To ask whether your proposal/engagement was really a ‘surprise’?

[Daxibel]

There’s been various posts on here recently about time periods for getting engaged, ‘how long to wait’, whether to impose deadlines and all sorts. I genuinely find it surprising seeing how many people in adult relationships claim to just sit back and wait for a proposal without discussing future plans with their partner beforehand and both agreeing timescales for marriage as soon as things start to get serious (if both parties want to marry of course).

It seems that many women still expect a fairytale proposal out of the blue which comes as a complete surprise. In my mind, those are the sorts of scenarios that happen mostly in movies and much more rarely in real life?!

So I’m genuinely interested to know, for those of you married or engaged, had you previously already discussed your plans for the future and timescales e.g. both agreed you’d like to marry by xyz number of years together, or was your proposal at the time period it occurred a complete surprise?

YABU - we hadn’t discussed it beforehand
YANBU - we had already spoken about our expectations and timescales around marriage

We'd been together for over 10 years before DH proposed. We'd spoken about it and marriage was definitely part of the plan but we'd never set any sort of deadline or timeframe on it. We wanted to live together first then take it from there.

DH thinks the proposal was a surprise, but he'd dropped so many unsubtle hints that I knew it was coming. It wasn't a grand romantic gesture, just at home, but it was perfect for us.

What meant the most to me was that he'd spoken to my parents beforehand, had spent a lot of time researching what type of ring to get and had done it all on his own (I'd always assumed he'd ask his DM for help in choosing a ring), including remembering to take another ring of mine with him when he went shopping so they could size it correctly.

I've never told anyone IRL that I knew it was coming (I also found the receipt for the ring!) as I don't want to burst his bubble.

We had been together 3 years but we'd only just graduated from University so it came a complete surprise. We got married the following year and I had my daughter that Christmas.

I broke my leg the week before the wedding ( riding accident ) so my father carried me down the aisle and my husband carried me back. Everybody clapped and cheered.

Still married 22 years later. Still love him just as much. Still riding.

Am genuinely very happy for lots of previous posters. Am happily married myself and think that marriage is a worthwhile - on the whole - institution. (We discussed it and agreed, FWIW.) But ultimately marriage is a legal and financial commitment, rather than an emotional one. We can make those any old time. And we often do. Great - I'm really not criticising. But would anyone suggesting a mortgage do the same 'marriage proposal', for instance? That is just - in real life day-to-day managment terms - as important.

It was a surprise in that I wasn't expecting it at that moment. It wasn't a surprise in the sense of having no idea he wanted to marry me.

Complete surprise. We’d been together a year and he had the chance to move overseas for a year for work. He asked me to come with him but no mention of marriage. 3 months later, before I moved, he took me out to dinner and proposed. 17th wedding anniversary this year and we’re still overseas.

No not a real surprise. We'd been together for 8 years and I'd made clear that I was ready for a proposal to happen.

It was a genuine surprise for me. It was 16 months after dating and we were very unusual in that we didn't live together until after our wedding.

We were abroad but had been a few times so it came out of the blue. 13 years ago

XDH1 was a surprise, XDH2 not, the other seven proposals with rings were expected just as I was planning on ending those relationships.

Yep, I'm happily single aged 50 and long may that last!

No not a surprise, I chose the ring! We have always had joint finances, so I would have known if he went out and dropped a wad of money on a ring. The proposal itself was a disaster though!

[quote Tohaveandtohold]@fridgepants, we’re similar.
I got engaged a week before my wedding, i wasn’t expecting it because we were already about to get married so it was a surprise in a way but not the way you intend. We dated for around 3.5 years and he already said he wants to get married to me within 6 months. We met our families and we just agreed to get married after I finish my degree, we set a date for the wedding and planned accordingly.[/quote]
But you were already getting married, so when you say you got engaged a week before, what do you mean?? Engagement means you are agreeing to get married.

Or you you mean you literally decided to get married a week before you did it?

I’d dropped a few hints so not really, but I wasn’t expecting it when he proposed in my parents driveway as we were heading out for dinner (it was a very pretty treelined drive). I think he just thought what the hell…

The romance of the moment was slightly compromised by my dad shouting from an upstairs window for us to take the bins out! We still laugh about it. Been married 20+ years

Not a surprise at all. I even knew when and where it would be. Totally unromantic, and not what the Instagram post would appear.

YANBU - we discussed marriage as I wanted to have a year married before we tried for a baby - Covid completely scuppered that plan! My OH arranged a trip out of the blue so I had a feeling, but it was still lovely that the ring was a surprise. TBH I think a lot of people say it was a surprise when they knew really. I was a bit disappointed at first that I knew it was coming, but it meant I didn't start any pointless rows on the trip haha

We went away for a weekend, I knew we were going away to get engaged.

Vague discussions about marriage way in the future. Knew we were committed. The proposal surprised me though.

Yes total surprise. We hadn't discussed it at all.

Neither. We'd discussed many things beforehand - including our thoughts on marriage, kids, how family life would work, future plans, whether our worldviews lined up - but we hadn't discussed timescales beyond early infertility was an issue many women in my maternal line. I was still up in the air about having kids at that point so it was more to give him warning.

The proposal came mid-conversation, complete surprise - prior to that conversation, I was planning on returning to my birth country less than a fortnight later. I wasn't raised to expect to get married so I had no fairytale ideas and wasn't waiting around - I was only 18! We spent a day discussing it on and off, and I said yes on a walk hours later, and we eloped a few months later in a way that years on is no longer legal. We were on one hand reckless, but on another hand, if we'd waited, we likely wouldn't have made the requirements to settle in the UK.

Generally discussed getting married and having a family as what we both wanted but the proposal was a surprise. I was also surprised with a ring that he had chosen.
We were away on a city break and he spent ages trying to choose the right moment. In the end it was in a quite corner of a courtyard bar and I had a massive G&T. It was perfect for me as I would have hated a big scene at a fountain or up a monument or something

Total surprise. Not very romantic though. We were walking the dog in the woods and discussing income tax. I pointed out (at that time) our tax situation would be better if we were married, but added that I knew he didn't want to after his awful first marriage. He then said that he did want to marry me, but thought I wouldn't want to after my dreadful divorce. We were engaged by the time we got home and married seven months later. Still so happy.

We decided to get married when I found out I was pregnant and set a date. Dh still wanted to surprise me with a proposal though. He proposed at night overlooking the bay of Naples. It was very romantic - wish I could remember what he said!

A bit of both. We had discussed getting married but my DF wanted to wait 5 years. He proposed 4 years in so it was a surprise as I thought I had another year to wait!

The proposal was a surprise in the sense that I didn’t know when it would happen. But it wasn’t a surprise in the sense that we had already bought a house together, discussed timescales, and I’d made it very clear I wanted to be married before I’d consider having children.

We discussed it many times. Could never synchronise when we both felt ready. Eventually agreed we weren't bothered as both been married before and as not planning to have children together there was no need. Then we went on holiday and he produced a diamond ring. As he had already bought the ring I said yes but I was totally surprised.

We knew we'd get married very quickly into our relationship, so I knew he'd propose at some point but hadn't a clue when. We'd been together about a year when he managed to take me totally by surprise with a proposal. He didn't have a ring as he knows how fussy I am about everything jewellery, so proposed with a lovely bouquet of flowers. We went to choose the ring together the next day, that was really special.

Didn't bother with a proposal at all!
We'd chatted about marriage a bit to make sure it was on the cards for both of us. Then one of those conversations turned into us agreeing we would like to get married, and that was us engaged.
We'd have both hated the performance of a 'proposal'.