She could have an infection causing the confusion, or it could be that she has been good at hiding her MH decline for some time.
She needs to be seen.

Teacupsandtoast · 25/03/2022 07:23

Doctor needs to see her - she needs a light sedation at least so she can sleep - I wouldn't be surprised if dehydration and exhaustion has caused this change if she was of previous sound mind

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/03/2022 07:24

That sounds very hard for you all. There could be a number of things at play - she may have dementia which has been hidden while your grandad was alive, a uti can really affect cognition in older people, she’s had a significant trauma which can also really affect cognitive ability and denial can also a sign of post traumatic stress. Grief can also do funny things to people but you have no way of discerning what’s going on. She really does need medical help, I’m surprised her GP won’t examine her - there’s a lot they can do to check what’s going on with her including hydrating her and treating any infection she might have. I’d go back to the GP and argue that she needs to be seen.

So sorry for your loss, I can imagine how hard it is to see your gran so distressed.

SummerHouse · 25/03/2022 07:42

This is not normal denial stage grief. She is suffering terribly and the Dr is letting her, and you down.

It's possibly PTSD or trauma induced psychosis.

Hope you can get her help and I am so sorry for what you are going through.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/03/2022 08:03

If she hasn't slept or eaten, maybe not drunk much, there's a very high chance she is dehydrated and/or has a UTI. That can cause huge confusion

She needs urgent review by a GP, and a urine sample tested.

If she previously did not have cognitive decline, I would start with a physical exam.

The poor lady 💐 condolences to you all.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 25/03/2022 08:06

Another post to say I’d strongly suspect a UTI, which can cause the type of thing you’re describing. She may well be dehydrated and mixed with the grief could be causing all kinds of delusions.

So sorry your grandma and family are going through this, and sorry for the loss of your grandpa xx

Wheniruletheworld · 25/03/2022 08:10

@EhEhhEhhh

Hoping for traffic as I have no idea what to do.

My Grandparents had been married for 66 years. My Grandad passed away a week ago. He had been ill for about ten months with a few hospital stays/falls and he was getting worse. Nan is 84.

My Nan is clearly in the denial stage, But I'm worried it might be more than that with the things she is saying, We are worried about her and not sure what to do or how to respond to her etc. If it matters she was there when my Grandad passed, and stayed with his body until it was taken, So about ten hours, Also, she has not slept for days.

We went to see her today and all my Grandads stuff was thrown in the front garden, She told us if we didn't remove his shed from the back garden she will set it on fire to get rid of it.

She keeps saying he didn't die and wasn't even ill, That we are all acting and playing a part in it all, She said the man that died in her house was not my Grandad but an actor wearing a mask and we all had a part to play that day.

She is saying they were never married, That he wasn't my Grandad, That he was never in the Army, instead he went away and didn't tell her where etc

She seems fixated that other members of the family who have died in the past are in fact still alive and well, Just living elsewhere and choosing not to contact her, Also say (made up names) Auntie Jackie had a heart attack years ago, it never actually happened, And Uncle Sam who went deaf isn't really deaf, etc

The cat from across the street that comes over to be petted is now a 'surveillance machine' that is passing messages to us about her, That all her neighbours are spying on her and watch her if she goes outside.

She said she is not going to the actors funeral and won't be playing our evil game with us, That we are all in on this thing, That we told her Grandad was dead to hurt her, Today she said he wasn't dead but away in Ireland (No connection to Ireland at all) and he will be back and she would prove us all wrong when he does.

She keeps repeating that she wants the truth, That she has been watched since she was a little girl and Grandad only bought the house they lived in so the neighbours could watch her.

We have tried to tell her she is grieving and she just tells us to go away, Leave her alone, She is fine, there is nothing wrong with her, Just with us, and she has nothing to grieve as he is not dead.

Never been in this situation before, Should someone be staying with her? I don't feel right leaving her alone in the frame of mind she is in, at the same time she is shouting at us, being nasty, telling us to leave the house and leave her alone etc

Anyone have any advice please? Doctor said unless she hurts herself or someone else there's nothing they can really do.

This sounds like Lewy Body dementia. Hallucinations and paranoia are common. Push her GP for some diagnostic tests. Her behaviour and thoughts are too extreme for simple denial. It's awful for you, but I think she does need your help!
Justcallmebebes · 25/03/2022 08:48

This is exactly what happened with my dad when my mum died last year. He was in psychosis brought on by shock. He was hospitalised and it lasted around 5 days before he came out of it. Sounds quite similar OP so I would contact her GP asap

HollowTalk · 25/03/2022 08:50

That sounds incredibly distressing. Just one thing, my mother-in-law only really showed signs of dementia when her husband died. He had been masking it for a long time I think.

HeDidWhattt · 25/03/2022 08:52

Married 66 years, then to loose a life partner, I imagine that would break most of us.
She needs help, maybe it’s bought on dementia or something, maybe she is having a break down, all understandable. My heart goes out to her and your family x

TheDaydreamBelievers · 25/03/2022 08:55

Like others, I would suggest dehydration/UTI/lack of sleep creating delirium. UTIs in older people do not always have the classic pain or urinary urgency. Other option is dementia masked by your grandpa

AgingBadly · 25/03/2022 09:00

Yep, I third the assessment by a local mental health team. If she’s having a psychotic break she needs urgent attention, irrespective of cause. Your poor grandma though, hugs to you and your family xxx

ChloeHel · 25/03/2022 09:11

I wouldn’t rule out Dementia but I would say it’s unlikely to have rapidly developed that severely overnight.

As others have mentioned it could be an infection such as a UTI, they can cause delirium in the elderly and people with dementia, so it is worth trying to get her to the GP for a urinalysis. But, with the current circumstances I can imagine that may be very hard.

It sounds more like she’s having a psychotic breakdown from grief. I would class this as urgent. This NHS link has support and advice, I really think you should definitely seek it ASAP. I am so sorry for your loss and the effect it’s having on your Nan.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

In the meantime I would try to converse with her and be as understanding as possible; don’t straight up deny her thoughts but don’t go along with them either, just listen to her and ask if there is anything you can do to help her?

I hope you get some answers soon and she gets through this!

TotalRhubarb · 25/03/2022 09:13

Sounds like she is in incredible distress.

She needs a psychiatric assessment and physical assessment to rule out infection too.

If GP tries the slippery shoulders act again, make a BIG fuss. And escalate, escalate, escalate until she’s seen. Saying ‘oh, we’ll have to phone an ambulance so she can be seen by a doctor at A&E then’ sometimes gets them moving.

They are being negligent if they fail to see her.

WomanStanleyWoman · 25/03/2022 09:18

This is such an awful situation. You’ve had some very good advice here - please do keep pushing with the GP. I really hope there’s something they can do and that you all get the support you deserve Flowers

LakieLady · 25/03/2022 09:29

@HeDidWhattt

Married 66 years, then to loose a life partner, I imagine that would break most of us. She needs help, maybe it’s bought on dementia or something, maybe she is having a break down, all understandable. My heart goes out to her and your family x
This.

My DM started showing signs of dementia when DF died. Her GP said it could just be shock and might pass, but that sometimes the shock accelerated the changes in the brain that lead to dementia.

I'm sad to say it didn't pass, but she died (of something completely unconnected) a few months later.

I'd try and get her assessed, OP and I definitely wouldn't leave her alone.

DamnUserName21 · 25/03/2022 09:48

@vdbfamily

DOCTOR is being negligent. She is clearly unwell and needs a mental health review. Please insist on a Community psychiatric nurse visiting our GP appointment urgently. Even if it is just grief related, it is extreme and they should be able to help
Need to rule out biological cause first--psych won't touch it beforehand.

OP, she definitely needs a GP to visit her and her urine dipped. Bloods, ideally.
I suggest you call 111 if cannot get hold of GP

For the foreseeable, don't dispute what she is saying and fluids, fluids, fluids if possible.