Or is my DB? His divorce etc

[TastyM]

DB and his wife (been together for 15 years) with 2 DC are my neighbors. In May last year DB decided out of the blue he wanted to separate and he left the family home. Asking me to please be there for SIL and his DC which is ofcourse what I would do naturally, but he asked me anyway.

I and as it turns out everyone was suspicious that there must be a 3rd party involved and a few months later DB’s love of his life colleague from another country moves to our country and DB and her move in.

I realize this isn’t my marriage and I cannot judge DB. But he is furious with me for maintaining contact, my friendship and support to my SIL and my niece and nephew.

He has lashed out at me because I haven’t met his new lady yet. I was out of the country for 3 months and since being back have had Covid so not ideal.

Aibu to continue my friendship with my SIL? I adore their children too and they’re my neighbors.

My ex absolutely hates that I have stayed on good terms with his family after he left for ow. Mostly I think because he's scared I might mean the utter bollocks he tells them about me, the financial side etc might get rumbled. His parents are involved in contact arrangements for various reasons and he tried for a while to ban me from contacting them directly about logistics. Men who do this are v v keen to get everyone to forget or pretend that there was any cheating and that's much harder if family are still in contact with the ex and possibly hearing about crappy disney dadding or dicking about with maintenance

I wonder how much is coming from his new girlfriend. It’s quite the backflip from specifically asking you to be there for her. Either way, he’s a nasty piece of work.

Even taking poor SIL out of it, a good father would be glad his children had the support and a close relationship with their aunt, even if the relationship breakdown had been her fault and not him leaving. WTF are your family doing taking his side? There’s no defending this! You however are a good person. I’m sure SIL really appreciates it.

It often goes south when the realities hit and te ex starts asking for decent maintenance, a contact schedule ec and doesn't just piss off quietly. That might explain the change from the starting attitude.

Yeah he’s trying to pretend his ex doesn’t exist, it’s shame. He wants to make her not quite real, just some woman he used to know. There isn’t a “side” he dumped her for OW. If everyone forgets her, they forget what he did and he can move on. Cutting off with her would imply she had actually done something to deserve it.

You are doing absolutely the right thing OP, I would do the same.

You sound like the only decent person in your family right now, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your DB has turned your SIL's life and his own children's lives upside down and now wants you to cold shoulder them? Unbelievable. He has no concept of putting his kids first, does he?

My family have stepped back from SIL since DB would not give SIL a fair settlement and a court showdown was likely. So DB told everyone to stay away from SIL as any relationship we have with her can be used in court against him.

I refused.

Since then DB threatened to fight for custody of the DC and while I know this is not truly what DB wants as he’s enjoying uncomplicated life with his young love. It was enough of a scare to get my SIL to agree to a terribly unfair settlement.

Putting this down makes me feel ashamed that it’s my brother that has behaved like this ! And he’s so selfish, not able to think about his DC and how everything has affected them.

Wow. Are you my (ex) SIL? Your dB sounds a lot like my ex, including guilting his mum into dropping relations with me while we were in court. No real advice other than I suppose try to stay out of any direct disputes, don't try and explain her side of things to him or the rest of the family, just maintain the relationships with a lot of tongue biting.

You sound like a lovely person OP, your SIL is lucky to have you.

In yoir Post yoi said originally he asked you to be there for your Sil and the kids. What has changed?
She is your friend and neighbour and your DCs are cousins. Why would you cut them off?
Your brother is an utter prick and so are the rest of the family who want to cut her off.
Tell him to never darken your doorstep ever again!!

I can only echo what others have said. In your shoes I'd keep up my relationship with SIL. She is the injured party in all this.

My MIL kept on touch with DH's brother's wife after they split. She is lovely and quite frankly BIL is a Pratt. Also, as they live in Canada, SIL provided photos and updates about the DC when BIL never got around to it.