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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my DB? His divorce etc

35 replies

TastyM · 24/03/2022 14:49

DB and his wife (been together for 15 years) with 2 DC are my neighbors. In May last year DB decided out of the blue he wanted to separate and he left the family home. Asking me to please be there for SIL and his DC which is ofcourse what I would do naturally, but he asked me anyway.

I and as it turns out everyone was suspicious that there must be a 3rd party involved and a few months later DB’s love of his life colleague from another country moves to our country and DB and her move in.

I realize this isn’t my marriage and I cannot judge DB. But he is furious with me for maintaining contact, my friendship and support to my SIL and my niece and nephew.

He has lashed out at me because I haven’t met his new lady yet. I was out of the country for 3 months and since being back have had Covid so not ideal.

Aibu to continue my friendship with my SIL? I adore their children too and they’re my neighbors.

OP posts:
pantsandpringles · 24/03/2022 14:52

DB is a bit of a twat tbh. He should be maintaining a good relationship with his ex, to ensure childcare is split amicably.

FabFitFifties · 24/03/2022 14:58

Ignore him. I wouldn't think much of you if you just dropped your SIL, never mind the children. He probably would argue that you'll get to see them when you visit him and new partner etc. He can't control everyone's relationships, to suit him.

cherryonthecakes · 24/03/2022 15:20

You're 100% doing the right thing imo.

Remind the selfish twat of your circumstances (out the country and Covid) and in your shoes I wouldn't change a thing about my behaviour.

Justcallmebebes · 24/03/2022 15:25

So your brother bins his wife and kids and expects you to do the same. And they're your neighbours too. Nice!

lemongreentea · 24/03/2022 15:30

you sound like a great person and sil OP.

Brefugee · 24/03/2022 15:33

Your DB is a knob and he knows it, really. You sound lovely and it is great that you're keeping up a relationship with (ex)SIL.

As for meeting the new woman in DBs life? that is entirely up to you, isn't it?

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 24/03/2022 15:37

What he's really furious about is that you being friends with your SIL and children is the decent thing and it stops him from airbrushing his shitty behaviour and living his new wonderful life with the new woman.

Danikm151 · 24/03/2022 15:56

This woman became a part of your family. The children are your family too.
How could you in good consciousness ignore them, even if they weren't close neighbours.
Tell him to sod off.

spacehardware · 24/03/2022 15:58

Has your brother cut off his own children then? Sounds like it if he doesn't want you to see them

What a tosser. YANBU

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 15:58

She's your sister in law, friend, neighbour and mother to your niece(s) and/or nephew(s).

Your brother is a knob.

TolkiensFallow · 24/03/2022 16:00

You’re in the right. Why does he want his children to lose their aunt aswell as their dad? Men!

bonfireheart · 24/03/2022 16:00

Your SIL is so much better of without him, as are all of you.

SpilltheTea · 24/03/2022 16:34

It's none of his business and I'd be telling him to piss off. She's your friend.

HellToTheNope · 24/03/2022 16:37

Tell your brother to fuck off to the far side. HE was the one who chose to abandon his family. You don't have to do anything of the kind. Who you have in your life is none of his business.

Chely · 24/03/2022 16:40

I'd disown him before her and the kids the CF!

CaveMum · 24/03/2022 16:43

Of course your DB is the unreasonable one, and yes you are well within your rights to maintain a relationship with your sister in law and your nieces/nephews. Why on earth wouldn’t you?!

Re meeting his new GF, I wouldn’t go out of my way to avoid her (it’s your DB at fault here and you don’t know what he may have told her about his marriage), but equally I wouldn’t break my neck to meet her. When you do meet her, be civil and polite and don’t get drawn into anything.

PerseverancePays · 24/03/2022 18:54

You brother is angry because of his own bad behaviour and is trying to make it about you.
Your SIL is family; she is related to her own children and they in turn are related to you, you are all related.
Your brother has exiled himself from the family and is shouting in the wilderness. Ignore him, he's being a giant twat. He needs to calm down and figure out how to be a good dad and ex husband ,and brother.

HikingforScenery · 24/03/2022 19:28

I know violence is not the answer but it’s appears your DB needs to have some sense knocked into him. Is he feeling guilty? He should surely be appreciative that his sister and the mother of his children get on well?

Original poster
TastyM · 25/03/2022 10:02

Been pondering the responses.

I found out today he’s been asking other neighbors in the street how often SIL and I see eachother. Can you imagine being asked this question? No one has answered this as no one believes it’s his business and they don’t keep watch over us.

I’ve fallen out with my other siblings as they think I’ve let DB down as well by maintaining my friendship with SIL and I truly believe I’m doing the right thing. But when my family go on this way I feel like we must have been brought up in different homes (we were not) as our values and moral compass is so different.

OP posts:
cherryonthecakes · 25/03/2022 10:16

Scary that he's been questioning neighbours.

It must be hard for you going against the rest of your family but you are doing the right thing. How can they cut off the children and your SIL overnight like that ?

incognitoforthisone · 25/03/2022 10:19

I'm confused: he ASKED you to be there for his ex, and now he's decided that you shouldn't be there for her? He's a twat.

I'm pretty close to my ex-SIL and DB doesn't mind at all!

Original poster
TastyM · 25/03/2022 10:22

They aren’t cutting off the children but have all this to say behind SIL’s back. (They are not divorced yet.)

When DC are with DB then they have contact with them. Only DB and I live close by, rest of family are far.

OP posts:
HW1989 · 25/03/2022 10:24

So he up and left his wife and kids for another woman and now thinks YABU for being there for them? He sounds awful. Does he still support his DC? YANBU at all and should absolutely continue to be there for them.

timeisnotaline · 25/03/2022 10:26

Social media- post a photo a day of you and sil / you and his dc/ you, sil and dc having fun. Reply once to him- you shouldn’t have moved in next to me, made it so we are all friends, asked me to look after her and your dc then fucked off wiht another woman, and THEN expect me to pretend she doesn’t exist. I’m going along with the only decent thing you’ve done here which is ask me to look after them.

Ignore all communications for quite some time.

purpleboy · 25/03/2022 10:31

Your absolutely doing the right thing.
I can't even imagine what your SIL has felt the past year, she is surely devastated, and you see on here so often how hurt women are when their in laws who they previously felt close too, stop contact and side automatically with their family member. It's another kick in the teeth for them.

Don't let your morally corrupt family tell you, you are in the wrong because your not. It's not your fault your bother is full of shame and embarrassment, your doing what's right for the kids, and that has to be the most important thing here.

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