To be saddened by this?

[tearingmyhearout242]

A 20 year old relative of mine is in Amsterdam for a holiday alone. She’s put some gorgeous pictures up and appears to be having a lovely time.

All of the comments from other women are “Omg, stay safe!”, “Oh please be careful alone, love!”. Barely any actually talking about the picture or asking about her holiday.

AIBU to find it a bit sad. Obviously women do need to be careful alone but I’m sure my relative knows that. She doesn’t appear to be going out alone or anything. Obviously the main underlying issue here is male behaviour, I’m not denying that. But I think also a lot of women have become so scared that they can’t even fathom doing ANYTHING alone at all, or enjoy anything. Don’t really have an AIBU, just wanted to post.

I bet they wouldn’t comment on a line male’s equivalent picture saying ‘don’t assault anyone!’ ‘Don’t sexually harass anyone you!!’
My friend goes off travelling alone all the time and I just assume she’s doing what she can/wants to do to stay safe. She’s an adult and it’s quite patronising really!

@Mangogogogo

Exactly!

I can imagine I’d be very disheartened, if I’d posted pictures of my lovely holiday and was met with an array of horrified “Oh my god!!!! Stay safe, please!!!!” comments. It’d put a dampener on my holiday tbh.

I made a special effort to comment on her pictures and what she’d been up to without making a big fuss of her being by herself.

I think it’s internalised misogyny. How on Earth can a woman go abroad on her own, shock horror!

All women unfortunately have to be acutely aware of how to say safe when alone. It wouldn’t occur to me to remind her to stay safe, she knows that. Unless the woman is known to be naive or has a history of mental health issues (impulsive behaviour and is known to engage in risky situations) it wouldn’t occur to me at all to remind her to stay safe.

I’m saddened by it too. But I’m also saddened by the women on here who won’t go to a restaurant alone, who have to consult the internet to know if it’s ok to go to the cinema alone, who won’t go to a party alone if they only know one other person there.

It would never occur to me to comment like that. I’d just wish them a lovely time! So think I’m with you OP.

It's a city where men can pay money to use women's bodies, so with that being the prevailing mood, I would be worried too.

The irony is that she would be at far greater risk of violent attack if she was male.

@EishetChayil

Best us women avoid it then, what if we accidentally become prostitutes?

I think she must have friends who all have a similar mindset.

@Whetheryouthinkyoucan

It is such a shame. If you genuinely don't like doing those things alone and don’t get anything out of it, fair enough.

But it makes me really sad to see posts where the OP is really craving her favourite restaurant for lunch but has nobody to go with. If you can afford it, just go. I’ve worked in restaurants and we never thought anything of solo diners. I do it myself and it’s lovely.

You ought to hear the fuss everyone made when I took DD abroad for six weeks All By Myself. In a 6m motor home. You’d think I was driving the bloody starship enterprise, the way people went on about it!

I’m simultaneously quietly proud (it’s not exactly normal) and vaguely irritated about people asking me if I can park it.

@EishetChayil

It's a city where men can pay money to use women's bodies, so with that being the prevailing mood, I would be worried too.

Men do this in any city. That it's legal/out in the open in Amsterdam makes it both safer and easier to avoid if it's not your thing. There's so much more to Amsterdam than the red light district anyway, who's to say that's where she's hanging out?

I’d have missed out on so much in life if I didn’t want to do things alone.

Was meant to go and work on a ski resort in Canada with my best friend when I was 19. She got pregnant a couple of months before and I was devastated as I’d been looking forward to it so, so much. My mum convinced me to go anyway and I had the best year of my life.

I discovered my local Italian on a works night out and had the most divine meal. A Sicilian chicken that was to die for. 2 weeks later I was walking past and couldn’t stop thinking about it and craving it, and eventually just went “sod it” and went in. It was lunchtime and there were other solo diners there. I have been a few times since, it’s lovely.

My sister is going to Japan for 3 weeks alone. She’s waited years to go waiting for somebody to be able to go with her, but she’s in her 40s and all of her friends have kids. I’ve finally talked her into going. She’s single and free, why shouldn’t she go?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t teach our daughters about safety, but I’d never try and discourage or panic to my DD’s face about her travelling alone.

@tearingmyhearout242 I agree. I like to travel, I don’t mind who with. Or alone. A long solo weekend in NYC, or Gdańsk, or Nottingham is great. I never understand the recurring lack of ability to do things alone I see on mumsnet. It really upsets me. I never want my child to grow like that.

It is a real shame, especially as Amsterdam is a pretty safe city to travel alone in, there are far riskier places she could be. I travelled alone a lot when I was younger, not having anyone to travel with it was either travel alone or just not experience the world. There are ways to be sensible and safe and women are entitled to make their own risk/benefit assessments.

@Whetheryouthinkyoucan

I regret not seeing more of Europe pre-DC. I’m skint now. I think once they’ve flown the nest I’ll go to all these place I’ve wanted to go.

It wouldn’t occur to me to panic about my DD travelling alone! I’d only worry if I thought she would be going out at night and getting black-out drunk on her own/behaving impulsively but that would imply deeper issues anyway.

A neurotypical adult woman is perfectly capable of getting on a plane to a city in Europe, going shopping and having meals out alone without falling into the hands of sex traffickers, ending up taking drugs or being murdered. Very rarely yes, something will happen but it’s not because the woman did anything wrong by going away, and these things happen here in the U.K. anyway. All women these days know the basics, don’t go off with strange men, don’t leave a drink unattended etc. It’s core stuff.

It just really annoys me, this meek attitude that lots of women feel obliged to have. If that’s your own personality that’s fine but don’t push it on somebody else trying to enjoy a nice break.

I bet they wouldn’t comment on a line male’s equivalent picture saying ‘don’t assault anyone!’ ‘Don’t sexually harass anyone you!!’ actualy I would assume a lone male going out there was going to pay for prostitutes and do as much weed as he could while it’s legal.

I imagine though a lot of the women who are so horrified at your friend aren’t really worried about her, they are probably a bit jealous because they personally wouldn’t have the courage to go somewhere alone so they have to put it back on to her rather than admit to their own fears.

Ah but people post on facebook - and MN - what they want others to hear/see them talking about. So they want to appear concerning even if they are not, IYSWIM, jumping on the bandwagon.

It's one of the reasons I don't use facebook.

Weird comments.
One assumes she is already a safety conscious person, if not then someone saying “ stay safe hun” is likely to do much to make her safer.

I think it’s people choosing to be negative rather than comment something positive when she’s clearly enjoying travelling.

As someone who travels alone 3 times a year, this drives me nuts.

I love the Middle East, and travel there regularly. Yet I get people who’ve never left the U.K., or ventured beyond Spain, telling me how dangerous it is and how bad the men are. I’ve never come across kinder people than in that part of the world. I feel like a princess in comparison to back home!

I know people mean well. Mostly. I think it’s just so outside of their realm of possibility that it becomes shocking to some.

I’m also someone who is happy to do activities alone. I have a partner, but we have different tastes in films, museums, etc, so I prefer to be selfish and do my own thing often. I’ve never understood why people are so scared to go solo.

I take it with a pinch of salt. And I got our social media.

Got off social media! Even.

My MIL goes on and on about me driving the one and a half hours to her house on my own (on the rare occaision I actually do it).

"Oh, I couldn't do what you do," she says.

@Inchail

Bloody ridiculous. I personally don’t drive because I was in a traumatic accident as a teenager but I’ve literally never thought anything of other women driving

I don’t see why it’s provoked this reaction from you - she’s presumably safe, she’s out enjoying herself, staying ‘stay safe’ is a fairly innocuous comment surely?

Im sure your relative has already carried out her personal risk assessment and knows how to look after herself

She surely doesn't need Facebook randoms telling her to be careful