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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether your proposal/engagement was really a ‘surprise’?

79 replies

Daxibel · 24/03/2022 15:51

There’s been various posts on here recently about time periods for getting engaged, ‘how long to wait’, whether to impose deadlines and all sorts. I genuinely find it surprising seeing how many people in adult relationships claim to just sit back and wait for a proposal without discussing future plans with their partner beforehand and both agreeing timescales for marriage as soon as things start to get serious (if both parties want to marry of course).

It seems that many women still expect a fairytale proposal out of the blue which comes as a complete surprise. In my mind, those are the sorts of scenarios that happen mostly in movies and much more rarely in real life?! Hmm

So I’m genuinely interested to know, for those of you married or engaged, had you previously already discussed your plans for the future and timescales e.g. both agreed you’d like to marry by xyz number of years together, or was your proposal at the time period it occurred a complete surprise?

YABU - we hadn’t discussed it beforehand
YANBU - we had already spoken about our expectations and timescales around marriage

OP posts:
Justkeeppedaling · 24/03/2022 15:52

Well, we'd only known each other for 10 days, so yes, the proposal was a surprise! That was 30+ years ago - still married :)

TheFlis12345 · 24/03/2022 15:55

Complete surprise. We’d had notional chats about ‘if we get married one day’ and both said we would only move in with someone we were sure we would marry so it was loosely on the cards one day, but neither of us were in a hurry so no timescales in mind and I was not expecting the proposal at all when it happened on holiday.

QforCucumber · 24/03/2022 15:59

We had been together 5 years, had a baby and had discussed maybe getting married one day but it wasn't anything in depth, he completely blindsided me on my 30th birthday with it.

Strokethefurrywall · 24/03/2022 16:02

Yep, total surprise. He was only 25 when he proposed (I was 30) and it hadn't even crossed my mind when he got down on one knee.
I thought he was trying to find the rest of my Christmas presents!

Married 12 years in June.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/03/2022 16:05

Knew he was going to propose. We were waiting until I had graduated and he had commissioned.

Mommabear20 · 24/03/2022 16:07

We'd discussed if we wanted to marry, kids etc but no timeline. I knew he had bought the ring but the actual proposal was a surprise as didn't know when or where he would do it

TulipsTwoLips · 24/03/2022 16:08

We'd talked about it, but not quite as formally as setting a timescale! But no, it wasn't a surprise.

Whilst I'm sure it's a surprise for loads of people, I think some people think a surprise proposal is better and don't always tell the truth. I know of at least three friends who spent a while telling me about how they had told their DHs they wanted to get married soon and started discussing venues etc, looking at dresses etc then claimed it was a total surprise!

PaddlingLikeADuck · 24/03/2022 16:09

My proposal was completely out the blue!

I had no idea it was coming and it was amazing.

PiesNotGuys · 24/03/2022 16:09

Yes, it was a surprise when he proposed. He was surprised when I said no too (and that if he ever attempted to propose again I’d leave him).

Bbq1 · 24/03/2022 16:12

Complete suprise! We had only been dating for 6 months but although it was never discussed we each knew the other was 'The One'. My then bf took me to a lovely restaurant and popped the question there. It was very romantic. Dh and I are still together almost 25 years later.

DailyMailHater · 24/03/2022 16:12

Total surprise we had been together for 18 months, lived together for 6 months, we had spoken about “in the future” etc etc but I wasn’t expecting a proposal at all, thought it would be another year or so.

FirewomanSam · 24/03/2022 16:14

Discussing it beforehand doesn’t mean that the proposal itself can’t still be a surprise.

We had talked enough to know we wanted to get married and I knew the proposal was probably imminent but when it actually happened it was completely unexpected.

Chilledchablis1 · 24/03/2022 16:15

We had only been together for 4 weeks when he proposed. Completely unexpected but wonderful. 30+ years later , no regrets .

DogsAndGin · 24/03/2022 16:17

My DH hates keeping secrets and is frankly incapable! Whenever he’s bought me a gift he comes bounding in all excited and tells me straight away! The ring was so exception!

fridgepants · 24/03/2022 16:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Echobelly · 24/03/2022 16:18

We hadn't talked about timescales, but we had talked about the idea of getting married in the months before. The proposal, from DH, was a surprise for both of us as he hadn't planned it at all and he said it just kind of came out and he says he had to check for just a second in his head he could stand by it, and yes, he very much could. We'd only moved in together a month before (after 3 years as a couple) and I hadn't really thought of timescale but I suppose I assumed a proposal might happen after we'd lived together for a bit.

noblegreenk · 24/03/2022 16:19

It was a surprise for me. We'd been together for just over 2 years when he proposed. I lost my Mum a year prior to his proposal, so getting married hadn't really been on my mind due to bereavement. We had discussed marriage in the fairly early days of our relationship. We'd both expressed that we'd always wanted to get married to the right person at some point, but we hadn't spoken about US specifically getting married.

Traumdeuter · 24/03/2022 16:20

@QforCucumber

We had been together 5 years, had a baby and had discussed maybe getting married one day but it wasn't anything in depth, he completely blindsided me on my 30th birthday with it.
See, I find this utterly baffling tbh - you had a baby together, which is already a huge lifelong commitment and way more serious than marriage!
Boood · 24/03/2022 16:21

We had discussed marriage, and I thought it was something I wanted and he was unbothered about. The proposal came completely out of the blue and it was very romantic.

Subeccoo · 24/03/2022 16:22

No, we discussed it and got engaged!

burnoutbabe · 24/03/2022 16:23

A surprise in that one day at home he says he'd to get me x for my birthday and then "also a ring"

So very casual low key proposal.

So we booked a big trip away on my birthday and announced on that day in Paris.

In the end I got x but never a ring as Mir my style

Tohaveandtohold · 24/03/2022 16:25

@fridgepants, we’re similar.
I got engaged a week before my wedding, i wasn’t expecting it because we were already about to get married so it was a surprise in a way but not the way you intend. We dated for around 3.5 years and he already said he wants to get married to me within 6 months. We met our families and we just agreed to get married after I finish my degree, we set a date for the wedding and planned accordingly.

Zazdar · 24/03/2022 16:26

Mine was a surprise in as much as I wasn’t expecting it when and where it happened.

sweetzy · 24/03/2022 16:27

No but he thinks it was. I'd innocently found a couple of jewellers leaflets and then a receipt and bag. I wasn't looking, he was just shit at hiding.
I didn't want to ruin it for him as he obviously wanted to surprise me.

QuirkyTurtle · 24/03/2022 16:27

I knew an engagement was coming at some point, but the time and place it did happen was a complete surprise.

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