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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I being unreasonable to expect this?

55 replies

mycatisannoying · 24/03/2022 23:21

I am meeting with my mum and sisters on Sunday for a Mother's Day lunch. I don't get to see them as often as I'd probably like, and have been really looking forward to a catch-up over a drink and some good food.

I am a single mum, but both my sisters are married and will be bringing their mothers-in-law along. Neither mentioned it to me, but it's what happened last time and it's fine. I'd rather it was just me, my mum and my sisters but it's just one of those things.
Tonight I have found out that my sister's sister-in-law is coming, and I'm feeling a bit about it. I don't know these people really and my sister's SIL is a bit of a nightmare ... my sister is never done moaning about her!
I get that my sister is trying to do a nice thing, and she is inclusive by nature (on the other hand, I would arrange to see in-laws separately in my own time). However I would have expected her to say to me 'X and X are joining us on Sunday, are you ok with that?' That's all it would have taken for me to be ok with it. But it's the assumption that annoys me. I found out they were coming from someone else entirely.
So tonight I messaged my sister and point out that it would have been good if she'd told me they were coming. Her response was to shut me down, saying that she didn't think for one minute that it would be an issue, and that I could 'sit at the other end of the table'.
I replied that it's nice to acknowledge how someone is feeling about a situation, rather than steamroll over them (which my sister has form for doing).
Am I being precious and uptight, or do I have a point? It's my Mother's Day too!!

OP posts:

minniep · 25/03/2022 13:54

It wouldn't be my type of thing but I know lots of women who do things like this for Mother's Day. They make it more of female get together rather than a Mother's Day thing if that makes sense.

Original poster

mycatisannoying · 25/03/2022 13:55

I have spoken to mum about it, and she was a bit baffled but not annoyed, per se. Nobody ever calls my sister out on anything.
It was just the arrogance of my sister's response that irked me. Not for one second did she think she had done anything wrong.
She does have a bit of a Saint complex. So will moan about people but at the same time can't do enough for them.
To those who have made the point about it altering the dynamic of the group, you are absolutely right.
To make matters worse, my sister's (the organiser) MIL doesn't know that her own daughter (sister's SIL) is going to be there. So there's going to be a surprise element to the thing, as organised by my sister. I just feel it's going to take over a bit, and without meaning to sound ungracious or horrible, these people don't really mean anything to me
My sister should have arranged this in her own time, perhaps as a separate evening thing.

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 25/03/2022 14:04

Along with several other PPs, I'm also confused as to why the sons are not taking their mothers out to lunch??

Momicrone · 25/03/2022 14:08

And also confused why mothers aren't out with their own kids, that's what I think mothers day is about, if you have kids . Your sister sounds very rude

Marvellousmadness · 25/03/2022 14:08

I get both sides of the story

Maybe meet up with your mum and sis beforehand for a quick little cuppa at home?

Original poster

mycatisannoying · 25/03/2022 14:11

It's a ladies' afternoon out. No point splitting hairs over it.

OP posts:

YoComoManzanas · 25/03/2022 14:15

Well this is a bit batshit if the sons aren't gonna be there.
Where does it end. Are the sils inviting their other siblings and in laws too? Tables gonna be massive.
It's a bit late to kick up a fuss now but I'd be tempted to organise a seperate thing with just my mum (and probably bow out of the lunch with strangers).

50DaysAF · 25/03/2022 14:16

I’d also arrange to do something in the morning with your mum and swerve the lunch.

Vote with your feet!

Beees · 25/03/2022 14:18

I wouldn't go to be honest. I'd arrange to do something separately with your mum at another time and spend the day with you children.

I'm absolutely bewildered that both the MILs don't actually want to see their own children and grandchildren but would instead like to see their daughter in laws sister and gatecrash someone else's mother's day lunch.

billy1966 · 25/03/2022 14:23

Your sister is one of those two faced people that pretend to nice and kind but talk about people behind their back.

Yuck!

Of course she was rude but why doesn't that surprise me.

She has hijacked a lunch for your mum with trying to be seen to be so nice to her in laws.

Stay at the other end of the table with your mother and leave her to her false good works.🙄

LookItsMeAgain · 25/03/2022 14:29

What I'd do is pop over to visit your Mum on Mother's day, bring her a gift (if you were going to do that) and then leave. Don't show up at the lunch. If anyone asks, say "I've already seen Mum today and we'll do lunch another time, just the two of us. I didn't want to sit with Mary and Jane (the other MiL's) as they are not my mother's-in-law but they are yours. Did your husbands do something with their mothers for Mother's day?"

In fact, if you happen to be on good terms with any of the Brothers-in-law, you might check with them what they are doing for their mums and if asked, say that you've done the same for yours. Then your sisters can't come back and complain to you. If it good enough for their husbands, it's good enough for you

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 25/03/2022 14:43

Its really weird to bring MIL to YOUR mums Mother’s Day!!! On Sunday I’m seeing my mum and my husband is seeing his mum, I don’t want to see her nor would my mum 😂

Viviennemary · 25/03/2022 14:51

Just leave them to it and don't go. Just meet your mum and sister on a different day.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/03/2022 15:29

Your DSis sounds very controlling, I wonder what details her Dmil is actually aware of, she may be expecting to see her DS.

PinkSyCo · 25/03/2022 16:28

Unless your mum gets on exceptionally well with the MILs it’s her I feel sorry for!

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 16:33

So what's actually happened is that your DSis has arranged to take her DM and MIL out for Mother's Day and has invited all the daughters?

That puts a different spin on it so I think YABU.

If you'd been the organiser I'd have thought differently.

GabriellaMontez · 25/03/2022 16:58

Yanbu. Make sure it doesn't happen next year.

It's weird though. All those mums. Mainly without their children....

phoenixrosehere · 25/03/2022 18:43

So what's actually happened is that your DSis has arranged to take her DM and MIL out for Mother's Day and has invited all the daughters?

These MILs also have sons so..

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 18:45

@phoenixrosehere

So what's actually happened is that your DSis has arranged to take her DM and MIL out for Mother's Day and has invited all the daughters?

These MILs also have sons so..

Which makes no difference if she's intentionally only done it for the women so they can have afternoon tea without the children, like OP has said.

phoenixrosehere · 25/03/2022 18:51

Which makes no difference if she's intentionally only done it for the women so they can have afternoon tea without the children, like OP has said.

But OP wasn’t told that until after the fact. OP didn’t know that upfront and neither did her mum if I read her posts correctly. OP may not have organised it but it is an odd way of doing things and if that was her sister’s intention from the get-go she should have said that from the beginning.

Unsureaboutit9 · 25/03/2022 18:53

I’m missing the point I no, but I think it’s a little miserable everyone’s spending Mother’s Day away from their kids. It would have been nicer to ask, but you said you’d have been absolutely fine with it if she’d have asked in advance so I’m sure it won’t ruin your day. Just try and make the most of it I guess because it’s not like anyone can be uninvited.

knittingaddict · 25/03/2022 18:55

That was my first thought too. Why aren't they having a lunch with their actual children on mother's day?

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 18:58

@phoenixrosehere I don't think it's a massive issue having one extra person there if both MILs are going anyway. OP doesn't seem to have an issue with that - just the SIL.

phoenixrosehere · 25/03/2022 19:04

@girlmom21

True. Saying that, might as well turned it into a party for the families so everyone could spend it with their mothers.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/03/2022 19:06

Definitely not the sister in law, but a boozy lunch with dm, mil and dsil, and dsil and her dm and ds sounds like a gorgeous Mother's Day 😂😂😂 but then it would be 3 mothers and their daughters so I guess that's completely different.

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