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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU (bly) upset of dd's tattoo

30 replies

CheesePlantMurderer · 24/03/2022 13:06

My daughter has had a tattoo and has included my own mothers DOB as part of it. My mum is very much alive and well btw if that's relevant!

She told me she was doing so, I didn't challenge it as it's her body etc

But now it's done I feel quite hurt she didn't even consider for one second to have anything to do with me as part of it.

I'll not comment or make any form of fuss. Just wondered if I'm being weird about it.

Full disclosure she's been difficult since puberty and isn't close to me or her dad (or my mum unless she wants something) or indeed her siblings. Saddens me and I try hard to engage etc but it's just how she is.

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 24/03/2022 13:21

Seems like a pass-ag FU to you and her dad.

Mangogogogo · 24/03/2022 13:23

Yeah this is strange, I have tattoos and people always ask me if I’ll regret them. I think your daughters will be one she regrets when older

curlycat · 24/03/2022 13:28

I understand why you are upset of you don't have a good relationship with her.
My DD had her grans DOB tattooed on her ankle in Roman numerals when she was still alive. Her reasoning was everyone gets tattoos after a loved one dies and she wanted her to know she had it.
Her gran was her favourite person in the whole world so it didn't upset me. I know my place!!
Since then my mum and dad have drawn a loveheart each and she has them tattooed on her other ankle

LabMix · 24/03/2022 13:49

@curlycat

I understand why you are upset of you don't have a good relationship with her. My DD had her grans DOB tattooed on her ankle in Roman numerals when she was still alive. Her reasoning was everyone gets tattoos after a loved one dies and she wanted her to know she had it. Her gran was her favourite person in the whole world so it didn't upset me. I know my place!! Since then my mum and dad have drawn a loveheart each and she has them tattooed on her other ankle
This is totally off topic but I’ve always wondered… what is a ‘love heart’ and how does it differ from a normal heart shape? Why not just say heart (presuming it’s not a different thing)?
MajesticElephant · 24/03/2022 14:15

@LabMix To me, a love heart is like the sweets

CallMeDaddy58 · 24/03/2022 16:07

A love is ❤️ but a heart is round blob with valves coming out of it.

CounsellorTroi · 24/03/2022 16:13

My DD had her grans DOB tattooed on her ankle in Roman numerals when she was still alive. Her reasoning was everyone gets tattoos after a loved one dies and she wanted her to know she had it.

Is this really a thing? I had no idea.

curlycat · 24/03/2022 22:12

Does it really matter if it's a 'thing' . It's something my DD wanted and made her and her gran happy

SevenWaystoLeave · 24/03/2022 22:19

So you don't have a close relationship with her, but she is close with her grandma, your mum? And you're cross that her tattoo references that close relationship?

Is the problem actually the tattoo or a bit of jealousy that she's closer to your mum than you?

PriamFarrl · 24/03/2022 22:22

It sounds like she’s done it to either provoke a reaction or because she wants the tattoo.
Either way nod and smile.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 24/03/2022 22:28

Nod, smile and quietly enjoy the fact she’ll probably regret the tattoo at some point.

My sister used to send cards with everyone’s name, including the dogs but leave me off when she was a teen. It didn’t bother me which in turn bothered her much more!

trancepants · 24/03/2022 22:34

what is a ‘love heart’ and how does it differ from a normal heart shape? Why not just say heart (presuming it’s not a different thing)?

Actual hearts look nothing like love hearts.

AIBU (bly) upset of dd's tattoo
PferdeMerde · 24/03/2022 22:41

It's a bit weird to be jealous that your daughter didn't include you in her crappy tattoo.

Original poster
CheesePlantMurderer · 25/03/2022 03:37

Thanks everyone!

Nodding and smiling is exactly what I've done. I'm not angry or jealous and no, she's not close to my mum either as I made clear. Never ever contacts her unless she wants to be bought something sadly!

It just provoked some kind of feeling in me and I don't really get why she'd choose to have that date on her tattoo. There's no animosity between her and any of us, I don't like to speak badly of her but she's quite a cold, emotionless person generally and has stated this about herself, which I guess makes the sentimental tattoo seem a little stranger

@curlycat your daughter's sounds lovely and fitting as they're so very close. That's not remotely the case here.

Thanks for all replies. I hope she doesn't regret it for her sake! My eldest immediately said " I didn't know grandma had passed away Hmm" which provoked a bitch fest, but I left them to it and remained noncommittal.

OP posts:
TomPinch · 25/03/2022 03:44

I'd be more upset because it's a silly thing to do. I have my family's dates of birth written in a book. The thought of having a 'backup' inked indelibly on my skin has never occurred to me.

DIYandEatCake · 25/03/2022 06:57

I obviously don’t know your daughter, but there’s the possibility that there’s a bit more to this than you’re seeing… maybe she struggles to express her feelings and it’s a show of affection for her grandma on some way, maybe she wants some closer family relationships, who knows. But it doesn’t seem like something you’d do to spite someone. I think give her the benefit of the doubt and try to see the feelings behind it.. even if it seems a bit clumsily done.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/03/2022 07:01

maybe she thought it would up her chances in the will stakes?

Original poster
CheesePlantMurderer · 25/03/2022 09:35

@ThinWomansBrain

maybe she thought it would up her chances in the will stakes?
It has been said haha but not happening.

I'm going to gently ask what led her to that particular tattoo and script as I'm curious.

OP posts:
refreshingseahorse · 25/03/2022 10:10

"My eldest immediately said " I didn't know grandma had passed away hmm" "

This is hilarious, well done to your eldest.

incognitoforthisone · 25/03/2022 10:10

Presumably your daughter's an adult? It doesn't sound like a particularly well thought-out tattoo, but what's done is done. I love tattoos and have several, but I'm glad I didn't have them done until I was in my 30s.

You mention she isn't close to you and that you've found her for difficult for years, and in your follow-up posts you sound like you really don't like her very much. You haven't said a single positive thing about her. This isn't a criticism of you, by the way! She might well be a nightmare for all I know. But given all of this, I don't think it's at all surprising that she hasn't discussed, or included you in, her tattoo design.

To be honest, I think she's just chosen her grandmother's date of birth because subconsciously, she's probably bothered deep down (even if she won't admit it) that she doesn't have a great relationship with you or her dad, and is kind of underlining that by getting a tattoo related to another relative - even though she isn't massively close to your mother either. Maybe some of her friends have super-close, tattoo-worthy relationships with their parents or grandparents, and she wishes that she had the same, and that tattoo design is a wish fulfilment type thing. Again, I think it would be subconscious thing rather than something she would actually be able to articulate.

For some reason, people have this idea that a tattoo has to be 'meaningful'. It doesn't. It's perfectly OK to have a tattoo that is just something you really like (in fact, those are usually the best tattoos in my experience). But I think there's a strong chance your daughter really wanted a tattoo but felt that she had to have something personal and meaningful included in it, and has convinced herself that this was it because there's really nobody/nothing in her life that would fit the bill.

TroysMammy · 25/03/2022 10:21

There's always a "you really don't like her/him/them very much" comment. People are allowed not to like family members/friends if their behaviour is off.

Jellybean23 · 25/03/2022 10:27

She'll probably repent at leisure. Seems pretty pointless if she isn't close to her gran.

Original poster
CheesePlantMurderer · 25/03/2022 10:31

@incognitoforthisone I didn't say the positives no, I realise this. It wasn't that kind of post? I didn't feel anyway. More about the tattoo and my feeling uncomfortable about it. Which I don't even understand tbh! Yes - she is a young adult.

But I could add she works very hard and has done very well in her chosen career already and she has a great, if exceptionally dry, sense of humour. She's not a warm person, physically shies away from affection etc. a complete contrast to the funny, affectionate, loving child she was - and yes I've over analysed this and asked for help/advice and there's nothing anyone can identify other than puberty to have caused the change.

She is a pretty negative person generally and likes to create conflict from thin air. She hasn't formed any meaningful friendships or relationships so far in her life.

I'm the opposite of this, so I guess she's more like like her dad in that respect - he's not confrontational but he has no family or friend relationships at all and struggles to show love. I figure she's still finding her way as an adult, all I can do is try and guide her and offer advice on the rare occasion it's asked for.

OP posts:
Jumperlark · 25/03/2022 10:31

Call me cynical but I bet it wraps into a story she tells people about how much she loves her grandma/was practically raised by her/parents are awful and don't care about her.

I feel like young people compete over how awful their parents are (regardless of reality), and get tattoos to show people something 'deep'.

Branleuse · 25/03/2022 10:34

Thats sad that you feel she isnt close to anyone in the family and is cold and emotionless. She clearly wanted to reference her grandmother though. I think you should just tell her its a nice tribute to her grandma and then just dont mention it anymore. Its not that weird. Sounds like her feelings towards her nana might be stronger than you think