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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to expect this?

55 replies

mycatisannoying · 24/03/2022 23:21

I am meeting with my mum and sisters on Sunday for a Mother's Day lunch. I don't get to see them as often as I'd probably like, and have been really looking forward to a catch-up over a drink and some good food.

I am a single mum, but both my sisters are married and will be bringing their mothers-in-law along. Neither mentioned it to me, but it's what happened last time and it's fine. I'd rather it was just me, my mum and my sisters but it's just one of those things.
Tonight I have found out that my sister's sister-in-law is coming, and I'm feeling a bit Hmm about it. I don't know these people really and my sister's SIL is a bit of a nightmare ... my sister is never done moaning about her!
I get that my sister is trying to do a nice thing, and she is inclusive by nature (on the other hand, I would arrange to see in-laws separately in my own time). However I would have expected her to say to me 'X and X are joining us on Sunday, are you ok with that?' That's all it would have taken for me to be ok with it. But it's the assumption that annoys me. I found out they were coming from someone else entirely.
So tonight I messaged my sister and point out that it would have been good if she'd told me they were coming. Her response was to shut me down, saying that she didn't think for one minute that it would be an issue, and that I could 'sit at the other end of the table'. Confused
I replied that it's nice to acknowledge how someone is feeling about a situation, rather than steamroll over them (which my sister has form for doing).
Am I being precious and uptight, or do I have a point? It's my Mother's Day too!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
mycatisannoying · 24/03/2022 23:56

Bump

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 24/03/2022 23:59

YANBU but i don't think there is a lot you can do about it at this late stage, I'm afraid.

Spud1130 · 25/03/2022 00:02

Are the mothers in law not having lunch with their own children?

JustLyra · 25/03/2022 00:03

It sounds like your sister's have found a way to make sure all of the Mum's get to see their children on Mother's Day.

Tbh as long as your Mum is fine with it that's the main thing imo.

HeddaGarbled · 25/03/2022 00:07

Tbh as long as your Mum is fine with it that's the main thing imo

Yeah, this is a get together for your mum, not you. Don’t cause trouble.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/03/2022 00:09

Why aren’t the mothers in law seeing their sons on Mother’s Day?!

MarmiteCoriander · 25/03/2022 00:11

Why not organise a luncheon with just your mum and sister in a few weeks time?

HellToTheNope · 25/03/2022 00:14

This is what happens when things aren't clearly laid out. You could have, some time ago, spoken to your sisters and mum that you would like for this occasion to be just you and them, no in-laws. You didn't do that, and what happened last time happened this time.

All of this upset could have been prevented through communication, but you didn't communicate.

ChellyT · 25/03/2022 00:17

@HeddaGarbled

Tbh as long as your Mum is fine with it that's the main thing imo

Yeah, this is a get together for your mum, not you. Don’t cause trouble.

You're more put out that no one bothered to run the guest list past you. I could understand that if you were the one who organised the lunch? If you didn't then just go along and enjoy the day.
saraclara · 25/03/2022 00:19

It's annoying, but the last thing your mum needs is you and your sister falling out and an atmosphere at the lunch.
There was no point in you raising it with your sister at this point as she isn't going to uninvite the SIL. It was only going to cause trouble. Mentioning it a few days after the meal would be less charged, and/or better still, before you organise next year's.

Lunalicious · 25/03/2022 10:27

Where are all the sons?

Brefugee · 25/03/2022 10:29

I'd probably go out with my mum on another day than spend the time with people i'm not actually related to and don't really like.

and next time: tell them you want it to be you and your sisters and mum and nobody else

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 25/03/2022 10:30

Take your dm out for breakfast then leave them to it for lunch. What cfery!

StrangeCondition · 25/03/2022 10:35

I'd be pissed off, it completely changes the dynamic of the group. I'm surprised at these responses, usually when there's a post about others being invited to a meal/night out without checking with everyone, there's very different responses

Brefugee · 25/03/2022 10:47

I'm also interested where the sons are too

sunisblinding · 25/03/2022 11:33

@Brefugee

I'm also interested where the sons are too
Dumping the wifework on the women, as usual.
Brefugee · 25/03/2022 11:53

it's completely crazy. I mean, i loathed my MIL and wouldn't have given her the steam off my piss so this would never have flown with me. SILs - them i do like but i don't need to share precious mum-time with them.

It's just really odd. And i wouldn't really give a stuff what anyone thought of me for saying "nope". Although it would worry me if my mum was upset about it. But what does mum think about all these in-laws? My mum would probably put up with it, but she wouldn't like it so I'd be stepping in to spare her from that too.

Peppermint81 · 25/03/2022 11:56

Does your mum like the mother in laws?! I find this a really odd thing to do

DinoWino · 25/03/2022 12:03

Yeah this would bug me. It completely changes the atmosphere of the group. Going from your mum and siblings to strangers (to you!). Are the mother in laws not seeing their sons in the day for lunch instead Confused or does the lunch include the husbands and children too (your own children as well?)

I’d be annoyed to it sisters didn’t run this past you yes. So YANBU

Bdhntbis · 25/03/2022 12:10

Are their husbands coming too? If not then I don’t really understand why their mils are coming. I don’t entirely see it as a big deal that the sil is coming as obvs her mum is going

TidyDancer · 25/03/2022 12:10

I've got a friend who has a tendency to do this, inviting family members to friend gatherings without asking first. They are usually really nice people but it changes the dynamic when some people are not known to the group so I do think it's courteous to check first.

Teeturtle · 25/03/2022 12:21

It is a bit odd, unless I am misunderstanding there is only your mother who will have her children there!

That aside, if you are not the organiser, I don’t think you get to say who is invited.

Momicrone · 25/03/2022 12:31

That is annoying, the sons should be having lunch with their own mums

phoenixrosehere · 25/03/2022 12:59

This is odd. Why would the MILs of your sisters be there? Your sisters aren’t their mother. Why aren’t these MILs spending it with their own children without their children’s spouses?

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do nor do I think you should have to say that you just wanted your mother and sisters since it’s Mother’s Day. Hopefully, you’ll be able to catch up with your mum since it seems your sisters will likely be busy entertaining their other in-laws.

Curious, on how your mother feels about all this.

Original poster
mycatisannoying · 25/03/2022 13:46

Thanks for the replies everyone. Interesting food for thought, pun unintended.
The men are at home with the children, of course.

OP posts: